A Mother and Sister Who is an Ally

Every once in a while, we are able to interview a family member or friend who is an ally to consanguineous lovers. We are always eager to do so. In this case, we previously interviewed a niece and uncle about their love. Below is an interview with the niece's mother, who is the uncle's sister.

Consider what she says, and what they said, and, that there is no good reason to deny these lovers their rights. There is no good reason to discriminate against them. There is no good reason to criminalize their love.

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FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Anonymous: I live in the Bay Area of Northern California. I have one brother and a sister. I have one child: a daughter in her thirties. I’m self employed and I have been for decades. 

FME: Your full blood brother is in a relationship with your biological daughter, whom you raised. Is that correct?

Yes, that’s correct. 

FME: Tell us about your relationship with your brother.

I was very close with my brother growing up. We hung out like best friends. Wherever he was, I was there too. We rode our bicycles every day, all over town. When he got into mischief, I was there with him. I was the follower but I didn’t demure from his antics. If anything, I was his cheerleader and cohort when he would debate whether he should play a prank on a neighborhood boy. He did the talking as I watched him convince the boy that what he had in mind, this time, was a great idea. We weren’t close with our tattletale sisters. Our close relationship was what got us both through our dysfunctional and abusive childhood. Were it not for my brother, my childhood would have been far more devastating than it was.

As adults, we have remained very close with only a couple speed bumps along the way. He is always who I turn to for advice. He’s very levelheaded and we are always there for each other. 

FME: How was your daughter when you were raising her? How was she before she got together with your brother? 

We were very close until she turned 17. I was a single mom from the time she was an infant. As with most teens, it’s normal for them to start pulling away from their parents. Our rough patch lasted well over a decade. She struggles with depression and sometimes those closest to a person struggling, are often singled out and are on the receiving end of anger; which is really entrenched in sadness that leads to depression.

FME: How did you found out that your brother and your daughter were in a romantic, sexual relationship with each other?

They were on vacation together and she sent a text that said they had been together for a few months but she hadn’t told me because she didn’t know how I would feel. It was still somewhat vague and it could have been anything from being supportive of each other to something more. A little more started coming out in our conversations and by then, there was no doubt that they were in a romantic relationship.

FME: What was your reaction?

Honestly, I was shocked. It’s a lot to take in. My daughter was in the middle of a divorce and my brother was, too. I thought perhaps they were just really vulnerable, as both of them had absent, loveless marriages. I thought it was a brief stage for them and once they were emotionally healed from divorce, they would both go back to seeing other, non-related people. Since I only have one child, I could either accept it and not judge their decision or I could be judgmental and hateful and alienate my two favorite people in the world. I didn’t want to lose either of them so I chose to be the same sister and mom that I’ve always been. 

FME: What do you observe about their relationship?

I know they love and adore each other and they are happier together than either has been in prior relationships.

Surprisingly, my daughter is rarely depressed, and when she is, it’s fleeting for a day or so. He has helped her so much in that regard. She’s been off depression medication since shortly after they got together. 

My relationship with her has a hundred percent improved. I’m ecstatic and I credit his love, patience, emotional support and compassion for helping to change her life. She now has a positive outlook on life in general. I also have not seen my brother this happy in a relationship. He went from a seventeen-year marriage where his wife was emotionally abusive, an alcoholic, a workaholic and just mean and manipulative to a relationship that is equal, loving and supportive. 

FME: Does their being together hurt you or anyone else in any way?

Not at all, but the fallout is there with family. One of my nephews has disowned my brother. His kids, both teens, aren’t allowed to have a relationship with their grandpa. He had a very strong relationship with both his kids and he was very involved in his grandkids’ lives. It has been devastating for him. 

FME: Before this had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together? Do you, or have you had feelings like this for any close family members whether they are genetic relatives or not?

I hadn’t given it any thought. I have not had feelings of attraction to any family member.

FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of their relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is your brother preying on your daughter, and that she can’t truly consent?

I would say that they are consenting adults that have finally found happiness and it’s nobody’s business. My brother didn’t prey on my daughter. She actually made the first move. They were not children with one of them being more than double the other’s age. 

FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member? What is your advice to people who are involved with a close relative about coming out to family? 

If they are both consenting adults, they should follow their heart. Imagine if you love a relative and it’s mutual but you are constrained by someone else’s morals and expectations, that nothing is ever acted on and you die, we all die, and you didn’t follow your heart and instead lived by what is expected of you versus being with someone you love. That may be a lonely life, and it’s your life to live.

I don’t have advice for people considering coming out to family members. It could be devastating as in my brother’s relationship with his kids and grandkids. On the other hand, you might find someone like me who loves my brother and daughter and only wants happiness for them both. If you want to test the waters, find a family member who you completely trust and one who is not judgmental. Family members who disown family for something that has nothing to do with them, might be family you can do without. 

FME: Have you had to take steps to protect them?

We live in a different state. I don’t see the family members who have disowned my brother and daughter and we don’t speak on the phone.


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Thanks to Anonymous for doing this interview, and for being an ally! So many people should learn from your example and support lovers.

Why should her daughter and brother be denied their rights? There’s no good reason. We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life, around the world, who are in consanguinamorous relationships or are allies.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, or that of someone you know, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or see here.

If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.