You Did the Taboo - Now What?

So you've had sex* with your close relative or family member, whether a cousin, brother, sister, mom, dad, son, daughter, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, grandparent, or grandchild. Or maybe more than one of those. "What have I done?" you might have asked, or "Now what?" This can be so whether these are your blood relatives, adoptive relatives, or step relations.

There may or may not be feelings of elation, confusion, awkwardness, guilt, shame, and... a strong desire to do it again.

It is important for you to know...

1) You're not alone. I guarantee you know someone else who has had similar experiences. Most people keep quiet about them, but you'd be surprised who in your life has had consanguineous sexual encounters. Some of these situations might be like yours.

2) What happened could have been a normal, natural reaction to the circumstances. People have been having consanguineous sex for as long as there have been people. Some people are consanguinamorous in their orientation. Some people are brought together by reunion GSA. But even if neither of those apply to you, what could be unnatural or abnormal about people who find each other attractive or are curious sharing affection or recreation, especially if they love each other?

3) There isn't necessarily anything wrong with you, what happened, or with continuing. If this was by mutual consent or agreement then it isn't wrong. It might be wrong if it violated an existing agreement with someone else that you intend to pretend is still intact (cheating). But absent cheating, any guilt or shame you feel is likely from internalization of external prejudices and sex-negative attitudes. Simply put, someone else told you it is wrong. But what would be wrong about loving each other this way? Affection, meaning consensual affection, isn't a bad thing. Incest encounters that involve abuse or incestuous assault are bad. Not consanguinamorous affection.

4) Participants need to communicate. Where relationships are examined and discussed, you'll repeatedly see people stress the need for communication. This is even more apparent in spaces where consensual nonmonogamy or ethical nonomonogamy (such as polyamory) is discussed. It holds true for in a relationship involving consanguinamory, too. (And speaking of ethical nonmonogamy, you might want to consider it, depending on the circumstances.)

If you and your lover(s) didn't discuss your feelings, boundaries, expectations, concerns, and desires at length before, you should definitely have a good talk. Reassure them that you wanted this and enjoyed it and want to do it again (if those things are true).

As with any romantic or sexual relationship, you'll need to figure out the rules and the boundaries together. Will this be family-with-benefits, or a spousal-style relationship, or something on the wide spectrum between? Will this be an open or closed relationship, and what is meant by "open?" Will you push off these decisions until things settle down a bit? There are no wrong answers to these questions, only what works for those of you involved.


5) A honeymoon phase may happen. It can be normal that your and/or your new partner(s) want to do it all of the time, now that you have done it. And it can be normal for that to ease up a bit later. As with any other relationship, there could be times when you are more affectionate than others.

6) Envy is a thing. If someone else is aware of the additional bond to your relationship, they might be envious, even if they don't want to admit that's what it is. This might help them.

7) Haters are going to hate. You may need to protect yourself and each other from the controlling and hateful. Laws vary in some places, and there may still be unjust laws where you are that criminalize your love, which emboldens the haters. Even more widespread than criminalization is discrimination in marriage law. Because of these things, consanguinamorous relationships can have more difficulties than others. The good news is that the overwhelming majority of consanguineous lovers are never outed to the wrong people. But some special planning might be in order.

8) Reaching out can help. Reaching out to connect with supportive, understanding, experienced people can help. You are not alone. Anyone is welcome to contact Keith and also to check out Kindred Spirits.

You are welcome to comment below, including anonymously.

*Please note that this is about mutual affection or experimentation, not abuse.

If you haven't done it yet, this might help.

If you're still young, this might help.

So, whether you've slept with your sister or made out with your son, or whichever relative with whom you're getting frisky, hopefully this post has helped you.