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Tuesday, January 9, 2018

They Would Marry If They Could

This blog does not endorse or encourage cheating. We strongly support ethical nonmonogamy. Even so, we know relationships of all sorts sometimes start as affairs and we're still interested in relationship dynamics for relationships that would be "forbidden" even if there was no cheating involved and never had been.

As common as consanguinamorous relationships are and how common they are to be closeted due to prejudice, it means some people will cheat to be in them. Aside from the ethical issues with cheating, it can be extremely risky when it comes to consanguinamory. While still illegal in many places, the vast majority of consanguinamorous lovers are never prosecuted. But when there is someone who is being cheated on, especially so close to the situation, that person may react to discovering the cheating by alerting authorities.


 Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law where they live, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Almost all of these interviews have not included cheating as part of the dynamic, though as you will see here, we;re willing to do such interviews.

The woman interviewed below should be free to legally divorce her spouse and marry her lover, yet she can't, and she could be harassed, persecuted, and imprisoned if she and her lover were open about their love. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights?

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this woman has to say. You may sympathize with her husband and be upset with her, or you may be in the same situation as her or her lover, or maybe you simply find this provocative. Whatever your reaction, I hope you'll see that laws criminalizing consensual (to be redundant) relationships and sex cause more problems than they could ever solve.

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FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your background. 

Anonymous: I'm a 37-year-old, married mother of one son living in the UK. I work part time in a supermarket. I'm an only child

FME: You are in a sexual relationship with your son? Are you his biological mother?

Yes, he is my biological son and we have been involved in a sexual relationship for almost a year.


FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation... are you heterosexual, bisexual, what? Are you a monogamist, polyamorist, or...?

I would describe myself as bisexual and up until this relationship began, monogamist.


FME: What was family life like for you growing up? What was your childhood like? How was sexuality handled in your family? Was it a taboo subject, or very restrictive, or more of an open and accepting thing?

I would say I had a fairly normal upbringing. Sex wasn't a negative subject exactly but it wasn't something that was really talked about.


FME: How did sexual affection become a part of your relationship?

My son confessed to me his feelings. He'd been acting strange for awhile and something was clearly bothering him. He confessed to me his feelings. 
It was a very big shock for me but I listened to him tell me how long he'd been thinking about me, fantasizing about me, and wanted to make love to me.

That was the first of many conversations we had about the situation. I needed some time to process everything.

I thought about little else, did some research, and kept talking to him about it. I wanted him to be sure how he felt and I wanted to make sure I understood his feelings properly. I spent a lot of time thinking and rationalizing before I decided that we could have one night together. In my mind I thought that it was probably just a fantasy and if he was given the actual opportunity, he would change his mind.

I was incredibly nervous and trying to convince myself he would change his mind. The whole process was all I could think about at the time so it did put a slight strain on my marriage for a little while. In the end it turned out to be a good thing. 

I remember my son already in bed when I came in and I sat on the bed next to him. Neither of us really said anything. We were both nervous. 

My phone went off, I still don't know why I'd brought it in with me. I stood up to answer it and it was my husband, saying don't wait up as he wouldn't be home that night. He did ask if I was OK, and, looking at our son, I said I was just fine. I remember thinking it was a sign. 

I let my robe drop to the floor, so I was naked, and the look on my son's face, I will always cherish the memory of how he looked at me then. I walked back over to the bed and got under the covers with him with such an intense clarity. As soon as our skin touched and our lips met I knew it wouldn't be one night. We made love at first but as the night went on we kept sleeping for a little bit then woke each other for more sex. It was a long, intense night that I will never forget and he was f---ing me when the sun rose.

FME: Before this had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together? Do you, or have you had feelings like this for any other close family members whether they are genetic relatives or not?

Never. Before all this I'd obviously heard about such things but never considered myself attracted to any family. When I began to entertain the idea of giving him what he wanted, I did imagine it could be very pleasurable.

FME: How do you describe the sex now? 

There aren't enough words to properly describe how it feels to have sex with my son. We make love and we f---
 with an intensity and passion I've never felt before. Being with him sexually makes me feel more fulfilled and more feminine than anything else in my life. There is a taboo aspect to it that adds a kink but honestly it feels very natural and above all, right.


FME: Describe your relationship now. Is it family-with-benefits, an affair, girlfriend-boyfriend? 

I have to be honest. Our relationship is an affair. I know that I am doing wrong by my husband and I do feel guilty about that, but my son is who I am meant to be with. When he finishes his studies we will talk about the future but most likely I will divorce my husband then.

I had my son very young. It wasn't best timing and it never seemed like a good time after that. My sex life with my husband has never been exhilarating or extraordinary. We do still have sex, but it isn't often. I love him. He is a good man, but I feel now I'm meant to be with my son. Our marriage is OK, but looking now I don't think either of us have found it truly fulfilling. 


FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature of your relationship?

We've had to be extremely careful not to let anyone know the truth of our relationship. If anyone were to find out, I'm not exactly sure what would happen and that thought terrifies me. Hopefully, someday, we can be a little more open. Our hope is that when he moves out and away we might be able to have some time as a couple openly.
 

FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? 

While hiding our relationship can be fun and adds a little extra spice, I do find it hard and isolating not to be able to share this wonderful relationship. I have some great friends who I'd love to talk to about this but I really don't know how they would react.


FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other and that he can’t truly consent?

I've spoken to some people and have been called a monster, a cheat and worse. I accept that I'm doing wrong by my husband but my relationship with my son is my priority and it has to be. For those who disapprove because it's incest, well I would say you just don't know or understand the deep bond that sharing my whole body with my son creates and sustains. It is the best and purest expression of my love for him.

As long as the people involved are mature enough and know what they want, I don't see why anybody should object.


FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, bullying, etc., would you? 

We're holding off on long-term plans for the moment but honestly, if he asked me, I'd say yes in a heartbeat.


FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member, especially a mother or son? 

Talking and communication is the most important thing. Take your time, breath and give yourself and each other space to process the situation.
FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other?

Let them know they can trust you, that they are safe with you, that you won't judge.


FME: Any plans for the future?
As I've said we're holding off on anything concrete until he's.finished his studies. That being said, I do plan on having his baby someday.


FME: Anything else to add?

Just that I love my son more than anything. I would do anything for him and that since this relationship started, I feel like I am fulfilling an incredibly important role as his mother.


*****


We could scold her and tell her she should stop, but as you can see, the attraction and bond is powerful. If you are in the same situation her son was before he confessed his feelings to her, please read this.

It would have been ideal if she could have first discussed ethical nonmonogamy or a divorce with her husband, or even directly brought what her son wanted to her husband's attention and  resolved the matter without cheating. Life isn't always so tidy, unfortunately. As I've said elsewhere, I think it is possible the husband/father is aware on some level, whether quietly accepting it or in denial.

If she does divorce her husband, why should she not be free to marry her new lover?  There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely. Others around them are being hurt, too, when there is hiding and cheating and whatever lying is needed to cover up affairs or to take on an unwitting beard.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a relationship like this (hopefully without the cheating, but even then) and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

If you are concerned about pregnancies between close relatives, read this.
If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.

Thank you to Anonymous for doing this interview! We hope things work out well for your husband and both of you as you continue your intergenerational consanguinamorous relationship.
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4 comments:

  1. Ethical issues aside, the interviewee started something she couldn't control. I understand that mother-son relationships can be like that, even without GSA. This should be a cautionary tale to anyone who's thinking about getting involved with a close relative. It may go places you didn't expect and might not have wanted.

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  2. MalcolmD says: I appreciate Anonymous' willingness to tell her story and Keith's initiative to share it with us. Because of established hostility, we still can't exactly put a face on the issue, but individual experiences and narratives help us to humanize and understand it. I would imagine that Anonymous' words will provide comfort and guidance for other people in similar situations.

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  3. I for one believe in unusual physical chemistry triggers sometimes between close relatives. Once the physical relationship starts it would be hard to give up. Hope our society allows such couplings.

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  4. My birth mother and I have been having intercourse soon after I graduated High School. My father died years ago and it didn't feel right to leave my om and go off to college. That summer, I bought an engagement ring and proposed to her. She knew I had feeling for her and and I felt the same. I cant imagine being with someone other than my mom!

    ReplyDelete

To prevent spam, comments will have to be approved, so your comment may not appear for several hours. Feedback is welcome, including disagreement. I only delete/reject/mark as spam: spam, vulgar or hateful attacks, repeated spouting of bigotry from the same person that does not add to the discussion, and the like. I will not reject comments based on disagreement, but if you don't think consenting adults should be free to love each other, then I do not consent to have you repeatedly spout hate on my blog without adding anything to the discourse.

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