BDSM and Poly

Conversio Virium is "Columbia’s BDSM, or kinky sex, education group." Devin Briski at The Eye had an extensive article about the group and BDSM, including about coming out. I’m not much into BDSM, but what drew my attention was that the article touches upon polyamory.

This sexual division of labor (if you will), along with an already non-normative outlook on sex and love, adds to a community where polyamory and multiple sexual partnerships is the norm.

Elle elaborates: “The way the dynamic in kink works in my experience is kind of like trying to make all the cogs on the gear and interlock it at once. You can’t do it—you’re going to get three or four at once, and that’s great, but you’re going to have all these unfulfilled desires, and the other person is going to have all these unfulfilled desires. If you can have four of these things that you love to do satisfied in your relationship with one person, and 3 in another, and another 4 in another, you’re ultimately probably feeling a lot more sexually and emotionally satisfied and fulfilled. Whereas if you’re sitting there going ‘God, just spank me already! Why don’t you want to spank me?’ all the time, you’re probably getting really angry.”

So polyamory and other ethical forms of nonmonogamy may help some of these people meet their needs

While non-exclusivity is widely practiced, it is by no means a rule. Devon says that until about a year and a half ago, he was a “serial monogamist,” and Elle describes her own complicated status: “I’m fundamentally monogamous but I’m dating, like, five people and they’re all polyamorous,” And though the complexity of polyamorous webs can facilitate more sexual and emotional satisfaction, it also brings new complications. Elle clarifies her status: “I’m dating one of them very seriously; it’s just that he has other girlfriends, so I thought ‘Well, if you can have other girlfriends, I want other girlfriends and boyfriends.’ If I were offered the opportunity to make this relationship monogamous, I would in a heartbeat.

So Elle isn’t strongly poly. Some people are strongly poly, some are strongly monogamous, and others fall somewhere between. It is up to them; they should always have that legal right.