Many people now understand that one of the harms caused by discrimination against LGBT people has been some people hiding their sexual orientation to the point where they involve someone else who is unaware. Think of gay men who have married women who did not know that their husband was gay, and the pain that has inflicted on both of them and others.
To some extent, the same thing has happened with some people who are polyamorous and need polyamory. They may have committed to monogamy, may have a great partner our spouse and many be great in return, but they still seek, say, emotional relationships with others to the point where the other partner feels cheated on, or that they're the victim of an emotional affair.
Ideally, people would gain enough self-understanding about their own sexuality and relationship needs before entering into commitments, but in addition to the pervasive discrimination against LGBT people, there has been similar discrimination against polyamory and polyamorous people. Monogamy, or at least pretending at it, has been presented as the only acceptable relationship model in so much of the world, perhaps allowing for non-committal "hooking up" when not in a relationship. The problem is, very few people are, on a lifelong basis, monogamous both physically and emotionally. And with the pressure to conform to monogamy, some people enter into relationships with promises they can't keep, or come the realization that they are at least poly-curious when they are in what was agreed to be a monogamous relationship.
I got to thinking about all of this because of a letter written to Miss Lonelyhearts at winnipegfreepress.com that presented a common problem.
My new girlfriend wants me to try a polyamorous lifestyle. I admit I met her at the last fetish ball in town, but I had no idea she was that far along the track. I don't mind anything we do together as a couple, but I am not the least bit interested in other people. OMG! I am a pudgy nerd of a guy and it scares me (and would embarrass me) to get undressed to do anything sexual, except with my lady. But it is hard for me to find a girlfriend.
Thankyou for your blog. I found it very informative in shaping my thinking about the marriage debate.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by and commenting, Ross!
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