Sunday, November 9, 2014

Brothers Marry Best Friends and It Goes Polyamorous

More than one Friend of Full Marriage Equality has called my attention to this, which I'd already seen and planned to talk about. So here it is. It is the most recent Dan Savage column. It is the last letter that is of most interest to this blog.
My brother and I married two incredible women.

Each? No. Just one each.
Our wives were good friends before we started dating them. My brother has always been my best friend, so the four of us spend a lot of time together.

So far, so good. Great, actually.
Recently, a couple of drinks turned into a bunch, and then my wife and sister-in-law started making out.

No problem there! (Unless, of course, they're sticking with strict monogamy, which they aren't.)
Then they f---ed. It was the hottest thing I've ever seen. We ended up pairing off with our respective partners and having sex in the same room. The next morning, the same thing happened again—wives f---ed each other, we watched, then we f---ed our wives in front of each other—and now my wife tells me that she and her friend would like to date each other. The group sessions would continue. (But no wife swapping: MW sex between husband and wife only!) Everyone seems onboard.
Then what's the problem? Or is this just a chance to bask in the enjoyment?

I knew my wife was bi before we married, and we've talked before about her having a girlfriend, so I'm fine with that part.
Communication is good.
I guess my question is: Is this a terrible idea?

No. Who better for her to be with? Those women likely have a history of making out with each other.
Is it creepy and/or incestuous to watch your brother f--- his wife?

No. If everyone involves is good with it, there's no problem.
Does this sound like a setup for the messiest breakup ever, or does something like this ever work out long-term? —Brothers Respectfully Aroused Humping Spouses
If there are problems in the marriage(s) that will end the marriage(s) that will happen with or without this. This sort of thing usually strengthens bonds. And yes, things like this can and do work out long term, Some don't last, but some do. Some that don't last end badly, some end amicably.

Savage answers... 
I would advise you all to get together for nonalcoholic beverages and for everyone to promise that you will be mature, reasonable, and forgiving adults if/when this—the wives dating, the semi-incestuous (but maritally binary) quad—comes to an end. Agreeing to an amicable breakup in advance of a breakup is no guarantee that things will end amicably, of course, but it improves the odds. 
Good advice.
And while I haven't heard of an arrangement like this working out over the long term, BRAHS, I've also never heard of an arrangement like this.

A lot of people simply keep quiet. Consider that that every couple having their own very private residence with their own private bedroom is not how things have been for most of human history in most places. People often saw/heard other people have sex; quite often their own family members.

There are people who have polymorous relationships of this sort. There are also siblings who date or are more or less married to the same person, and there are siblings who occasionally or regularly have threesomes with the same person, some making love to each other as well. How many men or women  attracted to women have the fantasy (or actual experience) of having a threesome with female twins or other sisters? How many men or women attracted to men have the same with brothers? It isn't an uncommon fantasy. How many people have been involved in swinging or play parties and a close relative is also there, whether they knew that was going to be the case or not? Siblings having sexual contact is more common that many people think. Siblings seeing each other having sex is, too.

The letter writer had no actual problem, just a concern about whether or not it would last or what other people think about it. Whether Dan Savage or anyone else likes it or not doesn't matter. What matters is what the people involved want.

If any of what was described sounds like your situation, know that I welcome you and I'm a friendly ear.
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