A Mother Explains Her Polycule and Polyamory

Over at the BabyCenter.com community, momtectural posted an FAQ about polyamory.

How does it differ from polygamy?

In the simplest terms, polygamy is non-mutual. There is one person married to multiple other people, who know of each other's existence but are not involved with one another. Polyamory is mutual.

I define polygamy as marriage. Some polyamorists are involved in polygamy, some aren’t.

You have two partners? How does that work?

The same as a monogamous relationship, except that there are three of us instead of two of us. We live together, we split bills, chores, childcare. We go on dates, both as a unit and as separate couples. We are pretty boring. We bicker over who gets to fold the laundry. We hold hands. We tease each other. We sleep in the same bed. Etc.

How do you have sex?

Most commonly we engage in triad sex. A threesome. Sometimes we have partnered monogamous sex. Sometimes we masturbate. but we like it better when all three of us are involved.

There are polycules in which sex is only between two people at a time.

What are your sexual orientations?

Matthew and I are bisexual. JA is gay, but i am his exception.

Do you love one of them more than the other?

The simple answer is "no". Sometimes I do feel more affection for one than the other, because they pissed me off or did something favorable or whatever. But no, there is no power imbalance here.

Are you married to any of them?

Until we can have a triad marriage we will remain unmarried. We are having a commitment ceremony in 2012.

They should have their right to marry.

What if you break up?

Then we break up. We've written agreements as to what will happen to our property and our child and have them notarized. We are not planning on breaking up any more than any other married unit plans on breaking up, however.

Thank you for that.

TennilleA, George_Sand, LuluRuRu, and arctat were all supportive in their responses.

Addictedtwo wrote…

We are three people between 56 and 69 years of age in a tripartite polyamorous relationship. It can work for anyone - provided all parties are mature enough.

It can work, it does work, and they should have that freedom without being bullied or denied their freedom to marry.

Would You Date a Polyamorist?

At the advice discussion area of matchmaking site eHarmony.com, BabyYoda from Inland Empire, CA asked…

Would you date someone who was curious in polyamory?

For me, the answer is of course. I am experienced in this area and it has worked, and is working, well.

mitchell175 from Boston, MA had an answer that many other people echoed…

No. I expect complete monogamy with any partner with whom I am in a committed

I have no problem with that; it would be nice is more monogamists were likewise accepting of polyamorists.

Consanguinamory

Jeni asked, “Can incest involve love or can love involve incest?”

Of course love can involve incest and incest can involve love. We call that consanguinamory.

Can I love a guy and have a sex with him even if we are related? We love each other very much.I'm shy and scared but we have so much fun together.

Many people are enjoying consanguinamory, and even more are enjoying consanguineous sex. It is illegal in most US states and many countries, but it shouldn’t be, provided everyone involved is a consenting adult.

Taylor Hamilton had what Jeni chose as the best answer…

To each his own. But, incest is illegal mostly everywhere. Though, it does depend on how you are related.

There were only a couple of other short answers.

Yes, as long as you are taking responsibility for your actions and nobody is breaking existing vows, it isn’t wrong nor destructive to have consensual sex with a close relative. It can be a lot of fun, even a lasting romance and spousal relationship. It can be difficult to deal with the fallout, however, because of the unjust laws and societal prejudices.

When Things Go Bad Between Siblings

“Ask Amy” by Amy Dickinson got a letter from a mother who is dealing with some of the worst kind of family drama. Be warned of possible triggers.

The Importance of Visibility

Your presence is appreciated.

So here is the dilemma.

I completely understand and support people who feel like they need to stay in the closet, especially if the love they share as adults can get them fired, imprisoned, or worse. After all, the people in the polycule that was my original inspiration for this blog continue to carefully guard their own privacy. That polyamorous consanguineous marriage is not only not legal, but is criminal in many places.

But I also support and want to see more people who are personally prevented from having the freedom to marry to come out, at least online or with family. Why? Because visibility, or mere presence, has been changing minds.

We have seen this with the freedom to (monogamous, nonconsanguineous) same-sex marriage, parenting, or simply couplehood.

There has been a shift in public opinion about those things. The majority of people in the US now support this limited same-sex freedom to marry, which is a big change from not that long ago.

Why?

Here’s my take.

You Can Make It If You Want

At the Porn Free Incest forum (reminder: they only want to talk about monogamy and monogamous incest; polyamorists and polygamists get thrown under the bus there), Machspeed, who lives on Romania, explains the situation he has with his sister, saying he is tormented…

Basically I hate the fact that there's no future of us being together in the long run. I know that maybe others which are luckier, but that's not the case for us.

My soul is tangled in this relationship but at the same time we are adults and we have to realize that life should move on. I will probably marry a nice girl but it would not be the same, the passion and intensity will not be there.

We have something beautiful and most likely nothing will come out of it. Sometimes we both think about children (and a few times we were forced to think about it because of our carelessness..) but what future would they have..

The problem is the future, not the now.

He and his sister can have a future as a consanguinamorous couple. He should not let persecution, bullying, or prejudice, even from family, keep him from the person he loves. As he himself mentions, other people have managed.

Also, as he notes, the same passion and intensity would not be there with another person. It is unfair to marry someone under the pretense of monogamy when your heart belongs to another, regardless of who that person is. Consanguinamorous relationships should be legal, protected from bullying, and should have the fundamental right to marry. There are many reasons why. This situation is just one.

Polyamory Mentioned in “Annie’s Mailbox”

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar answer the mail written to Annie.

Dear Annie: “Ex-Professor Out East” said he was accepting of his wife's platonic relationship with another man. He should learn the term “polyamory.”

My husband and I are happily married and found polyamory to be a welcome alternative. We both have loving relationships outside the marriage, with the other's blessing. This type of lifestyle can add new dimensions to an otherwise stale relationship. – Happily Poly in Ohio

Dear Ohio: Polyamorous relationships can be platonic or sexual, but the important part is, they are not secret. The spouse knows and accepts. As long as both partners agree, we say to each his (or her) own.

Thank you, Annie.

Relationships can have many facets to them, as we all know. There’s friendship, mentoring, emotional support, dating companionship, living together, financial cooperation, limited physical affection, sex, erotic or romantic love, marriage, childbearing, coparenting, familial, etc. As such, it is possible to have a polyamorous relationship set, with only two of the people actually having sex at any given time in the relationship. Different people have a variety of needs.

Lamenting Incest in Zimbabwe

Joel Mapaura laments how things are in Zimbabwe these days. Among the problems he cites are emigration, murder, political quarreling, indifference of leadership, limited utilities service, the cost of living, unemployment rates, and low wages.

It is sad that these days you find parents with a family of eight (8) grown up children of opposite sex crammed in a single room with the aim of cutting on accommodation costs. This partly explains why the country is recording a sharp increase in incestuous relationships.

Hmm. Maybe. But I’ve had multiple experiences during which I have spent day after day crowded into a room with people (school, work) and never wanted to have sex with any of them. Other times, there were some I did want to have sex with, and some of them I did have sex with. But it was usually after we went off to less crowded places. The difference? Mutual attraction. Some people are attracted to some of their close relatives, and some of those enjoy consanguinamory or at least consanguineous sex with them. It happens even when you have two siblings living in a mansion with parents who are hardly ever home. The siblings don’t need to share a room, but they want to share a bed. Stop looking for something to blame for such encounters or relationships. They don’t need to be excused, because they aren’t inherently wrong in the first place.

And rape and child molestation, which are wrong, happen in various conditions; don't excuse rapists because they are poor.

He goes on to lament “the drastic fall of Baboon and Monkey population in Gonawapotera Mountain” as a result of hunting,

Maybe Zimbabwe would be better off if LGBT people and consanguinamorous people could live their lives freely and openly without prosecution or bullying.

SLC’s City Weekly Features Local Polyamorists

Jim Catano, a polyamorist himself, has a relatively lengthy article about polyamorists in Utah. He begins with some very basic explanations about polyamory.

They (we, really, since I’ve been polyamorous since 2004) reject the long-held social norm that a loving, meaningful, romantic, ethical relationship must involve only two people. They even strive for something that at first blush seems overly optimistic—to feel good about the satisfaction their partners experience through their “other love” relationships. It’s a mindset they call “compersion”—the flip side of jealousy.

Utah’s polyamorists come in all sexual orientations—straight, same-sex, bisexual—and their sexual practices span the spectrum: one-on-one or “vanilla” (probably the majority), group, kink. The Smiths/Joneses form what’s known in the poly community as a “quad”—two couples with each individual able to share some sexual intimacy with any of the others. In a “simple, basic, or hetero quad,” only opposite-gendered partners are sexually involved.

I’d like to point out that a polycule can also involve consanguineous connections.

The Smith/Jones quad is also “open,” meaning partners can have additional outside lovers, if desired. Other polyamorists practice “polyfidelity,” where sexual intimacy occurs exclusively within the group. Others may be “fluid bonded”—using condoms or other safer sex practices with outsiders.

He moves on to the people and how they actually live.

There’s no suggestive art on the walls or mirrors on the ceiling, and nobody’s likely to be lounging around in sexy lingerie. This is a family of generally serious folk who spend more time reading books from their large library than they do partying. Some might say they’re a bit geeky, with interests in things both techie and sci-fi.

Monogamists and others who assume they don’t know any polyamorists need to know that polyamorists live among them. You pass them by when walking somewhere, you deal with them in your job. They are in your schools. Many of them lead lives no different than yours, aside from the structure of their relationships.

More Opportunities to Speak Up About Genetic Sexual Attraction

If you have experienced or are experiencing Genetic Sexual Attraction or Genetic Attraction, here are a couple of more opportunities to increase public awareness and understanding.

Teachers Groups and Full Marriage Equality

Those against marriage equality have denounced educational associations, such as teachers unions, for standing up for marriage equality. The critics claim that such groups have no interest in the issue.

That is not true.

First, every teacher has students whose education is impacted by the denial of a freedom to marry and other forms of discrimination. Some students come from homes that are disadvantaged or threatened by law enforcement because the home is headed by same-sex couples, or a polyamorous or polygamous set of parents, or consanguineous parents. Denial of the freedom to marry places burdens on the entire household. This puts the students at a disadvantage in learning.

But more directly, some teachers themselves are denied their freedom to marry. This goes back further than denying same-sex couples their marital rights. This goes back even further than denying heterosexual interracial couples their marital rights.

Check out this stroll through history by Ralph Lea and Christi Kennedy…

Six female teachers in Lodi got an unwanted letter in the mail in May 1923. In the letter, the Lodi School District Board of Trustees requested the six women resign their teaching jobs because they were married.

That’s right! Heterosexual females couldn’t be teachers and be married to anyone.

As was common practice throughout the nation at that time, the Lodi grammar school board adopted a resolution in 1921, stating, "No married teachers would be employed whose husbands were living and able to support them."

Can you imagine? Well, if you’ve had to stay closeted in the workplace, you probably can.

In 1923, Lodi had a population of about 7,100. There were four police officers and 1,412 telephones in Lodi homes and businesses. There were five grammar schools, one high school and three private schools. Between all the schools, Lodi had 100 teachers for the biggest number in the city's history up to that time. It was a progressive, modern time, but still a time when a woman's place was in the home, married and having babies.

Which means a man could be married (only to a certain woman) and still be a teacher. It was a sexist denial of the freedom to marry.

Throughout the nation, the early 1900s through the 1920s was a time when married women were chastised for working as teachers and were expected to resign their jobs.

To me, it makes sense that educational associations would now be involved in standing up for marriage equality. We need full marriage equality so that teachers can teach without fear of losing their jobs because they are LGBT, poly, or consanguinamorous, and so that students can learn and grow, living in families that are respected, knowing that they are free to be who they are and love who they love.

Poly in Vancouver

Peter Tupper reported on an event in Canada called “What is Polyamory?”

The majority of them were already practicing, or at least familiar with, polyamory, the practice of consensual non-monogamy, including relationship styles ranging from open marriage to swinging to multi-partner marriage to group families.

Presented by the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association (CPAA), the evening's panel included Janet W. Hardy, co-author of The Ethical Slut, a book often cited as the bible of polyamory; Seattle's Terisa Greenan, creator of the Family web video series; John Ince, legal counsel for the CPAA and co-owner of the Art of Loving adult store; and Kiki Christie from Victoria's Poly101 discussion group.

This was in reaction to the Canadian poly trial…

What brought them together was a reference case currently in the B.C. Supreme Court, which concerns Section 293 of the Criminal Code, a rarely enforced law prohibiting polygamy. While the government wants to use this to control the Mormon polygamists (polygynists, technically: one husband, multiple wives) of Bountiful, B.C., polyamory advocates says they fear this law could be used to persecute people who have egalitarian, consensual non-monogamous relationships.

Laws against kidnapping, domestic violence, and child abuse should be applied to prevent those crimes, and it will be easier to do so if witnesses and victims aren’t made to be criminals for their adult marital relationships.

“The law, as it currently stands, is very broadly worded. It prohibits all multi-party marriages and marriage-like relationships, and that includes polygyny, polyandry, polyamory, same-sex multi-party conjugal unions, and it does so even if there is consent," she adds. "In fact, the statute goes even further than that, because it criminalizes anyone who celebrates or assists in a ceremony that relates to these relationships.”

“Polyamory really is the new gay. We, the polyamory community, are now really where the gay community was in the [19]60s," says Ince, director and legal counsel of the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association and a polyamorist himself. "They were facing a law that had been enacted a hundred years before. They decided it wasn’t acceptable anymore to live in the closet, they started to create community. This is exactly what is happening with the polyamory community in the 21st century."

Poly people should be thankful for the way paved by monogamous LGBT people who stood up, and heterosexual poly people should, in turn, continue to stand up for LGBT rights, as monogmists should stand up for the rights of poly people. An adult should be free to pursue love, sex, and marriage with any consenting adults.