Fifteen Years Along and Still Fantasizing

Our friend Louisa Leontiades answered a letter at louisaleontiades.com that is of interest to this blog.

Dear Louloria,

I was reading your post last week on jealousy mimicking childhood patterns, and it really resonated with me – especially since I’m also an adoptee! I wanted your opinion on the correlation and confusion between nurturing and sexuality from a 41 yr old man who never received maternal nurturing growing up.

Once I met met my biological mother at 26, I began to fantasize about both from her. How can I learn to nurture myself and seek out and receive nurturing from platonic relationships without getting caught in the torturous and guilt ridden fantasy of turning it sexual? Thanks,

Mr. Having Confusion About Intimacy 

Here's our shortest answer: Why feel guilty about the fantasies? They've been going on for fifteen years. What harm have they done?

There are several things going on here. We'll stick to the possible Genetic Sexual Attraction.

Let's see what the actual answer was when it related to the issues of this blog.

Surely this is exclusive to adoptees! Well no. Any situation where a child grows up with few genetic mirrors may encounter what is commonly known as genetic sexual attraction (GSA) if they meet relatives as adults (it has many more effects which I can’t cover in a paragraph).

It can also happen to someone who is raised with genetic family and later meets or is reunited with a close genetic relative.

Note that although it is called Genetic Sexual Attraction, I believe (in company with Joe Soll, adoption therapist) that it is simply ‘genetic attraction’ – a hunger to connect with those who look like you, which is more likely to turn ‘sexual’ when we–like you–confuse the need for nurture with the need for sexual intimacy. Once more, there is absolutely no need for guilt. In fact guilt will prove counterproductive in helping you deal with this.

We're in agreement there.

I recommend you explore your feelings in GSA support groups and in forums of which there are many around the web. Don’t repress your feelings as they will never get dealt with that way, find a safe space to express them.

It might be good to try Kindred Spirits.

So much for the myth that the feelings will go away.

There's nothing problematic about having fantasies, unless those fantasies keep you from functioning. Acting on those fantasies might not be a problem, either. Everyone needs to figure that out for themselves.