Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Reunited and Loving Each Other For Years

If my recollection is correct, this is the fortieth ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The people in interview below are adults, people you might live next to see every day, in a consensual relationship with each other. Yet they face discrimination and prejudice for their love, having to hide the truth. They aren't hurting anyone; why should they have to hide and be denied their rights?

Read the interview below and see for yourself what they have to say. You may think their relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, but either way, should they be denied equal access to marriage?


FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe your yourself.

Tony: I am a business owner with several offices.

Carla: I also am in the business with Tony.

FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation?

Tony: I have recently realized that I am bisexual and would describe my relational orientation as monogamist.

Carla: I am bisexual and my relational orientation is monogamist. Although, we do have intimate relations with other couple occasionally.

FME: You currently live with...?

Tony: Each other and Carla's son, my grandson.

FME: You are genetic father and daughter, in a sexual relationship? What are your ages?

Carla: Yes, we are genetic father and daughter. Tony is 54 and I am 37.

FME: Are you married?

Tony: We had a ceremony which was also attended by a close friend. It is called a handfasting.  Though not legal, it is meaningful to us.

FME: What kind of relationship, if any, did you have while she was growing up?

Tony: We were separated prior to her second birthday. We had no contact until she was 15 and then by phone only until she was sixteen.  I actually tracked her down because I was trying to help her sister whom I had heard was in a children's home. My mother had a Christmas card from her with the town where she lived. I started calling until I found her. We talked on the phone for a year, then, she came to live with me.

Carla: We didn't have a relationship until he contacted me when I was fifteen. My mother had told me that he was dead. You can imagine the surprise when I found out otherwise.  Once I had made contact with him again, my mother then changed her story to say that he was gay and that she had lied to protect me. When he came to pick me up to take me back to his state to live with him, we stopped at a hotel. I wanted to sleep in the same bed with him. I had sexual thoughts but I was confused about having these feelings.

Tony:  I felt the same things, fear, confusion, but still, these strong, un-parental feelings. They happened many more times and it was hell trying to suppress them.

FME: How did sexual affection become a part of your relationship?

Tony: We were, at that point, a bit older. When we would be alone together we would make sexual innuendos toward each other. Then one day, the hugs became kisses, then the kisses started to become passionate. I guess one could say it was gradual.  I never "knew" it was going to become sexual, but I knew my body and emotions wanted it to. I was appalled at these feelings and thoughts because, of course, society had taught me that it was wrong. I am not sure if I would say it was gradual or sudden.  I mean, we did gradually escalate, but when we first became intimate, it was sudden and unexpected.  I am sure, however, that it was spontaneous.

Carla: The first time was spontaneous for sure. I was scared, anxious, nervous and excited all at the same time. Like Tony, I was not sure how I was supposed to feel. On one hand, it was so wrong according to what I had been taught, on the other hand, the desire was so strong. We both agree that there was no "first move" it just happened.

FME: Before this had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together or Genetic Sexual Attraction? And prior feelings or experience with family?

Tony: I never thought it possible. I had no opinion personally, only what I was taught to believe. I have had no feelings like these toward any other family member ever.

Carla: I never thought about it before, until the day he picked me up. I wasn't sure how I was supposed deal with those feelings because I had never had them before. I had never had these feelings for any other family member before.

FME: How do you describe the lovemaking now? Taboo? Natural? Especially erotic? Kinky? Is it family-with-benefits, an affair, girlfriend-boyfriend, a marriage, what?

Carla: Great, fun, exciting, passionate. I feel like it is natural and erotic. I do not feel that it is kinky unless we make it kinky and, it is the best sex that I have ever had.  If we were allowed to be married, we would be.

Tony: Sex with Carla is mind blowing. There has never been anything comparable. It is as if we are meant to be together, as if there is nothing else in the universe except the two of us when we are engaged in making love to each other. I do not feel unnatural or taboo at all with her. Is it erotic? Hell yes it is, but because we complement each other so well, not because of a feeling of doing something forbidden. I feel as though we have a marital relationship, but, because of rules and laws, we cannot legalize it.

Carla: We keep things fresh and alive. We both initiate when we feel that we want to.

FME: Describe your relationship now. Do you see each other as family or lovers, or are those two roles inseparable at this point? Are you in a closed relationship with each other or are one/both of you seeing or seeking others?  Do you swing/swap/play?

Carla: We have been together now for seven years, we live together. We view each other as lovers and never even think of the family connection except when it becomes necessary. We are in a closed relationship, however, we, together as a couple, do play with others on occasion.

FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature of your relationship and how did they find out?

Tony: All of her siblings, my children, know about our relationship.  They found out because we told them, one at a time. All of them have said, well, if that is what makes you happy, then that is what is important. We do act as a couple most of the time in public.  We have two other couples and a single female friend that we have also told and we visit with them and/or go out together and we always act as a couple. They have accepted us and we are happy to have found friends like them.

FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other (and that you can’t truly consent)?

Tony: If it weren't for the possibilities of persecution for ourselves as well as those that support us, we would challenge anyone to observe our relationship and find one negative thing that is not present in any relationship. In fact, we have a loving home and rarely, very rarely, disagree. We take care of each other and trust each other.

Carla: To those who would say one is preying on the other: prove it. There is no power struggle. No one is forced to stay. We both have money, vehicles, keys, and freedom to leave if we wanted to. We stay because we love our life.

FME: Aside from the law in some places, which I think is ridiculous, can you think of anything that would make relationships like this inherently wrong?

Carla: If they are completely consensual in their relationship, as we are, then no, not one thing.

FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you?

Tony: Yes.

Carla: Yes

FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member?

Tony: Follow your heart, but go into it with your eyes open and know that there will be some challenges and discrimination from most of the rest of society. If your love is truly strong enough, you will make it. Communication is key.

FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other?

Tony: It is okay to tell them that you do not agree with what they are doing, however, emphasize that you love them and if they are happy, then you are happy for them.

FME: Have you met in-person or do you know anyone else who has experience with consanguinamory or consanguineous sex?

Tony: Not that we can prove. We have interacted with people on forums such as Kindred Spirits, but in person, not to our knowledge though we do have our suspicions.

FME: Any plans for the future?

Tony: We plan to be together as long as there is breath in both of our bodies. We really want to help others in our situation. We know the feelings and the difficulties and have come up with ways to deal with many of life's situations that we face because we cannot legally marry.


There you have it. Consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone and yet face discrimination and denial of their rights simply for loving each other. They have lasted together longer than many legal marriages, happy and in love, and yet they are denied their fundamental right to marry.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

Thank you to Tony and Carla for doing this interview! If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page.
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  1. Wait, so is the kid hers by another man, or is it both of theirs?

    1. Sorry I wasn't more clear about that. The child is hers by another man. The explanation for that was not central to the interview so it was cut out. If the child was his, too, I would have made a point of that.


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