Put Down the Cookie Cutter

Lisa Evans asks at blogher.com, “Monogamy: the Ultimate Form of Love or a Restraint on Your Freedom?”

She was inspired by a conversation with a friend…

Essentially, my opinion was that if you do not naturally want to be monogamous to your significant other, then you are not with the right person. Her side was that no one person can fulfill all the needs of another. I did agree with this point, however, I consider that statement to be limited to things other than intimacy such as friendships and other forms of platonic relationships.

For some, monogamy is required.
For some, polyamory or some form of nonmonogamy is required.
Some people could be happy in a monogamous relationship, polyamorous, or open relationship.

But for all of those, people need to be in those relationships with the people who are right to share those relationships with them.

Some people aren’t in a place in their life to be in any relationship.

No one way is right for everyone. This is why we should let consenting adults form and keep the relationships they decide are for them, with any consenting adults. If they want to share friendship, sex, love, residence, marriage… any or all of those things… that should be up to them, and they should be able to do so without prosecution, persecution, or discrimination.

At one point in time, not too long ago, three-quarters of all human societies were polygamous. [Poeople in places] such as Africa, Asia, the Middle East still practice polygamy. And what about polyamory?

They are valid options for adult relationships.

I am of the general belief that if everyone involved agrees, and nobody is getting hurt, then anything goes. I am not here to judge. However, I do wonder, then what is the point of being in an exclusive relationship? If one wants several lovers, why not just be single?

Because there’s more to relationships than sex, and even with sex, some people want a steady.

I believe that love knows no color, race, sex, gender, or even age (as long as it's legal age, of course!). But I also believe that intimate love should stay between two people.

Okay, that’s fine if someone applies that to their own relationships, not to anyone else’s.

After all, isn't that what makes it so special?

Some people do find intimate, sexual monogamy special, but it isn’t the only way for intimate love to be special.

I believe that we can have strong feelings for and love others while being in a committed relationship.

Of course we can, and also, some polyamorous relationships are committed.

She then uses her two marriages as examples, which explains her, not necessarily anyone else.

And my question remains: is monogamy something that is not for everyone, or is it a state that can only be achieved through being with the right person?

Monogamy is not for everyone, and it can only be achieved if two monogamy-able persons are right for each other and want it with each other.

If two people committed to being with each other want more, are they wanting more because they aren't truly right for each other?

In some cases, perhaps, but not all.

Is having an open relationship settling for less?

Nobody should agree to settle for anything they don’t want. It is one thing for circumstances to be changed on someone when they are already involved in something, but nobody should knowingly agree to something they don’t want. If someone wants monogamy and they agree to be with someone who insists on an open relationship, they are not settling, they are waiting for something unlikely to happen, at least not in any lasting form. Really, the "perfect person" who does not want the same basic relationship you do is not the perfect person for you.

If you could choose to have a monogamous relationship that was completely fulfilling and satisfying to the point of not wanting anybody else, or a relationship that allowed you to stray, allowed you that freedom, which would you pick?

This is a little like asking a heterosexual person if they could have a gay relationship that was completely fulfilling and satisfying to the point of not wanting anybody else… You’re going to get a different response than if you asked a bisexual person. Some people are polyamorous as who they are. It isn’t a shortcoming on the part of anyone in her or his life.

Should monogamy be the holy grail of committed relationships; something to be coveted and to strive for, or does it go against human nature?

It is obvious that some people are incapable of being monogamous. Monogamy is one viable relationship option, but it only an option for the monogamy-able. It should be the goal of anyone who needs monogamy. Anyone who is polyamorous as part of who they are should not attempt nor promise monogamy.

Cookie cutters are for making lots of cookies with the same shape. Not for adult relationships.

She’s welcoming comments.