Sunday, February 5, 2012

Polyamory Should Mean More Love, Less Hate

Modern Poly asks...

Why is there so much ill-feeling about poly fidelity?

From the conservative side - it deviates from the traditional two-person marriage. Within the poly community, there’s mixed opinions. Some are comfortable with polyfidelity. Others either balk at the implied boudaries/restrictions of a closed relationship, or anything that appears like the “couples model” but expanded to include multiple people.

There is a tendency by many to attack anything different from how they are or what they do. There are heterosexuals who hate lesbians and gays; there are gays who hate bisexuals, lesbians, and transgendered people; there are lesbians who hate gays, bisexuals and transgendered people; there are people who have endured Genetic Sexual Attraction who condemn others experiencing GSA who continue to be together; and as noted, there are monogamists who hate all polyamory. Poly people, while they do (in general) tend to be more supportive or tolerant of others, are not necessarily immune to this. A few poly people insist it has to be done the way they do it.

I reject one-size-fits-all, whatever that size may be. Polyfidelity, no matter how close it looks like a "Main Street" couples model, is great if that is what the people in the relationship want. Likewise, if people in a polycule all want to be open to flings or additional relationships, and that works for them, then good for them. Same goes for if one or more people in a polycule have decided to only have a sexual relationship with the third person in that relationship, know that the third person is with both of them, and perhaps others.

Let people decide for themselves. It is understandable if someone thinks their way is the best. The problem comes in when they insist that everyone else needs to live life the same way.

We need to get along and be supportive of each other. We need solidarity. You may think your plural marriage or polygyny is the only acceptable way to live (other than monogamy, maybe) but those who want to reserve marriage and relationships for monogamists are the ones currently in power, and the only way things are going to change is if we all support each other and agree that an adult should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with any consenting adults, without prosecution, persecution, or discrimination. Polyamorists should be supporting each other and supporting the LGBT community and consanguinamorists.
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