Ethical Nonmonogamy is Not Cheating

Cheating is breaking an existing agreement or vow and keeping/intending to keep that breech of the agreement a secret from the person or people with whom it was made rather than informing the other(s) that the agreement is over (which is "leaving").

Ethical nonmonogamy is not cheating. (ENM may also be known as “consensual nonmonogamy” or “disclosed nonmonogamy.”)

For example, Mark and Jenny are swingers. Their agreement is that they will only be with others when they are both present. Anything more than a hug or kiss on the cheek with someone else, or revealing genitals to someone else in a social context, when they are not together, is a no. They attend parties together and have sex with others there; that's not cheating. But while Jenny is out of town on business, Mark picks up a woman at a bar and she gives him oral sex. Under the agreement he has with Jenny, this is cheating. Other swingers have different rules.

Some people have open relationships/marriages and a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, meaning the partners can be with others and won't ask or tell each other about who or what or when, often with certain conditions such as using protection and having STI tests. If you're not communicating with a potential partner's other partner(s), you can't be sure that being with you wouldn't involve your potential new partner cheating. Ultimately, though, at some point you just have to trust what someone tells you because establishing an absolute negative is extremely difficult. How can you be sure they don't have an agreement with some other person out there that would be breached with whatever you're doing? You can't. You can only be sure that you're not cheating on someone.*

Ethical nonmonogamy can take many forms, from lifelong spousal triads and quads (polyamory) to couples swapping to swinging to open marriages to couples engaging in the occasional casual threesome to someone living alone but having casual hookups. Informed consent is the core of all of this. While ENM is not cheating, people who profess or attempt to maintain ENM might cheat, just like monogamists might cheat. If there is a closed triad and someone in the triad has a secret lover on the side contrary to the agreement with the two others in the triad, that's cheating. "Fluid bonding" is a term used in polyamorous circles. Someone might only have unprotected sex with one person, and protected sex with others. Going without protection would be a form of cheating.

One should never assume that someone who is married or at least coupled isn't available, although one can certainly decide they don't want to be with someone who is married or coupled. That's each person's decision to make. Just because someone is married or has a partner doesn't automatically mean they aren't available for romance or sexual affection or some other social activities (meals together, going to the theatre).

While one may decide that kissing someone else is cheating and a deal breaker for their relationship, not all cheating has the same implications and risks.

Open Letter to the Accomplished and Famous: Come Out Consanguinamorous

We know you're there. You're generally famous or at least famous in your industry, mostly because you're highly accomplished. And... you're consanguinamorous or have experience with consanguinamory. Some of you need to come out.

You're a performance artist, whether an actor or singer or musician or model.

Or you're someone who's held executive positions in the biggest companies.

Or you're an academic.
Or you're a top athlete.
Or a high ranking member of the military.
Or a journalist or author with national stature.
Or... you have some other place in life.


Whatever the case, you've "made it." You have the admiration and respect of a lot of people.

But what hardly anyone knows about you is that you are enjoying, or have enjoyed, a special relationship with a close relative, or you might even be exclusively or primarily attracted to close relatives. Maybe you have an unrequited attraction; the other person knows about it, but the two of you have not become "double bonded."

You need to seriously consider coming out.

Labor Day Weekend

In the US, the first Monday in September is the Labor Day holiday, making this weekend an extended holiday weekend.

Friends and family often go to the beach or get together.

Although most schools now start before Labor Day, it’s still considered the cultural “end of summer,” although the meteorological end of summer always falls about September 21.

In the northern hemisphere, warm temperatures, beachgoing or poolside socializing, and perhaps some alcohol make it a festive time. 

If you have any special plans or end up having any special experiences with family or friends, tell us about it below in the comments. You can stay anonymous. For some of you, this will be a chance to make a move to initiate something you’ve wanted to do.

Be safe and have fun!

On Consanguinamory and Privacy

This essay was submitted by a friend of Full Marriage Equality I'll call David. Yes, we do take submissions, with certain conditions. As always, Keith can be contacted at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

Privacy as a Pillar: Nurturing Consanguinamory's Authenticity

In a world where societal norms often dictate the boundaries of family dynamics, there exists a lifestyle that thrives on a unique form of openness and connection. Consanguinamory, with its emphasis on fostering bonds built on genuine love and understanding, challenges conventional perspectives on relationships. At the heart of this lifestyle lies a fundamental need that serves as its cornerstone: the need for privacy. In this article, we delve into the intimate world of consanguinamory and explore how the quest for privacy is an essential element in nurturing the authenticity of this remarkable way of life.

The Safeguard Against Misconceptions

Societal challenges and misconceptions can cast a long shadow over families embracing consanguinamory. The unfamiliarity of their lifestyle can create misunderstanding and judgments that undermine the family's authenticity. Here, privacy becomes the shield against the relentless barrage of external perceptions. By keeping their intimate interactions within the family walls, these families create a haven of acceptance and understanding. Privacy ensures that their choices are not colored by the lens of external judgments, allowing them to be their true selves without compromise.

Balancing the Personal and the Communal

Consanguinamory not only nurtures bonds but also promotes personal growth. However, balancing the individual's personal journey with the communal nature of the family requires finesse. Privacy becomes the fulcrum on which this balance rests. It allows family members to explore their personal development while providing a secure space for growth. The delicate equilibrium between private exploration and shared belonging is meticulously maintained through the practice of privacy.

Privacy: Fostering Authenticity Within the Home

Within the confines of their home, consanguinamorous families cultivate authenticity through privacy. It is here that they find the freedom to express themselves without the weight of external expectations. Every action is an affirmation of their shared values and beliefs. The family's unique bond is nurtured in an environment where privacy flourishes, allowing them to celebrate their connection without inhibition.

Preserving the Intimate Legacy

Consanguinamory is not just a lifestyle; it's a legacy in the making. As parents guide their children towards adulthood and responsibilities, the passing on of values and a sense of belonging becomes crucial. Here, privacy plays a pivotal role in ensuring that this legacy remains intact. By shielding their intimate practices from external scrutiny, families ensure that the emotional and spiritual bonds forged within their homes are preserved for generations to come.

Conclusion: Upholding Consanguinamory's Privacy

In a world that often misunderstands or misrepresents consanguinamory, the need for privacy shines as a guiding light. It's the means by which families protect their authenticity, nurture their unique bonds, and defy societal misconceptions. Privacy is not a barrier; it's a bridge that connects the individual's growth with the communal strength of the family unit. As we continue to explore and understand the intricate dynamics of consanguinamory, it's clear that privacy is the cornerstone that upholds its authenticity, fostering a space where genuine connections and profound love can flourish undisturbed.

Signs of Genetic Sexual Attraction

Are you wondering that the signs or "symptoms" of Genetic Sexual Attraction or Genetic Attraction would look or feel like? Searches of that sort bring some people here. Maybe you're thinking you are experiencing GSA, or someone you know is experiencing GSA, either for you or for someone else.

Remember that GSA is a normal, natural, and common reaction to the circumstances.

GSA is a very strong, perhaps overwhelming or overpowering, attraction that can happen when one meets or reunites with a close genetic relative after having no or minimal contact since about age seven or before whether or not they know of their relation. Examples can include half-siblings who don't meet until their teens, 20s, 30s, middle age, or golden years. It can be a daughter who only has seen her father for a few minutes at a time since she was six years old and she's now 19. It can be a mother who gave up her son or daughter for adoption at birth and that child finds her at age 25. It can be a man whose brother donated sperm, and a resulting child, now an adult, has met him. There are seemingly countless other examples.

"Can I Marry My Own Son?"

Asked and answered on Quora:

Yes, you can marry your son. IF either of the following are true…

1) You’re not listed on his birth certificate and your location uses birth certificates to determine eligibility for marriage, and you’re not his legally adoptive mother or father.

2) You don’t care about having your marriage registered with the government.

Unfortunately, full marriage equality doesn’t yet exist in laws. So, if you were able to the do the first option, it would only “work” so long as your true genetic relation wasn’t known to authorities. In many places, including 48 US states, you couldn’t even do option 2 (a private ceremony without a state marriage license) without risking criminal prosecution. Countless people have done this anyway, and few have been outed and prosecuted.

I advocate full marriage equality, including your freedom to marry.

"If You Have Sex With An Adopted Or Illegitimate Sibling..."

There was a question I answered a while back on Quora. The question was "If you have sex with an adopted or illegitimate sibling, is that incest?"

Since an "adopted sibling" could mean, among other things, 1) a biological sibling who was adopted by other parents; 2) a non-biological sibling adopted by your parents, I addressed both of those situations in my answer.

There are three definitions for consensual incest: 1) biological, 2) social/cultural, and 3) legal.

Someone who is adopted into your family is, in most places, legally and socially considered your family, and so while it wouldn't be incest biologically, it would be considered as such socially and legally where there are anti-consanguinamory laws and those laws include adopted relations, as laws vary from place to place. These laws are so ridiculous they would apply even if the sibling was adopted into your family as you were both middle-aged adults. In fact, you could marry someone and your parents could adopt that person and make your marriage incestuous. That's how stupid those laws are.

But the laws get even more ridiculous, where they exist. Let's say by "adopted sibling" you mean your sibling that your parents had before you, gave up for adoption, and never told you about. You meet that person completely unaware you had an older sibling, fall in love, marry, even have healthy kids together. (This has happened, by the way.) Then it is discovered they are your genetic/biological sibling. Even though they weren't legally or socially your sibling, they were biologically, and now those stupid laws criminalize your marriage and love. You're actually expected, by the law, to stop having sex with each other.

"Illegitimacy" is a concept that has largely been abolished as far as the law is concerned, at least is the US, where I live. It is also considered an offensive term by many. It means someone was born outside of a legally recognized marriage. In the past, it meant the child might not have a claim to their father's estate, for example. As far as anti-consanguinamory laws go, if your "illegitimate" sibling is your biological sibling, it would still be considered incest in all three ways.

An adult SHOULD be free to have sex with any and all consenting adults. Laws against that are unjust. What someone else wants to call it shouldn't matter.

If people are siblings by birth...

If people are siblings by adoption...

If they are stepsiblings because their parents married...

If they are genetic siblings but raised apart...

If they aren't related by law or genetics but grew up together...

...and they mutually consent to sex with each other, that shouldn't be something to be negatively labeled, shamed, discriminated against, or criminalized.

Siblings have been having sex for as long as there have been siblings, anywhere there have been siblings, regardless of class. There are siblings doing it right now, not far from wherever you are. Some have done it for recreation, some have done it to learn, some have done it for passion, some have done it for love, some have have it because they are living as spouses, some have done it for other reasons. It is their right and they shouldn't have to hide. There is no good reason to deny them their rights.

You Did the Taboo - Now What?

So you've had sex* with your close relative or family member, whether a cousin, brother, sister, mom, dad, son, daughter, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, grandparent, or grandchild. Or maybe more than one of those. "What have I done?" you might have asked, or "Now what?" This can be so whether these are your blood relatives, adoptive relatives, or step relations.

There may or may not be feelings of elation, confusion, awkwardness, guilt, shame, and... a strong desire to do it again.

It is important for you to know...

1) You're not alone. I guarantee you know someone else who has had similar experiences. Most people keep quiet about them, but you'd be surprised who in your life has had consanguineous sexual encounters. Some of these situations might be like yours.

My Quotes Are Found in the Darndest Places

There's a video on YouTube in which I am quoted about consanguinamory.

The title of the video is "Why Incest Should be Legalized!"

The relevant segment starts about ten minutes in.

My quote shows up just before 22 minutes along, presented to a live audience.

As you'll see, this isn't advocacy. Rather, it's more like a prank or an exercise.

However, since YouTube allows comments, it would be great if you could add some appropriate, relevant comments and encourage others to as well. Thank you!

In case the video isn't visible or playable below, here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMRNbsobE5M

How to Be An Ally To Consanguinamorous People You Know

This is about how to be an ally to someone you personally know who is in, or may be in, a consanguinamorous relationship, or any consensual relationship that is called incestuous. If you want to help consanguinamorous people in general, see this page.

The Short Answer:

A) Respect their boundaries. Do not out them or share their secrets, and do not press them for anything they don't want to share. ASSURE THEM YOU WON'T BETRAY THEM.

B) Be willing to listen.

C) Cover for them as necessary.

The Long Answer

Coping With Being Outed as Consanguinamorous

If you are consanguinamorous or have experience with consanguinamory, hopefully, you'll never be outed against your will. It's a cruel thing to out someone unless they're hypocritically using their power to persecute other consanguinamorous people. 

Fortunately, most people in consanguinamorous relationships are never outed to anyone hostile, at least not anyone with any power over them. Still, it happens to a few people.

In some places, consanguinamory is still criminalized. There are not yet any protections against discrimination (such as in employment or housing), and some people have an irrational hatred against consanguinamorists, to the point of being violent and even murderous against consangs.

So being outed against your will can be a very big deal.

It's best not to be outed against your consent in the first place, so see here and here and here, and discuss with your consanguinamory partner(s) what you'd do if you were outed. In some situations, you might want to Press the Red Button.

One of the significant problems with ignorance around consanguinamory is the false "guilt by association" in which loving relationships are equated with assault and child abuse. It is so irrational that if, for example, two middle-aged siblings are together, some bigots will accuse of them of abusing children. It is senseless, but it happens.


The bottom line in some cases, you might need to:

Deny/remain silent.

Remove your online/social media presence (other than burner accounts) or set everything to private. Don't allow tagging, location info, and block as much as needed.

Change your name.

Relocate to where people don't know you; let as few people know where you've gone as possible.


Let's consider what might happen.

A New Life With True Love

We have another exclusive interview to bring you. 

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face persecution and prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The man interviewed below should be free to legally and publicly marry his lover, or simply be with her without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults; why should they have been denied their rights? In much of the world, they could be criminally prosecuted for loving each other this way, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what he has to say about the love they share. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label? 

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY:  Describe yourself.

Vishal: We were born in India. My name is Vishal, I'm a 26 year-old man, and my sister’s name is Samaira, she's a 25 year-old woman.

We both are in IT industry in Germany. We chose it because it is a high paying industry. Our high salaries enables us to live a comfortable life here. Right now we are able to save little over half of our salaries, which we invest, because we pool our resources. If everything goes well, then I can get a promotion soon, so our future looks good in Germany.

There is a whole tale behind how we ended up being in IT industry in Germany. We grew up in a well-off family in India. We have also an older brother there. We have a shared hobby of playing tennis. But I also like to go to CrossFit and she likes to play video games. We also like to read non-Fiction books. But due to time constraints nowadays we can only read one book in four to five months.