Tuesday, September 22, 2015

You May Be a Unicorn If...

Chloe Monroe wrote this article of interest, “First Time For Everything: Dating A Couple.” She changed the names of the participants to protect the polyamorous. She started by dating a man who was in a four-year relationship with a woman. After dating Greg, she met his girlfriend Jen.

I felt like a nervous 14-year-old boy trying to figure out how to introduce himself to a girl at a school dance. Luckily, she gave me a quick handshake and from there, we clicked famously. The three of us spent the rest of the night talking and joking, and I lost track of time.

The next day, Jen and I spoke in private.

“Greg and I are not a boxed set,” she surprised me by saying. “I find you very attractive, but I want you to make the decision to be with us or just with him.”

That is something very important to keep in mind about polyamory. That two people are seeing the same person does not mean those two people will have a relationship. They may never see or hear about each other (other than the general agreement of polyamory). Or they could be friends, or could be roommates, or they could be lovers independently of the other person, or they could agree to only go on dates with all three people present. One size does not fit all. Your mileage may vary.

She ended up dating Greg and Jen together.

I felt very happy and slowly it dawned on me.

This felt so normal. So right. So … not deviant at all.

I suppose the feeling of familiarity and normalcy that washed over me that night would have seemed strange to an outsider. I know that it seemed so to me at the time. How could something as radical as dating a couple be such a non-issue? Honestly, it felt very similar to the beginning of many of my heterosexual, monogamous relationships.

She describes a certain wonderful night and, then, it turns out, the end of the relationship was normal, too.

To put it bluntly, my experience dating a couple was remarkably ordinary! I have no regrets about exploring polyamory. I loved the feeling of being with two people who cared about me and knew that I cared about them. In the end, it came down to incompatibility and circumstances, just like every other failed relationship. The fact that we were a triple had nothing to do with it.

It is apparent to me that some people need monogamy within their relationships. It is also apparent to me that some people need some form of nonmonogamy, whether that is polyfidelity in an ongoing polyamorous relationship, something completely casual, or something else. There are also people who enjoy nonmonogamy, even if they don’t need it. Whatever the case it is for any given person, it should be up to that person. Relationships should be formed and conducted per what the participants can offer and what they need, not on what anyone outside the relationship thinks.
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