Sunday, May 19, 2013

Two Men Still Denied the Freedom to Marry

Slowly, the (limited) same-sex freedom to marry is being won in more states in the US, and in countries around the world. But there are gay couples who still face discrimination and a denial of their right to marry. This is one reason why we need full marriage equality.

“Anonymous” is a gay man who would marry the love of his life, a bisexual man, if he could. But he can’t, because that man he’s sharing his life with is his brother.

Here’s the interview. Some of the language is descriptive of sex.

[This interview is  being bumped up on the blog in honor of more states adopting the limited same-gender freedom to marry.]


Describe your family background.

Anonymous: We grew up together. He’s my full, biological brother, two years older than me. We're two of four siblings; the other two are girls. Our parents are in a healthy marriage.

How did your relationship become consanguinamorous?

Anonymous: We started out as brothers with benefits. We shared a room. He was naked a lot. He slept in just boxers or naked, and we also shared a bathroom so we'd frequently walk in on each other showering or pissing, etc. I admired his penis. I started getting erections when I thought about him and having feelings for him that I thought were unusual. I asked him about masturbation, and he showed me. He noticed how I watched closely and offered to let me touch him, and that was the first time I blew him. I wasn't very good, but I loved how he tasted. I eventually got better. The start was mostly blowjobs, handjobs and making out. Eventually though, he brought up anal sex, and I trusted him, so I let him. That was particularly nice--as I was horny 24/7, and had him there.

Eventually, when we didn't stop after a few years, we had to talk about it. He slept with a few girls and one other guy, but told me he didn't enjoy it as much as being with me. I hadn't done anything with anyone else. It shifted into something that was sort of... open for sex but did not allow relationships, I guess? I experimented with a few friends, and he would sleep with others, but he didn't get emotionally or romantically involved with them.

What is the situation now?

Anonymous: We live in an apartment together. What we have now is a more traditional open relationship. We're basically a normal couple, except we still can sleep with other people--though now the other partners are less frequent, and there's a lot of talking about who/when/etc. Sometimes we have threesomes to make it more fun.

Who else knows about the full nature of your relationship?

Anonymous: Not many people. One of our sisters knows, and has known since we were teenagers. She was understanding, and told us that she'd once had a crush on one of our Uncles and didn't find our relationship disgusting, and could relate. She asked some questions, particularly to me because I'm younger, to make sure it was safe, but has approved. We haven't told our other sister or parents. We have several friends who know, three or four, and they've kept our relationship a secret and have also been supportive (a few friends are no longer friends because of their reactions). We also are open to certain people we bring home if we're going to do something sexual and want them to know before anything happens, but we normally pick people we think are more open-minded and won't react strongly.

How do you feel about your lovemaking?

Anonymous: I feel very good about our sex life. It began as experimenting and sexual curiosity... just kissing, touching each other naked, jerking each other off, and some sucking. Nothing was forced or pushed, and we both wanted to do it. As things progressed, we eventually started to have anal sex, and I was the bottom for that. It hurt somewhat at the beginning, but I trusted him and eventually came to love it more then anything else we'd done. Now we have a healthy sex life. I would say we have some sort of sex 2-3 times a day. Sometimes that involves a third partner, and sometimes we sleep with others not related to us, but normally it is in our apartment (while the other is there).

Do you think family members have some things better or some advantages that unrelated lovers might not, such as more intense feelings and lovemaking? What are some of the advantages and disadvantages?

Anonymous: For sure in the beginning! Being sexually curious while young, it is almost impossible to find someone to explore with. You're not supposed to look on the Internet (and may not even know how or where to at that point) and have to look toward people you know. Sometimes your friends aren't at the same place as you, or ready. I always had my older brother as a figure in my life, and as a man to look up to. He was strong, handsome, and available to me. And there's a sense of trust automatically there that you'd have to build with someone new.

It is a safe person to explore with. Now surely there are un-consensual acts that happen as well, but in my case it was 100% consensual, and so it was very enjoyable. Now I do think it will be hard to maintain that relationship, especially if it grows to more then sex. But I still find it worth it.

What do you say of people who disapprove of your love?

Anonymous: That's hard. Really hard. We try to be very, very careful with who we tell and kind of do small tests to gage how they feel about less "normal" topics. Taboo subjects. Luckily, a lot of reaction from friends has been positive for us. If negative... what can you say? They're a person you cared about, and you're a person they cared about and none of that just disappears. And to a degree I understand because of how many un-consensual incest relationships go on and how society defines it. It is hard to be angry. Some of them want to only see one of us at a time, or want us to just not be romantic in front of them... some don't want to see us anymore. But nobody has told our family, and that at least is something to be thankful for. They have respected our privacy.

Would you get legally married to him?

Anonymous: Yes, in a second. Without a doubt.

What advice do you have to someone who has romantic or sexual feelings for a close biological relative?

Anonymous: It depends on their age, and the age of the other. If it was a situation similar to ours (brothers, cousins, etc) then I would say it is safer to say something or try to get involved with a relative. You still need to be careful--there are small tests to do to gage whether they'd react badly or not. And clearly if you don't think you can trust them, then don't. If you're both older but around the same age, you'll have to be more careful. When younger, you possibly could both have sexual curiosities that are part of puberty and growing up, which may be faded by the time you're older. Maybe not. Tread carefully. Lastly, you'll have to be really, really cautious if you are much younger and they are older. Sometimes you have a crush on your father, mother, or an uncle or aunt when young, and that's a place you really can't go. But if the feelings persist past the date of your adulthood, then maybe you should start looking into it. But very slowly.

Have you met anyone else, that you know of, who is with a close biological relative?

Anonymous: Yes, a few people. Several people who've just had one or so experiences with a relative as a teenager, and only two that are in a relationship with a relative.


There is no reason that these men should be denied the right to marry. They have a beautiful, caring relationship that resembles a marriage, only without the legal recognitions and protections. Not everyone is going to want a gay marriage, and not everyone is going to be comfortable with the idea of sex between family members, but we're not all going to want each other's love lives, and that's okay, as long as we don't deny others their right to choose.

In interviewing (and sometimes observing) the people in these consanguinamorous relationships, and in talking with more people who I haven't interviewed, there is a consistent thread to be found in such relationships. That thread is that the relationships are stronger, more intense, and more enjoyable than any others experienced; nothing else compares.

Since there is no rational reason to discriminate against them and deny them full marriage equality, won't you help bring about that equality sooner rather than later, so that and adult is free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any consenting adults?

Other interviews are here.

If you'd like to share your own story related to a "prohibited" consensual relationship, you can contact me via fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com or on Facebook.
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  1. I think it's rather sweet :). The only part I don't agree with is the fact that they are being romantic with each other while seeing other people,especially if the people don't know about it, but maybe they do...I didn't quite get that part...but in that case, so long as the other people are okay with is what it is. :)

    Awesome interview ^^

  2. Agree with VeganJoyJoy, though I find it kind of odd that having such a strong relationship between them, they still sleep with other people, but at the end it's their choice.
    Also it made me grit my teeth when he said he hurt at first, having anal sex as a bottom, and it makes me think why do we still live as prisoners of the way homosexual men supposedly should have sex in the XXI century? (And, I can't help but find it bad from the elder brother to walk his younger into it, even when he probably knew he was gonna hurt him, it just doesn't feels right).
    We need to educate people not just about equality, FULL equality, but about sexuality, and sexual practices, not just which prevention method use to not get a STD.

  3. Ironically I got introduced to this issue when someone used the example of incest to help people understand why people felt gays were wrong (not to convince anyone they were wrong, but to give perspective). Because most people who are pro gay rights also believe incest is wrong and disgusting. Even if in both cases it's between two people who are consenting adults. I thought it was a rather clever way to help me understand how people who were against gays felt, but then I realized, hey wait, why is incest considered disgusting? I haven't had sexual feelings towards any of my own blood relatives, but I have known a pair of siblings who did. So while I don't have any personal reason to get involved with this issue, I do support it. Only 53 years ago sodomy was a felony in all U.S. states. I think this, along with polygamous marriages, will be the big social movements I will get to see from beginning to end. Since I was born while the gay rights and trans rights movements were already at least partially underway and generally accepted by us liberals. Anyway, my heart goes out to the people who have to deal with hiding their relationships and knowing people who say they're disgusting without a second thought.

    1. Thanks, Anonymous! I'd like to hear more about those siblings you knew. If you don't want to write it here, please email me at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com

  4. I completely agree with anonymous. I have not had sexual feelings toward any blood relatives other than a step cousin but my heart indeed does go out to these suppressed lovers. I find this topic very interesting and I do not really understand why. Maybe its because I find it really beautiful and I actually see this as a very pure thing, a very pure kind of love. Call me pathetic or hopeless but I believe that there is truth in the soul mate theory. In fact, I feel that the reason the people in consanguinamorous relationships describe it as more intense and enjoyable than others is because of this soulmate connection.

  5. I met a woman who knew her sons were intimate as teenagers. She dismissed it as boys exploring, as she did with her sister and brother. She never imagined even after both were married that they continued the relationship. She happened to catch them when the family was on a cruise, but she was shocked that her brother and his son were also there. She confronted her brother later that evening , things spiraled and after more than 30 years they resumed the sexual relationship after he revealed that both him his son and her two sons were intimate with her sister and her husband. She lived for a short time with her brother after that. Her brother's ex wife found out and threatened public exposure if they did not stop. She was a prominent judge and her career would have been ruined. She described the relationship as the most emotional love and sex as more intense than any other ever.

    1. Fascinating. It's too bad they were threatened. I'd be interested in how you came to know this about her.


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