Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Dan Savage wrote recently about Polycamp, a place for the polyamorous can go to get together with other poly people. In the article, he wrote about how prejudice hurts children whose parents are poly.

"When I was little, my mother had a talk with me about having a 'public face,' because not everyone would understand our family," says Koe Sozuteki, a 20-year-old woman who grew up in a large poly household in Seattle. "That was a hard conversation to have in elementary school."

Children can be cruel to each other, but it is appalling how adults will attack children because of how their parents love other adults.

"People in poly relationships—particularly if they have kids—fear judgment and rejection," says Quintus, an electrician who lives in Kitsap County with his wife and two daughters. "They fear being rejected by their friends, by their families. It's why so many poly families are still closeted."

Quintus and his wife Francisca, who have been poly for a dozen years, are the new heads of Polycamp, an annual summer retreat for local poly families.

It is good to have a place to get together.

Quintus and Francisca were monogamous when they married and when they had their first child.

"I made a joke about a threesome—half joking, half testing the waters—and
Francisca said, 'I've thought about it, maybe with a friend of mine,'" he says.

"That was how we first started talking about it."

Quintus says the couple didn't jump right in, but gave it serious thought.

"It wasn't just, 'Hey, sweet, more vagina, let's party!' We talked about how we were going to handle jealousy, other partners, and being parents. Because we had kids—two by the time we did anything—we needed stability, so we decided we wanted a real girlfriend, someone who could be included in the family, someone who enjoyed children."

Many of these situations have been thoroughly considered. Shouldn’t consenting adults be able to make decisions like this without being fired from their jobs?

Polycamp 2010 takes place Aug 26–29 at Millersylvania State Park. For more information, go to

You may be able to find a camp local to you.

The article drew many comments. One person wrote…

I have never in my life seen anything good come of 'poly.' It ALWAYS ends with someone being hurt, broken, or betrayed.

This is one person’s limited experience. How many monogamous relationships end with someone being hurt, broken, or betrayed? Almost all of them, as another person noted…

all mono relationships end in someone being hurt, broken, or betrayed. All relationships end(sometimes with the passing of one) if you were committed it is painful.

Someone else threw in…

Like yours, my sample is also biased/anecdotal, but the majority of the relationships I've seen that were poly (not cheating/hiding anything from any partners), have lasted years and most breakups were amicable.

I’ve heard that a lot. If monogamy works for someone, great. But that doesn’t mean it is what is what is best for everyone, or what everyone wants. Respect the choices of others.

I love how poly is becoming more open and mainstream! I've been poly since the 80's too, when I was in my early twenties. Before the internet, you just didn't really know how to meet others like you or whether you were the only one with the crazy ideas.

Now we can send our kids to camp? Incredible!

Progress, baby, progress!

I urge poly people who get together at camp or anywhere else and not only enjoy themselves, but to talk about getting the freedom to marry. It won’t happen unless we stand up for our rights.
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