We Get Letters About Secret Attractions

Anonymous emailed at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com with this message, which she said could be published here...

I found your blog online when I was googling about incestual experiences and wanted to share something that I have not been able to share with anyone yet.

I am now 35 years old woman, and I have a boyfriend that I love and respect and we have regular and decent sexual life.

The problem is that I have been attracted to my brother who is 4 years younger than me since I was probably 13. At that time I did not know in fact what it was, because my parents never talked to us about sexual relations or attractions or anything like that. So I was just feeling very strange mix of attraction/hatred to my brother. This has continued until now.

Still now, thinking of my brother helps me climax quicker than anything else.

My brother does not have any idea about this and I am never ever going to tell or make him feel about it. The thing is that I don't even like my brother as a person so much, or that type of guy would never be the partner of my choice. But I have not been able to do anything with this attraction.

I also have not talked about this with my boyfriend and I don't intend to. He is great, I love him and I intend to be with him, perhaps forever.

I still cannot get rid of the feeling of shame and embarrassment, but when I think about it, it really was very unintended. I never wanted it and I have never harmed anyone because of it. Only, maybe I have not been very nice to my brother always - just because I cannot be around him for long.

Also, I have not seen a therapist and I guess that would be a good thing to do. Perhaps, I will do it some day.

As I wrote back, there really is no reason to have shame or embarrassment over such thoughts. Many people have secret fantasies or attractions they never tell about, or, at least, never tell their partner(s) or the person to whom they're attracted.

She should make every effort to treat her brother kindly.

She wrote back asking how common it is to have an attraction to a sibling.

I don't think anyone knows for sure how common it is to be attracted to siblings. Studies in the 1970s showed that college students were willing to admit in anonymous surveys that 10-15% of them had engaged in (consensual, to be redundant) sexual contact with a sibling. My guess is that the percentages are higher now. Also, more experience such contact as they get older and have more opportunities.

HOWEVER, sexual contact is not the same thing as attraction. Someone could have been very aroused or curious and even though they weren't particularly attracted to their sibling, got together with them. On the other hand, how many people have had an attraction to a sibling but have never acted on it or even revealed it? Based on everything I know, I'd say that at least a significant minority of people with one or more siblings of a gender to which they're attracted have been attracted to a sibling. That would include people like Anonymous, with ongoing strong attraction, to people with more temporary attractions.

Studies show MOST people are attracted to people who look like them. Siblings usually look at least somewhat like you, or your parents. The Westermarck Effect describes the suppression of that attraction, Whether that effect is rooted in biology or early childhood socialization or a combination of both, it is clear that not everyone raised together experiences it, or at least they don't experience it strongly enough to overcome attraction. What we've seen with Genetic Sexual Attraction is that when there is no or negligible contact between genetic siblings from about age 7 through puberty, there's about a 50% chance that at least one of them will feel an extremely powerful attraction upon being reunited or introduced. This can happen with adoptions, split custody, half-sibling situations (whether through a traveling father, or sperm/egg/embryo donation), and other situations.

Even in non-GSA situations, some people have been surprised to notice their own attraction to a sibling. Prejudices, especially laws, against consanguinamory make it difficult for people to discuss even an attraction they haven't acted upon, and that's a real shame.

Although things can always change, Anonymous currently doesn't think she'd ever act on her attraction to her brother, and with her being happy with her boyfriend, she probably can't be considered to be consanguinamorous by orientation, but I have some doubt because of how her ongoing thoughts arouse her.

Have you experienced such an attraction, whether you acted on it or not? Comment below (you can do so anonymous) or email fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com.