Courting Consanguinamory

One of the most frequently asked questions about consanguinamory (consensual incest) is how the asker can initiate such activity. For example, "How do I seduce my brother?" or "How can I let my mother know I want her?" As usual, this is talking about consensual sex, not abuse, child molestation, etc. Please note that this is assuming all people involved are independent legal adults and in places where such activities are not illegal.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer, because people are different and relationships are all different. As such, only very generalized information can be provided, in a writing such as this, unless you talk one-on-one with someone who might be able to help.

Your attractions are yours, and you have your feelings for whatever reason. It is not such a rare fantasy, and there’s nothing wrong with having those fantasies or attractions. Also, actually taking action to seduce another adult would only be wrong if it was intended to cause some harm (get the person arrested, for example) or if it would involve you or that person violating intact vows or agreements with others in a way that would be kept secret. It is also a bad idea if you're completely wrong for each other (for example, the other person wants to reserve sex for a serious ongoing relationship, and you just want a fling.) Otherwise, there’s no good reason as to why it should be avoided if it is what all involved want.

The Bad News

It may not be possible. The matter can be as simple as... they’re not attracted to you and nothing will change that, or they simply are not interested or willing to have sex with you and nothing will change that. And that needs to be respected, because a person’s feelings and boundaries are their own and sex or lovemaking can only be something that is by mutual consent. Coercion, force, etc. means it isn’t sex or lovemaking; it is assault and abuse.

It is even more complicated when it comes to family members or relatives, because of what has been described as the Westermarck effect and societal prejudices. Because of those things, a person may have a history of demonstrating a strong attraction to people very much like you, and yet may not have an attraction to you or may have an attraction but may not be willing to consider you as a sexual partner. Whether it is an internal, biological mechanism or a result of socialization, many people are turned off to this. In the case of a parent or other older relative, it could be just of a matter of them seeing you as their little boy or little girl (even though you are grown) that overrides all else.

The person you are trying to seduce may have an aversion for different reasons, some valid, some not. A person's feelings and attractions and turn-offs and boundaries are their own, and they have to be respected.

The Good News

Some people do it. Not everyone experiences the Westermarck effect. In the cases of genetic relatives raised separately, there is often a very strong attraction, but even when there was no separation in their lives, some close relatives have active attractions (think about it… if you have such an attraction, obviously some do) and sometimes those attractions are reciprocated. Even if not actively experienced, they can be awakened.

So, it does happen. Consanguineous lovemaking, sex, or experimentation is common enough that everyone knows someone who is, or has been, involved, and this has been a reality for all of human existence.

So, What To Do?

Here comes a very controversial statement, but I'm going to write it anyway because I try to give people practical advice...

In general, as long as you’re a gender to which they are attracted, it is easier to seduce someone with a penis than it is to seduce someone who does not have a penis.

Please notice I said in general. Broad generalizations do not apply to all individuals. There are many, many exceptions. People can argue nature vs. nurture all day (although notice that in other species, in male-female interaction males often have to do some sort of task before mating with a female). For our purposes, it doesn't matter why things are that way, just that they are.

One reason it is easier to seduce someone with a penis is that it is easier for most people to tell if that person is getting aroused.

1. First and foremost, you should consider if you really want to try this. This is what I’ve written about that. Some of what is below rehashes some of what I wrote there.

2. The next important question is, do you know what it is you want? Are you looking for a fling, a family-member-with-benefits situation, a life partner... what? If you’re looking for an ongoing partner on some level, much of the advice is similar to general advice about finding a relationship.

3. Is the person you’re trying to seduce available?

a) This blog does not advise cheating. If they are in a closed relationship or otherwise have a partner/spouse who would not agree to the experience or relationship, and where consanguinamory is still illegal, the partner(s) of the person you desire can use the law to destroy you and the person you desire. The whole thing can be an ugly mess, even if law enforcement isn't involved.

However, if their relationship is open or if it is dead, and those are two very different situations, there is a chance that might be right to pursue. In some open relationships, the partner can even be the key, for more than one reason. The partner can test your relative’s possible interest and the partner can set up certain situations. Use your imagination here.

So much depends not only on the conditions of the relationship, but the personalities of the people involved.

b) Even if they are not in a closed relationship, they may not be available for a sexual relationship, for whatever reason. Determining this might be part of the overall tactical approach, as the person in whom you’re interested might refuse to consider you, a close relative, as a potential sex partner under just about any circumstances.

Note: The specifics of steps 4, 5, and 6 ultimately depend on the people involved, and their personalities and history together, as well as their environment (such as the country they are living in and whether they are living together alone as opposed to living with others). Every situation is different.

4. Send signals. Signals are more effective when the other person is looking for them, meaning they already have a mutual interest in making the relationship sexual. Having a history of life experiences with your relative can help as there may be running jokes, shared memories, euphemisms, or shorthand that you use between you that can be referenced or tweaked to send signals. (As a man, I want to warn that males can be clueless at picking up subtle hints.)

There are two general categories of signals one should send:

a) "I'm a sexual being." This will be necessary if the other person is not already thinking about it, because they are thinking of you strictly as a parent, son/daughter, sibling, aunt/uncle, nephew/niece, etc.

Possible specifics:

A very good way of communicating this it to talk, talk, talk about sex with the person you’re trying to seduce. The more they talk about sex with you, and thus think about sex while interacting with you, the better. You might also learn some of their turn-ons, turn-offs, etc.

“Accidental” exposure or sexts that involve something like a picture of genitalia “accidentally” sent to them might attract a man but are more likely to repel a woman. Think about it. When men send crotch shots to women they don't really know, most of the women are going to be turned off or are going to laugh. When women send crotch shots to men they don't really know, most of the men are going to be turned on.

Another tactic is to ask your desired loved one if they can help you out by telling you what your most attractive physical features are while you pose for them. “Try to think of me like you’re a stranger,” you can say. This gets them to focus on what is attractive or sexy about you.

Something that can be done to convey the message to a man is to play around with something phallic like a banana or something else you can hold in your hand or eat and "tease" the man by being suggestive with the item.

b) "I want you." You should let the other person know that you have respect and admiration for what they have to offer as a partner and their sexuality.

Possible specifics:

Compliments; not crude or rude, but maybe a little more on the romantic or sexual side.

If you are talking about sex/love/dating like I advise above, they might ask you, if you’re unattached, why you’re not with someone or how the search is going, and there’s your opportunity to say something along the lines of “Not every woman/man is as great a catch as you are.”

A really bold move would be leaving a relevant page of this blog open/printed where it is likely to be found by them. This could be a good one.

There’s an application for checking mutual interest in your social networking “friends” that used to be called “Bang With Friends” and is now called DOWN ( that can be very helpful, because the only way your relative is going to know if you’ve put them into the app as someone in whom you’re sexually interested is if they use the app and have done the same when it comes to you. Then it’s game on. Even if they don’t put you in, however, they might still want you. This is all dependent on both of you actually using the app.

Let them know you like people who look like them. You don’t have to say “I like people who look like you,” but if you’re looking at someone who looks like them, say something like “She/he’s hot. Their hair is almost as sexy and yours.” If your loved one is older or younger, let them know you’re attracted to some people around their age. “Your friend is handsome. He’s almost as handsome as you, but not quite.” You can also, in general, point out that they are more attractive than someone else (especially someone famous) even if that person looks nothing like them. “I don’t know, I think you’re way hotter than her. Get your Oscar acceptance speech ready now.”

For either of those general signals (a or b), lingering looks (especially up and down the body), flirting, playful teasing, jokes, and general double entendres can send signals while also allowing plausible deniability so as to minimize the risk of embarrassment or awkwardness. For example, saying "I was reading that [insert the name of country] was considering legalizing consensual incest, and I thought it was kind of strange it was outlawed to begin with. Did you know that?" The same goes for bringing up a news story or a book/movie/television show/song where consensual incest is an element, even if it has to be made up.  Bring up a popular, interesting, or buzz-worthy movie or television series and discuss the fact that consanguineous sex is part of the mix. You might find some material to reference here.

Another signal is increasing the physicality of the relationship. For example, if you typically hug each other, then that would be keeping the embrace longer. If you kiss on the cheek, it can be getting closer to the lips. If you give short kisses on the lips, it would be letting the kisses linger. Look for excuses to be physically close and to touch, even if just in passing.

I generally advise AGAINST secretly taking things, such as underwear, from women. However, when it comes to men, “borrowing” an item of clothing, such as a shirt (especially one that has been worn but not yet washed) or sports jersey, and leaving it with a toy (do I have to spell out what kind of toy?) in a place where the man will find it is a very strong signal. The implication is that you used something that smelled like him or otherwise reminds you of him to help you masturbate. Of course, he has to find it, so maybe you can leave another item there like sunglasses or a piece of mail and tell him to go get that item while you’re busy (“I think I left some mail on my bed. Can you go get it for me? I’m in the middle of something here on the computer and I don’t want to get up.” Or even better, “Handsome, I don’t want to get out of the bath and I just realized I left my towel/bath oil on the bed. Can you bring it to me?”)

Showing skin to a man can be effective. A woman can show skin to a man by trying on an outfit or a swimsuit that deliberately shows a lot of skin and asking, “What do you think? Does this show too much?” You can keep adjusting until there is a “wardrobe malfunction.” If you do that, laugh and say something like, “Oops, well, that’s probably a little too much skin” as you let the view continue.

5. Set the scene. BE THERE. Being around them as much as possible is helpful, as long as it is not going to get on their nerves. If this person does enjoy time alone and doesn’t get enough, you can score major points by taking the steps to give them some time to themselves (such as by babysitting for them). You want to create an environment in which they’ll want to be sexual/romantic. Getting them alone with you is a must. Lowering any inhibitions they have that would get in the way is also a must.

Possible specifics:

A little wine can be good if they are not a problem drinker.

Light finger foods can lead to sensual contact and flirting. For example, after a good  hand-washing, feeding them grapes puts your fingers at their lips, given you the opportunity to touch their lips with your fingers, and for them to take your fingers into their mouth. Even better, try feeding them a grape by holding it in your lips and moving it to their lips.

Going on “dates” with the person is good, in part because the more you act like lovers, the better. Dates can be the way to move things along, and since relatives spend time together all of the time, it’s not suspicious. Even holding hands, where that is usually reserved for lovers, can be plausibly presented as part of the familial interaction.

In some cases, a vacation away together with plenty of wining, dining, dancing, etc. will move things along, or camping where you’ll be free to enjoy nature, skinny dip, sunbathe, and share a tent together in privacy.

For others, the ideal would be a quiet evening together at home.

Whether on vacation or at home, drawing the person a nice bath (maybe even offering to scrub their back) and/or watching a romantic comedy or a sexy movie while cuddled together under a blanket can be just the right setting. How about offering a massage, shoulder rub, or leg rub? Try to think of things that will get you alone, in contact with each other, and with as little restrictive clothing as possible (soaking in a hot tub, skinny dipping and horseplay in the water, even strip poker). Buy them something to wear that’s sexy or revealing and ask them to try it on for you since you bought it for them.

If you are the adult child and you know what physical attributes or behaviors attracted them to your other parent, play up any of those attributes you have or behaviors.

6. Take action. If you’ve been through all of the above, it is up to you to make it happen.

Possible specifics:

The action can simply be starting to neck. It could be cracking suggestive jokes, or making a dare or playing a game of chicken, or “finding” a pair of sex dice and “jokingly” offering your loved one the results of a roll. It could be “wrestling” with them for the remote control or the last piece of desert. It could be role playing as a “joke” ("Excuse me, miss, is this seat taken?") and keeping it going as the situation gets sexual, as that makes it easier for some. Especially if you’re not the same gender, a bold move,  if you sense the timing is right, can be telling your loved one you’d like to see how a woman/man masturbates.

Be prepared to appeal to your love one's heart, libido, and intellect (be prepared to answer concerns and let them know other people are doing it). Again, if they resist or indicate they are not willing, back off! There’s a chance they just need to think about it for a bit longer, or there’s a chance it won’t go any further, and you have to respect that. Going slowly might help.

PLEASE NOTE that sometimes someone insists on the other person making the first move. There are many reasons for this. If one adult is young and the other person is significantly older, the older person, especially if they are the parent or grandparent, might wait for the younger person to make the move to be sure they weren't unduly manipulating the person. The same can happen in reverse when the older person is elderly and the younger person will not make the first move for the same reason. Also, some women interested in a man insist on the man making the first move. So, if you're a young man or woman interested in your mother or father, you might need to make the first move.

7. Here’s what NOT to do, despite what may be depicted in erotic stories or videos (In case you haven’t noticed, fiction, especially involving fantasy, often departs from what happens in reality)...

•As I said above, do not force yourself on anyone.

•Do not violate the person’s privacy, such as spying when/where there is an expectation of privacy, especially if you think revealing that you were spying is the way to go.

•Do not secretly take a woman’s things, such as her underwear.

•Do not expect that by suddenly waving an erection around (assuming you have a penis) or “getting caught” masturbating that a woman will turn into your unbridled, passionate sex kitten. I do know of a relationship that got a kickstart because a young man found out that his mother had never watched a man masturbate in-person and she wanted to see that, and so he did it. But that’s a special situation because it was a fantasy of hers that he found out about. Most women do not enjoy the thought of guys doing that out-of-the-blue with no build-up or request.

8. Reassurance. After the first time together, residue of sex-negative programming might bother your loved one. Reassure them with anything from a smile, to hand-holding, to an embrace, to talking (including thanking them and telling them how much you enjoyed what you’ve just experienced together), to a shower together, to another round of lovemaking. You want to let them know you wanted this and enjoyed it and that there’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It can help to reach out to others or at least read about others.

9. Consider the future and how your might be able to live together.

10. If you are successful, tell me about it.

As always, I can be contacted via private message on Facebook (I'm at /fullmarriageequality) or at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com for personalized discussion.

This question may be asked any number of ways, including “I’m in love with or I want to or how do I seduce or have sex with my mother father son daughter brother sister aunt uncle nephew niece” or “How do or can I get my mother father son daughter brother sister aunt uncle nephew niece to have sex with me?”
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  1. Dear author. You must have passed through very uncanny feelings while writing that. I commend for that... But indeed, that needed to be written, those situations needed to be adressed like any other else. We must fight prejudices and sex-negative morals head on !
    Though I don't know how much people are really in the state of mind such as "oh gosh, I love him, and I don't care I am seen as a monster for the rest of our lives". People acting out despite such concerns, shall be awarded, this is an achievement in itself, a proof of a the noble spirit of the truth seeker !

  2. My GOD is this a welcome resource. SO often sons and even quite a few mothers have asked me how they can begin living an incest lifestyle, and finally I have something concrete to point to!!

  3. Such a welcome resource I can point the sons and mothers asking me for help on how to take the first steps towards an incest lifestyle, something it's obvious they both clearly want! Great work!!

  4. A big caution to take and a little question to try.

    The caution: Consang relationships are POWERFUL. If you get involved, it will probably more powerful than any attraction you have ever felt before. They border on the addictive. Don't even think about starting a FWB relationship with a relative. It won't happen. Expect to be hooked the first time. It does happen.

    The question: If you decide you really want to go through with it, at the right moment, tell them how much you love them as a relative and how much you like them as a friend. Then ask, "Have you ever had feelings for me that go beyond this?" This will give your loved one a graceful way of either backing out or going forward.


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