When the Boy Next Door Is Closer Than You Know

Jamliah Lemieux has an advice column, "Care and Feeding," at slate.com that deals with parenting advice. This edition has a letter of interest to this blog. 

"Incest Under Duress" wrote...

Our daughter (17F) sat us down last night and explained that she was in love with the (16M) neighbor next door. Instead of being delighted, as we’ve known the boy since birth and they’ve been friends almost as long, my husband threw a fit and forbade her from seeing him ever again. An argument ensued and our daughter accused my husband of being racist (we’re Filipino and the neighbors are Black.)

But of course that wasn't it.

Right after our daughter was born, my husband and I almost split up; I went through a really hard time between the hormones and the lack of sleep, and when I kicked him out of the house temporarily, he took refuge in other women. I knew this already, but I had no idea he’d slept with the young single mom next door and fathered the boy who would become our daughter’s best friend and, eventually, boyfriend. Our daughter’s new boyfriend is her half-brother.

This happens more than people think. Sometimes it happens through cheating, sometimes from prior relationships or flings. But there are half-siblings in some towns who are unaware they are half-siblings. Sometimes they are drawn to each other.

Now, we have to explain this ridiculous situation to both kids, which will stir up a lot of feelings for them, and the boy, who has been a big, positive, part of all our lives for years, will find out not only who his absentee father is, but that he’s been next door and parenting his other family for years without acknowledgment.

It's not a pretty picture, to be sure. 

My husband thinks that we should never tell the kids and that I’m making problems where there doesn’t need to be any, but I’m sick thinking about him having a child and ignoring him because he isn’t as “legitimate” as ours, as well as his mother struggling to be a single mom when the father lives right next door. I also think the kids deserve to know, and they’ll need all three of us to parent them through the heartbreak of this revelation. My husband disagrees, and the other mother of his child doesn’t want to make trouble and says she doesn’t need anything from us. 

Legally, that boy is likely entitled to some money.

He says he did it for me and our kids, but I can’t wrap my head around him abandoning his child like this, and how he thinks he can just forbid the kids from seeing each other without dealing with anything.

Her husband probably did it because it was easier for her husband. For him, it was easier for her and the boy not to know. I don't see how the secret can be kept now. 

The husband is expecting that he can put his foot down and the daughter will stop seeing the boy. But how likely is that? They're neighbors!

All the adults probably think that if the lovers know, they'll be horrified that they have felt this way, and have done whatever they've done together, and will stop.

But... they might not. They already have grown up almost together, yet have fallen in love anyway, and there are many siblings who are fully aware that they are siblings and have grown up around each other who fall in love.

These two might continue to want to be together. That is something for which the parents should be prepared. 

The bigger issue will be the deception and neglect. The youngsters might be very angry with the husband.

If I was advising this woman...

I would see if the other mother will agree to jointly sit the kids down and explain the situation. If she will, invite the husband to participate. But either way, the kids need to know.

DO NOT forbid the lovers from seeing each other.

DO explain to them about prejudices and laws against half-siblings being together. Some places, including most US states, still have unconstitutional laws against half-siblings having sex.

DO offer support for them, whatever they decide. If they want to be together, PROTECT them from prejudice, and ensure they have access to contraception and know how to use it. This might include keeping the secret from being spread further. Nobody else knows that they are half-siblings, so if they'd like, they can enjoy life around town like any other couple. Many consanguineous lovers wish they could do that.

See here and here for more that you can do.

Anyone involved in the situation might want to see this.