Saturday, September 19, 2015

Adopting Love

There are scores of ongoing relationships I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The woman interviewed below is is a reasonable and kind woman, living life with her love, and is a skilled professional. She should be free to decide for herself whether or not to legally marry the person she loves. Yet she faces discrimination and prejudice for loving the adult she does. They aren't hurting anyone; why should they have to hide their love and be denied their rights?

Read the interview below and see for yourself what she has to say. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it incredibly sweet, but whatever your reaction, should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?

You can get more information about her from this interview about her sons.


FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: You currently live with...?

Anonymous Mother: I live with my brother right now

FME: You are with someone considered your brother? Was he officially adopted? Or were you adopted? Please explain.

AM: He was officially adopted by my family when he was two. He was one of two children adopted by my family, the other one was of my sisters. I was not adopted.

FME: Are you married or have you ever been legally and/or ceremonially married? If you had a ceremony with your brother, can you describe how that was or who was there?

We did have a family-only event where we just told the place we are a couple that wanted to renew our vows. It was a small event with only the two of us and my three kids.

FME: How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation?

I am straight monogamist as is my brother.

FME: What kind of relationship did you have with him while you were growing up?

I was only eight months older than him, so growing up we attended the same grade.  Growing up we did stand up for each other at times, but mostly we had a normal relationship; arguing, teasing.

FME: What was family life like? What was your childhood like?

My parents were emotionally distant for my young childhood, but not abusive or neglectful. I did have a good childhood overall, and all my siblings were great. Having so many kids in the house, I did have to share a room a sister. But we never lacked the money to buy nicer clothes or things.

FME: How did sexual affection become a part of your relationship?

I prefer not to answer how it started. But it was gradual. By the time he was in college, we knew we wanted to be with each other. Once he graduated college, I moved in with him and we started our physical relationship and raising my sons.

FME: Before that happened, had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together?

Well unlike most people I never had an inherit lack of sexual attraction to some of my brothers, and I did have fantasies about a few of them. I even liked catching them changing clothes, and talking them into skinny-dipping in the family pool.

I did kiss one of my other brothers once. This back in eighth grade for me and he just got his first car. We did not do anything more than a quick kiss. I would have liked to do more, but he did not want to. I also remember asking my sister which one of our brothers she thought was the cutest, and that's when I started to realize that most people have the Westermarck Effect.

FME: How do you describe the lovemaking now? It is natural, taboo, what?

When we make love, I don’t think of it as taboo. It just feels right to me and him. I do think of him as my husband.

FME: Describe your relationship now. How long have you been together? Do you see each other as family or lovers, or are those two roles inseparable at this point?

We have been together for almost 20 years now.  We both think of each other as lovers first and siblings second.

FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true history of your relationship and how did they find out? How have they reacted?

Besides my children, one of my brothers knows about it, but other than him no one else in our family knows about it. My oldest brother knows and did not take it well and thought I must have molested my foster brother, or that this was just a sign that we both needed therapy. After a while, he did calm down and he has kept it a secret for us.

FME: Are you able to act like a couple in public... does anyone know you as a couple but not as family?

When we go on vacations we just say we are a married couple, and so far everyone buys it. It’s rather easy since he does not look that much like me and our children, but close enough that we pass. I think that we have a great relationship with each other after all, how many people can stay married for 20 years?  My twin sons have also been together for a long time as well. Also, since we grew up together it means we knew so much about each other before we even became a couple. I just wish I could be open to the whole world. We do plan to retire somewhere that no one knows us so we can be a couple.

FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other (and that you can’t truly consent)?

We are adults and we love each other.  Neither of us are sick and we were not abused by our parents or by each other. I personally really hate the argument that one of must be abusing the other and I have gotten that argument from one of my own brothers.

FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member?

It is natural for some people to have these feelings. You are not sick or messed up. But just because you have these feelings that does not mean you can act on them. Any relationship still needs to follow the basic rules.


There you have it. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone and yet face discrimination and denial of their rights simply for loving each other.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason.We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this
If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page.

If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.

Thank you to Anonymous Mother for doing this interview! We wish you well in your relationship.
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  1. My sister and I have been together for 40 years and have 2 sons and one daughter together and they are normal.. they also know ..we have been intimate with each other when it seems needed , not so much for the sexual pleasure but for the emotional connection..they were not pushed , forced or coerced into this it was left to them when they felt ready....

    1. Anonymous, thanks for sharing that. If you haven't done so already, please write me privately at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com


      And of course, you are always welcome to comment on the blog.

      Congrats on your love.


To prevent spam, comments will have to be approved, so your comment may not appear for several hours. Feedback is welcome, including disagreement. I only delete/reject/mark as spam: spam, vulgar or hateful attacks, repeated spouting of bigotry from the same person that does not add to the discussion, and the like. I will not reject comments based on disagreement, but if you don't think consenting adults should be free to love each other, then I do not consent to have you repeatedly spout hate on my blog without adding anything to the discourse.

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