Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Interesting Search of the Day

Someone found this blog in the past day by searching...
confessions of woman who had incest when they were young and still do it now they are married
We noted so many times the how the term "incest" is way too vague. There could be several different things going on here.

It appears the person meant "women" (plural) instead of woman. The person could be referring to sisters or female cousins or even close-in-age aunts & nieces who, as minors, experimented with each other, found they liked to be together, and have kept getting together.

It could also be about heterosexual interactions, but only from the perspective of the women involved.

"Young" can still mean an adult, so it could be women who were adults who were involved with significantly older relatives, such as a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle.

"Had" gives  the connotation of consensual interaction, but if this person is really talking about a significantly older adult with a minor, that is a different matter from the other possibilities, because then the search is about someone who was groomed and conditioned and is still interacting with the person or persons who had been their abusers.

Now let's get to the other part of this...They still do it now that they are married.

This blog enthusiastically supports ethical nonmonogamy, and as such, we recognize someone can be married to person A and also have sex with persons B, C, and D, without it being a problem, as long as that is within the boundaries negotiated with person A. Those boundaries can be as simple as "Don't ask, don't tell. Anything you want to do, goes," but that is rare. It also takes a very secure person to agree to be in a relationship with someone who has an ongoing consanguinamorous relationship, because the bonds of consanguinamory are often very strong. We congratulate anyone who has such security and is supportive of their spouse and metamour.

It is possible that the searcher was thinking of women who are "cheating" by continuing a longtime consanguinamorous relationship behind the back of a partner who doesn't know and would likely not accept it. Unfortunately, this does happen, largely because of the ridiculous stigma and even criminalization that still threaten consanguinamorous people. We hear from people involved in such situations, whether they are the previously unwitting beards, or the consanguinamorous spouse, or the family member who is the affair partner.

A spouse who has been an unwitting beard has every right to be upset.

But then what?

It is understandable that their trust in the spouse is shattered, and if someone needs a monogamous partner or needs to be the emotional and sexual "primary" (or is unassuagedly disgusted) , then this is going to be the end of the relationship, because it is not likely the cheating spouse will quit their partner-in-consanguinamory, and even if they did, they're going to be at family functions. In many places, the upset person can alert the authorities and have their spouse and their family member(s) prosecuted, and even where it is not a criminal matter, exposing the relationship can destroy their lives as they're not protected from other forms of discrimination. Such revenge would be mighty tempting for some people.

However, it might be good for the person who has been the beard to step back and think through the situation rationally. Had they thought their marriage was good until they found out about this? The person they fell in love with was someone who had this secret part of their life, and that secret part of their life helped make them who they are. Also, the person their spouse was cheating with was not some random stranger. It is entirely possible, even likely, that the spouse would never cheat with anyone else. They could be a generally trustworthy person who felt strongly compelled to hide that part of their life because of the unjust laws and other forms of persecution (especially if they confessed rather than being caught). And, if everyone agrees, it is likely that the relationship can and will remain a secret; in other words, it isn't like the person who had been cheated on will have to endure wagging tongues gossiping all over town. If someone is able to get past the shock and  sense of betrayal, they could go on to have a worthwhile relationship.

If the marriage isn't salvageable, it would be best to resist the temptation to get public revenge, and instead keep the consanguinamorous affair a private matter. If there are children being raised  between the soon-to-be-ex-spouses, if the cheater loses their job and especially if they go to prison, they're not really going to have the ability to pay child support and spousal support and visitation/shared custody is going to be more difficult. Bigots will harass the children.

If you're someone in a consanguinamorous relationship who also has another partner or spouse who knows and accepts it, remember how fortunate you are and be sure to let that partner or spouse know how much you appreciate their acceptance, given how much prejudice there still is.

If you've made an unwitting beard of out of someone, while it is understandable why you did given the desperation that unjust persecution creates, it isn't fair to them and you're at risk for the situation melting down, and if you live somewhere that consanguineous sex is still illegal, they might send you to prison.

If you're considering making someone an unwitting beard, you should avoid going through with that. Perhaps you can find a willing beard? Or perhaps you can be honest with this person? If not, in more and more places, being "single" is becoming more acceptable, so the "need" for a beard is decreasing.

These can be very difficult situations for all involved. Many of the problems will be eliminated or reduced when there is full marriage equality and all adults have their rights to their relationships with any and all consenting adults, when we have a more honest and affirming culture when it comes to sexuality and relationships. There are people right now, in every adult demographic, who are married and also carrying on a consanguineous relationship with someone other than their spouse. Sometimes their spouses know and are supportive, sometimes not.


How Consanguineous Lovers  Can Avoid Trouble

Has Your Partner Experienced Consanguinamory?

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