It’s Good For Heteros, So Why Not?

The link is definitely “not safe for work” (there are pictures, too), but the question raised is relevant to this blog: “Fake Gay Porn Incest: So Wrong or So Right?” The video in question has a father-son scenario.

More after the jump…

Polyamory in Davis, California

Justin Cox discussed nonmonogamy in general and polyamory specifically with some Davis, California-area therapists who facilitate a group dealing with those issues.

Jezzie: College is a really normal time to be dating around. We often have a humorous moment saying, “Polyamory is what used to be called dating.”

It’s pretty normal to be dating multiple people at the same time. Polyamory just emphasizes a set of values around that.

Many of the people who look down on polyamory have friends and grown children who are not monogamous. Isn't it better to be honest and ethical about it?

What’s the distinction between openly dating and identifying as Polyamorous?

Adam: The core difference is the identity part. Of people who are in relationships, the overwhelming majority will be monogamous and they’re going to be fine with that. One step up from that are people who think it’s an interesting idea, but probably too much trouble. One step up from there are people who are in a mostly monogamous relationship, but they have a little arrangement of some sort.

Only the tip of that pyramid says: “This is my identity. This is who I am and it’s important for me to have a community around this.” If you’re a couple and you sometimes have a threesome, you might not really need to have a support group.

Right. Some people are inherently polyamorous. Others don't need to be polyamorous, but can be happily in a poly relationship.

Is the number of people who identify as Polyamorous growing?

Adam: I think, tremendously.

Jezzie: The divorce rate of this generation -- with so many kids growing up watching their parents get divorced -- has really contributed to a cultural shift around the idea that maybe 50 years of marriage isn’t the best option for everybody. This (current generation) is the generation after divorce went up.

Clearly, monogamy doesn't work or everyone. People should be free to be polyamorous and have a polygamous marriage.

Adam: There’s a huge relief in just hearing that other people are struggling with this. A lot of information out there says “Yay, yay, go Poly. Everyone can do this; everyone should do this. It’s healthier. It’s more evolved.”

A lot of the work I do as a therapist is with people who say, “Something’s terribly wrong with this,” and they need somebody to tell them that it’s totally normal (to struggle).

People need to know this an option, and there's nothing wrong with being poly.

One Example of Trying to Silence Voices For Equality

It's a minor example, and hopefully, it won't work completely.

Someone asked at Yahoo Answers about marrying a cousin. A cousin.

This was my answer:

"First cousins can marry (usually, only heterosexuals) in about half of US states and many countries. I'm not aware of any US states where sex between first cousins is illegal. It really doesn't matter if someone considers it incest. Marriage is fundamental right. An adult should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any consenting adults."

That is a political statement, and hardly a radical one at that. It does not violate their community guidelines. Someone simply didn't like my opinion and reported it to get it removed and to try to silence me. If it works, that will be very chilling. It already worked to hide the answer.

Bigotry is ugly.

Clearing Up Myths About Polyamory

Here's a fantastic write-up dealing with some of the myths about polyamory. Topics covered include...

Alright! Group Sex!

With so many partners, you must get laid a lot!

So you can take the best parts of 2 different guys and make 1 perfect man!

So, polyamory is just cheating then.

Oh, so polyamory is like swinging!

So you just have a bunch of friends then?

Polyamory is for people who can't commit

All that screwing around sounds dangerous, there must be a problem with STDs.

Polyamory is harmful for children

Love is Limitless

Poly people don't feel jealous.

Polyamory oppresses and objectifies women.

I must not be adequate if my lover wants someone else - or - If you love someone, you shouldn't want anyone else - or - my partner shouldn't want anyone else if I am "enough".
I've seen lots of non-monogamous relationships fail, therefore non-monogamy is flawed and monogamy is the solution.

Go read it!

Criminal Sentence For Consensual Sex in Canada

In what appears to be an update of a case in Nova Scotia covered previously here…

A 20-year-old Amherst resident was given a suspended sentence with probation for 24 months, and a 10-year weapons prohibition after pleading guilty in court on Tuesday to having sexual intercourse with a person, knowing the person was his sister.

Another source reports…

The man, who can’t be named, was placed on probation for two years after pleading guilty Tuesday to incest.

At least he won’t have to serve a prison sentence for the consensual sex. Assault is bad. Consensual sex isn’t, and should not be a criminal matter. Who is the victim? Both he and his sister, who is six years older, were prosecuted. Ridiculous.

An Example of the Absurdity of Prosecuting Consenting Adults

In what looks like an update of a case covered in this earlier entry…

A 65 year-old Samoan man has escaped a jail sentence after being found guilty of incest, which will allow him to join his family in Australia.

Instead he will pay a 5-thousand US fine, with half to be paid to the victim.

I’m glad that he’s not going to jail. That he was prosecuted and fined is ridiculous.

During the trial the defendant denied the charges but the court accepted his ex-wife’s evidence that he was the father of the victim.

Both the father and daughter were charged with incest, the daughter pleaded guilty, and is already serving a three year sentence.

Okay, so what do we have here?

The article twice describes the thirty-something woman as a “victim.” The father is even ordered to pay a fine, half of which will go to her. Then, in the very next sentence after the second reference to her as a “victim,” it says they were both charged with incest, and she is serving a three year jail term. Why send a “victim” to jail? She went to jail, he got fined. Again, I ask why? Did she force herself on him? Why did she get the harsher sentence, especially being the “victim,” who is going to receive part of the fine? She even pled guilty, while he denied guilt, and often courts will go lighter on someone pleading guilty. Is this because she is a woman?

The whole thing is absurd. Neither one should have been prosecuted in the first place. What waste of government resources.

Another Couple Denied the Freedom to Marry

"Anonymous" is an attractive woman with an attractive boyfriend. They appear to be a happy couple, the kind of people you might work with or live next to. But they are denied their right to marry. They can’t even be open about their relationship, which is apparently the result of genetic sexual attraction. She generously took the time to be interviewed.

***

FME: Describe your background.

ANONYMOUS: I'm in my early twenties, live in the UK, and have no children.


What is your relationship to your lover?

He is my half-brother


How would you describe the nature of your relationship?

Boyfriend and girlfriend, but also best friends.


Did you grow up with him?

We did not grow up together. We only met a few years ago. Now we live with our father.


When did you first notice you had feelings for him? Were they romantic, sexual, curious, an intense attraction, what? Did it surprise you?

I was attracted to him from the moment we met. It was a mixture of lust and curiosity. I was very surprised, confused and ashamed of these feelings.


How do you feel about the lovemaking side of your relationship?

Great. It's just a natural way of showing our love.


Are you monogamous, in a closed relationship with each other?

Yes, we’re in a closed relationship with each other.


Does anyone know the full, true nature of your relationship and how did they find out? How have they reacted?

A few close friends know, and they accept it. We sat them down and explained the situation to them in full and that seemed to help.


How did you start making love with each other?

The first time was spontaneous. We were watching the TV, cuddling, and then one thing lead to another. Prior to that, we had indulged in foreplay and oral sex. My brother started that. At the very start, it was touching using being drunk as an excuse (not that it was ever questioned.) Then I visited him in his home city when we lived apart, and decided that we'd share a hotel room and a double bed which lead to foreplay, but nothing more as I was wary of pushing the situation too soon. It was only when he lived here that things turned sexual because I couldn't hold back anymore.


Can you describe that first event where you gave yourselves to each other, especially your feelings?

It was instinct. We'd both waited so long that we couldn't resist any longer.


Do you think relatives have some things better or some advantages that unrelated lovers might not, such as more intense feelings and lovemaking? What are some of the advantages and disadvantages?

I think you're less likely to take each other for granted and therefore the relationship is better for it. The disadvantage is, of course, having to sneak around and not be totally yourselves unless you're away from home.


Do you have feelings for other close biological relative that are anything like the ones you have for him, whether they are as intense or not?

No.


What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your love?

Mind your own business. It's completely consensual and the world would be a happier place if everyone learned to accept and love a little more.


Would you get legally married if you could, and if that included protection from things such as bullying and workplace discrimination based on your relationship?

We have discussed it and yes we would.


Any plans for the future?

Explore the world together and move in together by ourselves.


Do you personally know, or have you met in person, other couples like you (that you are aware of)?

No, but I would like to.


What advice do you have to someone who has romantic or sexual feelings for a close biological relative?

Play it safe at first, test the waters with flirting, etc. Don't go in all guns blazing because you could destroy the relationship you have if you do that. Be patient and don't worry, you are not a freak.


Is there is anything else you want to add?

Live your life. Don't care what anyone else thinks. So long as you're not harming anyone, go for it!

***

There’s no good reason these lovers should have to hide, or be denied their right to marry. They are another example of why we need full marriage equality sooner rather than later.

Read other interviews here.

Blog Update

There's much to talk about from recent news and current events, so I'll try to keep updating regularly.

As far as the structure of the blog itself, I'm continuing to make changes.

I've added a tab at the top for a new page, "Case Studies." That is where I will have links to all the interviews I have personally conducted of people in relationships that do not have all of their rights.

Along the right side of your screen, I've added a link to my entries answering Frequently Asked Questions. I plan to answer more soon. I've also added links to all of my entries on Genetic Sexual Attraction, consanguinamory, polyamory, polyandry, and polygyny, even though I do run a complete label list much further down.

I welcome feedback and suggestions. Thank for reading.

Connect with me on Facebook.

Facebook Group: I Support Full Marriage Equality!


Follow me on Twitter!

Another Polyamory vs. Monogamy Debate

The Mancunion, “Britain's biggest student newspaper, serving Greater Manchester,” has printed defenses of polyamory and monogamy. Isabelle Dann touts polyamory… sort of. The piece includes some four-letter Anglo-Saxon words you can’t say on US FCC-regulated airwaves.

Firstly, the assumption that polyamory is a strictly enduring desire is ridiculous, considering that, as the author observed, its proponents “are mostly young people” – the logical and pragmatic quality behind a polyamorous twenty-something life in preparation for a potential lifetime of monogamy circa thirty-something is obvious enough to require minimal explanation.

Yes, some people practice polyamory while younger, and become monogamous later. But there are people who are inherently polyamorous who will always be polyamorous. And there are also people who will, after being monogamous (happily or unhappily), find they are more suited to polyamory as they age.

At the same time, the wish to experience all your own personal sexual desires by no means necessitates a permanent aversion to commitment.

For many, polyamory does involve commitment.

The difference is that, at the end of the day, you have nobody to answer to but yourself.

Uhm, for many polyamorists, it is the opposite. They have multiple people to “answer to.”

You’re free to ask out that cutie from class and share a goodbye make-out at the end of the night.

Not necessarily. It depends on the agreements, if any, with others.

Just when I think the writer is equating polyamory with “sleeping around on a casual basis,” there’s this…

Attention Americans

You can support repealing DOMA with the Respect for Marriage Act by signing this petition. Personally, I think we need a Marriage Equality Amendment as the best solution.

Nothing is Wrong With Welcome Affection

With the holiday season comes another look at this Folgers coffee advertisement.



Eireann Michael Dolan wrote on her blog…

Having spent so long in West Africa, where some tribes still practice familial marriage, he felt it was appropriate to leer at his now All-Growed-Up sister, because that is a custom he is now used to, and how long was he gone for? His sister looks 25.

And…

She puts the bow on him and tells him that his safe return from West Africa, where they definitely don’t have real coffee, is all the present she needs.

Then the parents come downstairs before the two have sex.

Some comments were left.

Heather Harmon…

Oh my god yes! I saw this the other day and kept yelling for someone to tell me if they were brother and sister or lovers. Or both.

Molly…

I think they did it BEFORE he went to West Africa and now they are in that awkward “Oops, I slept with my sibling but now it’s Christmas so I’m just gonna be cool” phase.

What do YOU think? I’m not talking about the other stuff she deals with about ad, just the sibling relationship.

I’ve written about bigotry like this before. People are too judgmental of siblings who have positive, affectionate relationships; they feel comfortable openly denigrating such relationships, as if all siblings should be mortal enemies or live like strangers. Not only do these people condemn siblings who have spousal relationships or who, like no small percentage of others, have experimented, but they assign any kind of affection between siblings to those other situations, which they clearly condemn. The message? Do not show your sibling any affection or warmth. That is sick, not siblings who have every kind of love together.

Texas GSA Couple Back in the News

For some reason, another news outlet re-ran an article on Clara Collins and her biological son Trent Holmes. I previously blogged about this article here.

But since the article was printed again and people are looking for information on Collins and Holmes, I'll say it again: an adult should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any consenting adults. There's no reason why these two shouldn't be free to legally marry.

There's much to blog, and I hope to crank out several blog entries over the next few days.