When A Spouse Is Approached By Their Adult Child

Someone on a question-and-answer service raised the question of what he should do because he is faced with his independent, adult daughter making it clear she wants a sexual relationship with him, him having reciprocal feelings, and him also being married to his daughter's mother.

Let's take a look at this below.

Some of this is applicable regardless of genders, and whether or not his wife is the mother of the daughter or a stepmother. I'll be focusing on the original situation, however.

His feelings are natural and so are hers. It had to take a lot of courage on her part to say something. She’s been feeling this way for a long time.

Attractions are complicated. Her attraction might be influenced by her possibly having a consanguinamorous orientation. Part of her attraction might be because he is married to her mother. Or, it could be that she'd be attracted to him even if he was a complete stranger and not in any realationship at all..

There's nothing wrong with dads and daughters having a great time together, or a romance, but it has to be within the right circumstances. In many places, there are still ridiculous "incest" laws against sex between consenting adults. In the US, for example, there are only two states in which it isn't illegal for an adult to get with their parent. Most dads and daughters who have sex are never outed to law enforcement, but when they are, do you know what one of the main reasons is? His wife/her mother found out. If his wife would be angry about this, he could easily go to prison, lose his marriage and everything else, be in the news, and when he did get out of prison, he’d probably have to register as a sex offender. His daughter might face all or some of the same fallout.

But there ARE possibilities. Others are doing this.

A man in his position should know his wife well. How adventurous is she? How open-minded is she?

Might it be possible that, if he talks with her about what their daughter is doing, his wife could possibly get on board with it? Or what if he tells his daughter to talk with her mother about it?

If a man in his position is absolutely certain his wife would never agree, then he basically has three options:

1) Don’t do it.

2) Divorce his wife and then do it (although, there’s a chance his daughter would lose interest if he divorced his wife).

3) Cheat (meaning, violate the rules of the relationship) and try not to get busted. If he and his wife are close, and especially if the wife and daughter are close, the wife will probably figure something is going on.

If he has any doubt how his wife would feel about this, then either he or his daughter should talk with her to, in a roundabout way at first, try to get an idea.

They could do that by talking about sexual and romantic relationships in general, then moving the conversation into ethical or disclosed non-monogamy. For example, open marriages or polyamory between people who already know and love each other. If his wife is negative about that, he already knows she’d never go for what he and his daughter want. But if the wife is open to that idea, he can bring up “other alternative relationships” like between cousins. Again, if she thinks that’s OK, then he or his daughter can bring up the topic of siblings being together, and then adults being with a parent. If the wife thinks that can be OK (or even hot), then she might be OK with dad and daughter getting together.

It’s a long shot, but it has happened many times before.

Other ways of easing into the subject with the wife/mother is asking her if she's ever been attracted to someone she wasn't "supposed to be" attracted to, or wasn't "supposed" to be with. Maybe she's had thoughts, however fleeting, about her son/daughter, nephew/niece, brother/sister, father/mother, or aunt/uncle?

Has the wife ever been attracted to women? Has the daughter? The wife/mother might be agreeable if she's in on it, and that can be part of the discussions. When one partner seeks permission to be involved with someone else (or, as it can be, agreement to change the relationship's rules), it should be expected that the other partner will ask for something, too, which may or may not having anything to do with sex or other people. Or, they might not. But it shouldn't be a surprise if they do.



A word for those who are in the position of this man's wife: Is there a good reason you wouldn't agree to what your husband and your daughter want, if they discussed it with you ahead of time? They are both people you know and love, and they know and love each other. Your daughter will be with someone who cares for her more than anyone else except for you, and this does not preclude her from having other relationships she wants.

This will be an entirely private matter; nobody else will know.

Independent of other relationships, there's no good reason they shouldn't be together how they mutually agree. But your husband is in a relationship with you. You two might have previously agreed to only have sex with each other, but is there a good reason to refuse to modify that when you're presented with this possibility?

He's not abusing her or coercing her. She has pursued him. He's not setting up to leave you. On the contrary, this creates and additional bond with you and within the family. He should still be as attentive to your needs as he's always been, if not more. Indeed, this should mean that if there is anything you think has been lacking, you can ask for that to be remedied. 

If it basically comes down to someone else told you it should bother you, or you feel jealous and you don't know why, that isn't rational. You are certainly entitled to your feelings. But do question if what you decide is sensible. If it comes down to someone else having told you that it's "sick," it's not sick; what could be sick about affection between consenting adults?

So, consider what it is you want and what conditions you need or want, and talk it over. Communication in these matters is very important.

You can contact Keith to discuss this further and privately. You can also comment below, including anonymously.