Of Fire, Powder, Vibrations, and the Irresistible

This blog is here to advocate for the rights of all consenting adults to be together how they mutually agree. Included in that is supporting ethical or consensual nonmonogamy. Unfortunately, because of lingering laws and prejudices about consanguinamory, many people can't be open about their attractions and experiences; cheating, which we do not advocate, can happen in such a negative environment as people do not feel free to discuss things openly and honestly with their partners, or anyone else for that matter. Again, we don't advocate cheating, but we recognize that some consanguineous sexual relationships do happen in the context of cheating; many reunion Genetic Sexual Attraction situations involve this. Still, there are things we can learn about relationships in general and consanguineous relationships especially by interviewing people who have had such experiences.

The woman interviewed below formed a family with partner and having a child together, but she's deeply torn because of something that happened to her.

In much of the world, including all but a couple of US states, both she and her other lover could be criminally prosecuted for this, not for the cheating, but for having sex with each other.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what this articulate woman has to say. You may think his relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic and romantic; you might find the cheating to be unacceptable. But whatever your reaction, should this be a crime? Shouldn't they be able to be open about their relationship and even marry, if that's what they want? Also, notice that aspects of the relationship are common to GSA relationships that don't involve cheating, too. We don't condone cheating, but even a relationship that involves cheating can help give an understanding of the dynamic of consanguineous relationships, as this is happening everywhere, and clearly she feels extremely conflicted. You can tell how this is weighing on her when you read what she has to say. It's a terrible shame that there isn't more research into this and more help available.

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FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your background.

Anonymous Niece: I am in my early twenties, a female student living in a major UK city. I think when people hear about relationships between family members, prejudices make them think of strange outcasted perverts in darkened rooms, or people who have suffered terrible abuse. For me neither is the case. I didn't have an easy or typical childhood, the same way many people don't now. Not many people whose parents separated do. I had some issues with my mother having a drinking problem. But I was always loved, cared for, fed. I went on nice holidays.

My adopted dad who I'd called Dad almost my whole life was always there for me. I was loved and supported through anything difficult.  I like to think I look like a normal young girl. I went through school and passed GCSEs with flying colors. Then through A levels, and have done enough to get into university. I was in a youth theater and went all over the country performing. I wasn't majorly popular, but I had a good circle of friends. I love music and going out to clubs. I studied an English course, but didn't like it, so I left. I worked as a waitress in a popular pub for a while. Then, I worked as a carer and eventually went back to uni to study Events Management. I had all kinds of jobs and have worked since I was 16. I volunteered in a charity shop to get the experience I needed to get a paid job. 

Me and my partner became a couple during my first university course. We were so in love with each other. I thought I had finally found the person I was supposed to be with. He was fun-loving and relaxed, caring, gorgeous. We were so happy. But six months in I got pregnant with my son. All of a sudden, two young people without a clue about anything had to grow up fast. My partner had been in and out of work and now within nine months we had to find stable employment, find a place to live, buy furniture and baby stuff, and learn to adult. The pressure took it's toll on both of us.

I walked the streets for up to ten miles a day as a home care worker, pregnant and exhausted, and he went into factory work, which was typically in a dark depressing place, overworked and underpaid, where management did everything in their power to crush your spirit and everyone was miserable. 

Then my son came and he was so perfect. I don't think I'll ever feel good enough to be his Mum. He was a big baby born by forceps delivery and I had a pretty big hemorrhage. I had a catheter, and stitches, I was given too much of the induction drug and sent into over-stimulation. It was traumatic and my body went through so much. I developed post-natal anxiety and panic attacks. There were times when I literally couldn't go to the shops alone. It was the lowest I have ever been. My partner wasn't there for me, and our relationship broke down. We stayed together, but it was never the same.

I went back to university when my son was eight months, began exercising, and slowly got my strength back. I felt bitter and resentful towards my partner for not supporting me when I was recovering. And that was when I met my uncle. 

FME: How would you describe your genders? How would you describe your sexual and relationship orientations?

I would describe myself as female and my uncle would describe himself as male. I would class myself as as bisexual, I'm predominantly heterosexual but I've had feelings for women in the past and wouldn't be opposed to a same-sex relationship if I fell in love with someone of the same sex. He classes himself as heterosexual. We're both monogamists. I respect people's right to have as many people in a relationship as they wish to, but I think I'm too much of a jealous person at times to do it myself.


FME: So you're in a relationship with your uncle?

I'm not in a relationship as such, but a Genetic Sexual Attraction situation with my biological uncle. This will probably freak a lot of people out, but I want to put across that as ashamed as I am to admit it now, I had those same prejudices, and views. I always thought I was so open-minded. But if someone would have told me a story like mine I would have thought it was wrong and weird, before it happened to me. My uncle is around 40 years old. He works in construction. He has grey hair, looks after himself really well and has a devilish silver fox look about him. 

I had met my biological dad for the first time when I was about 13; we went for a day out with my siblings after speaking for a little while. It was really nice, and we all got along really well. I came to stay with them for the weekend a few times after that. Then, we didn't see each other for a while and he lives in a different town. We reconnected when he came to see my son after he was born. A few months later, he came to my city for a day out, and said that we could all go out for tea; me, my son, my Dad, my Uncle and my Granddad. From the first time I met my uncle we had this connection. We were so similar, but he was so funny as well, I just thought he was brilliant. We got along so well.

So we went out for dinner. A bit later on, my partner, who had been out visiting some friends, picked the baby up on his way home and I went out for a drink with everyone. I thought my uncle was giving me this look. We were so drawn to each other. We talked and laughed. But as the night got later, we bumped into a female friend of his. At the time, I didn't know why but I hated her and went home in a strop proclaiming something about her annoying me. 

A few months passed and we all went up to my Nan and Granddad's around Christmas time. That was when  it all started. I knew me and my uncle were acting strange around each other but I tried to dismiss it, make excuses for it. We would be having a conversation with the whole room but it was like we were having our own conversation within that. 
It was later that night when everyone went to bed and we were the last ones up that he made his feelings apparent. He held me and tried to kiss me, but I pushed him off. I was so confused. We were so flirtatious with each other but when it came down to it I pushed him away. We played a few games of pool and went to bed.  The next day, we were close to each other whenever the opportunity arose. He would sit next to me and show me photo albums, or come and find me and sit with me whenever it was apparent I was alone in another room. He drove us home the next day and we made plans to go for a drink, but he didn't show. I was obsessed with him. I tried to put it to the back of my mind, but he was all I could think about. I joined him and a friend for drinks on New Years Eve and that's when it really all started. His friend went home early and we got pretty drunk. We had such a good time together. We liked all the same music. He kissed me and told me he was in love with me. I went between kissing him back and pushing him off, telling him we couldn't and that it was wrong. We spent long moments just staring into each other's eyes. I had never ever felt anything so powerful as this. My world stopped turning. I knew I was in deep from word go. 

FME: You currently live with? I currently live with my partner and our young son. FME: How far have you gone with your uncle? Could you continue to describe your feelings during those interactions? I have to remain vague answering this one and I suppose decline to answer in part, just to be on the safe side with the laws in the UK. But I will say this: from the second this started it's felt like electricity when we touch. If he so much as looks me in the eye or brushes my hand with his it's like electricity flows through my whole body. Just being close to him, the smell of his aftershave, the touch of his skin on mine if he hugs me; it's like a drug to me. I light up in his presence so much that everyone can see it. I remember the first day we met when I said I thought he was looking at me differently somehow. He pulled me up in the bar to dance. I felt it then before I knew what any of this was, before I knew how strong it would become. The day we went for lunch to talk about what was happening, he said to me that when we touched it felt electric, so he felt it too, because I hadn't told him that it felt like that to me. People think this is something disgusting or horrible they don't realize, they can't begin to understand how powerless I am. The situation I'm in eats away at me. It destroys me a little each day. I have no control over it. I didn't ask to feel the things I feel when he touches me it just happened, and that's the same both ways.

The other times it is intense in a different way, you know? Like when I rest my head on his chest. It's less like electricity and more like the world just, stops for an hour or two. As I mentioned, I suffer from anxiety and with everything that's going on it's like my brain just doesn't switch off anymore., constantly running a mile a minute. It's exhausting.
And it's like that from the second I wake up until the second I fall asleep, until I'm there, with my head on his chest and it's like quiet. At last. Everything is just quiet. It's beautiful and blissful, and intoxicating in it's own right.

I didn't ask for this. I don't ask you reading to understand. Because this part, the physical part is what many of you will say things like "well you can't control what you feel but you can control if you act upon it". And I don't ask you to understand but we never chose for this to happen to us.

It's biology's cruelest trick, a loophole that nature didn't account for. We're hard-wired to fall for those who are similar to us. Yet we don't fall for our family members because nature accounted for the fact they are the most similar to us in the world, and put a mechanism in place, the Westermark Effect, to ensure we didn't fall in love with them. But it didn't account for the modern world we live in where you don't grow up with those family members. 

The only way I can describe it is that then when you encounter them as an adult, your brain has never seen someone that similar to you, who it classes as "not related." It sets off a frenzy, like regular love but ten times more intense. You would do anything for them, be anything for them. Every touch you've had in the past now seems like a dull memory compared to their touch. And then you find yourself in this cruel Romeo and Juliet situation where the greatest love you've ever felt in your life is forbidden. The most beautiful, loving touch you've had is forbidden. And the pain is unimaginable.

FME: Before this, had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable? Did you have an opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together? Do you, or have you had feelings like this for any other close family members? Never before this did I ever think anything like this would happen to me. I had the usual prejudices, and I always thought I was a really open-minded person. I thought it was odd, a bit weird, a bit gross. I don't think I had any majorly strong views on it just, that it was like icky I suppose, for lack of better wording. I thought each to their own but kind of questioned how in the hell you could ever possibly look at your family in that way.  I'd never experienced anything like this before. I have a big family, with all kinds of elements to it. I have my adopted Dad and step-sisters, half brothers and sisters on both my adopted and biological sides. One of my half brothers is even a similar age to me, and we never grew up together, but I could never bring myself to look at him like that. The thought of being sexual with any of them makes me feel a bit sick. I don't know what the difference is with my uncle. I think it's because we're so similar. We just have this intense connection.  FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature of your relationship and how did they find out? How have they reacted? What kind of steps, if any, have you had to take to keep your privacy? Two people know the full nature of our relationship: my closest friend and his. And that's it. Other people speculate; they know something is off about us. The two who know only know because we confided in them. I think this could drive you insane if you had no one in the world to confide in. They're both extremely open-minded people who love us both very much. We know all of their secrets and they know ours. They reacted well. They were very accepting and comforting. They think we would make a good couple. They say life's too short not to be with the person you love but how can I tear my family apart for my own reasons? 

My partner doesn't know, my son is too young to know. I tried to leave my partner with this all started due to unrelated reasons. One night away from my son, and I crumbled. My partner cried and cried and begged for me back. I just couldn't split everyone up. Despite his faults as a partner, he's a loving father. He's the best father I've seen. Despite our differences I do care about him. He doesn't deserve to only see his son half of the time and our son thrives when we're both around. Aside from that, it's hard because neither of us could afford to live without the other one. Rent in our area is so high. Neither of us are well off or could move back in with our parents. He doesn't deserve to sleep on his friend's couch missing his son. So, I keep all of it from him. Me and my uncle only speak of our feelings when we're alone. It's so hard on bad days when my head is all over the place, always pretending like everything is okay. And the worst part is, I just see no way out. I can't leave to be with my uncle. I can't stop loving him. I can't seem to find the love I once had for my partner. So I'm stuck in this limbo where everyone hurts. So I just take it day by day, and put on a brave face, hoping one day there'll be answer to the golden question that's been pondered and pondered over since this started. "What are we going to do?" FME: Obviously, having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Are there any other disadvantages? Conversely, do you think GSA relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers?
Having to hide it is excruciating. It's also so difficult. GSA is so intense that it's like it gives off this vibration that everyone can feel. People only have to spend five minutes in our presence to know something is off. We're acting normal, but they can feel it radiating from us. Like we literally radiate attraction.
I think if people could understand how strong this is they'd be a lot more sympathetic to people suffering from GSA. 
There are so many disadvantages. It's more similar to an attraction than a normal relationship. It's all-consuming. It just rips right through your life and takes over. Ironically, it's this intensity that is the advantage as well. Its power is both what makes it so lethal and what makes it so intoxicating. There's a genuine fear in me that even if I was to get over my GSA feelings and have a normal relationship, nothing would compare to this feeling. Having felt the intensity of GSA love I genuinely wonder if I were to fall in love with someone not related would it feel watered down and weak now by comparison.
There's a quote which sums this up perfectly. GSA is "Like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume." So powerful, so indulgent, and oh so deadly. 


FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapproval of anyone having this kind of relationship, aside from the affair aspect? What's your reply to those who would say that this is him preying on you, and that you can’t truly consent?

I would say to remember I'm an adult and so is he. Consider how they would feel if they were minding their own business in love with another consenting adult, only to be told by others, outsiders at that, that their love isn't allowed. I want to urge people to remember that we didn't ask for this. I'm not some freak of nature. Until this took over, I was an average 21-year-old student, with a partner and a family. I feel like people would think of people in situations like mine as circus freaks who were odd or crazy before GSA happened to them. And I want to tell them that if they were to walk past me in the street, or talk to me in the shopping center, they'd still see a normal girl in her twenties. It's not a certain "type" of person that this happens to.

People hear "incest" and picture redneck types in remote areas with 16 kids and webbed feet. Maybe it makes them feel better. We distance people and put them in boxes when we're scared of the unknown. We don't want to accept that this could happen to anybody. So when you hear my story, when you read my words, please look past your prejudices long enough to see me as more than just the label of "incest". I've shamed myself enough. A little empathy goes a long way. Feel the pain of a girl suffering from an all-consuming love she never asked for and has no control over. Understand that this could happen to anyone, and be grateful it isn't happening to you. FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you? Or is this a different kind of relationship than that?

If I could marry him, I would in a heartbeat. The tragedy is that we would actually be perfect for each other and have a really happy life together. We want the same things from life and we get along great. At the same time as having our similarities, we have differences that balance each other out and I really think we would bring balance and peace to each other’s lives. We radiate happiness when we’re together, and not a day goes by where it doesn’t break my heart that we can’t have a normal life together. 


FME: What advice do you have for someone who might find themselves with these attractions?

I'm still figuring it out myself, so this is a difficult question. I would just say to go easy on yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong by falling in love, it isn’t your fault and it isn’t something you can control. I would say, whilst being careful and remaining anonymous, reach out to people on the Internet. The support I’ve found in forums has got me through this whole thing, and I really don’t think I would have coped without it. 


FME: What advice do you have for someone who thinks someone they know is going through something like this? Listen to them. Take their feelings seriously. And don't judge them. This isn't their fault and they're still the same person you’ve always known. If they came to you with this, then they trust you with their life. Don’t throw that back in their face. They’re most likely suffering enough and you hold their life in your hands. They’ve given you the power to destroy them but trusted you not to. Don’t take that for granted. FME: Anything else to add?
I think I've poured my heart out here and don't have much else I can say on the topic, except just to remember what we preach on a daily basis that “love is love”. GSA love is no different. 

[Editor's note: Many months after conducting the interview with Anonymous Niece, she had more to say.]

It's been a year and a half since me and my uncle met. I still love him so deeply, despite my best efforts, despite going back to my family, despite even cutting him off for a period of time. There’s been times when the feverish nature of GSA has lessened the less we’ve had contact or when life’s been busy enough to stop me thinking of him, but even then I still miss him. I can’t take the pining for him any longer. He still feels the same about me. I found that out and now it’s all I can think about. I just can't live with this anymore. It's killing me because my partner and I have been getting along so well for once and I do love him. I love my family and I don’t want to split us up. But I’m in love with my uncle and this grip of GSA isn't letting go. It’s only getting stronger. I need to be with him but I’m terrified of hurting my family. We have committed no crimes by falling in love with each other. We never asked for these feelings. If that isn’t something that people can understand and respect and show compassion towards then they aren’t the type of people I want in my life anyway. I know this is the first step I have to take. If we aren’t going to be together I need to access therapy and I can’t do that without telling people about my feelings, and if we are going to be together then I need to openly admit how I feel. It's crazy, isn't it? It's like nothing I've ever felt. It sits deep in your stomach. I just need him. I can’t explain it but it just gets stronger the further along it gets. Something inside me just needs him and I can’t fight it anymore. *****
It is important to note that while the Westermarck Effect (the cause of which we're not sure) is common, it doesn't occur between all people raised together or by one another, at least not towards everyone with whom they were raised. It's just that is doesn't really exist between close relatives who weren't raised together. In an ideal world, Anonymous Niece would have been able to talk with her partner early on about what was happening to her without any fear of it being a criminal matter or being shamed, and with more therapists or counselors able to help. Ethical nonmonogamy isn't for everyone, but there are some people for whom it would satisfyingly resolve the biggest problems being faced by this woman.
Morality aside, one of the problems with cheating is that being discovered by your partner(s) can be disastrous, and when your relationship is still criminalized where you are, an angry, scorned partner might involve law enforcement. If you want to live out a polyamorous life, this might help.

One thing this interview makes clear is that just because someone appears to be (or actually is) in a happy "regular" relationship, doesn't mean they don't have sex with a close relative. It is happening everywhere. It is happening somewhere not too far from where you are right now.

In general, there's no good reason to criminalize or discriminate against consanguinamorous relationships, and removing unjust laws and stigmas will reduce cheating. We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a consanguineous and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.
If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.

Thank you to Anonymous Niece for doing this interview! We hope that your consanguinamorous
intergenerational relationship doesn't end up hurting your partner or son, who are innocent bystanders, and we hope you find peace, having been thrown into this situation through no fault of your own. We wish things were different so that there was no cheating involved and everyone who wants to be together could be so without hiding, but that's not where we are yet and that's not how things were done, but we can still learn from what has happened.