People come to this blog because they are having feelings or experiences that are often met with prejudice elsewhere, or they know someone who is having such feelings or experiences. If you're not sure your partner(s) would accept your feelings or fantasies, the information below might help. Maybe you can show this to them and see if they'll agree to discussions.
Clinical psychologist David J. Ley, Ph.D. wrote something very helpful at psychologytoday.com titled "3 Ways to Meet Your Partner’s Sexual Ideals and Why You Should"...
Viewing your partner’s sexual ideals and needs as important and valuable protects and enhances your relationship. Even if you can’t meet your partners’ sexual ideals, sexual communion mitigates the degree to which that mismatch negatively impacts your relationship.
Ley goes on to describe how to start to use this. Although Ley is writing about partners, this also might be helpful for people who are not yet partners, such as if there is someone who is in your life as a family member or friend but you want to add a sexual bond to your relationship.
Nonjudgmental Listening. The best, first, and most important way that partners can express sexual communion with each other is by communicating about their sexual likes and dislikes, in a manner that involves respect and acceptance. Acknowledging and valuing your partners’ sexual preferences is a critical and meaningful way to let them feel valued and accepted as a person, within your relationship. Have a conversation (actually, it’s best to have lots of little conversations as opposed to just one big one) with your partner about their sexual needs and experiences. Try to make them feel like you are interested and curious about their sexuality. Believe it or not, this is as valuable in long-term relationships with decades of history as it is in fresher relationships. Most people never tell anyone, even their life partners, about their sexual fantasies and interests, for fear of rejection and judgment.
Emphasis mine. Listening is so important. Getting your partner(s) to open up and share with you is the way to grow and deepen the relationship.
Unconditional Acceptance. Try your best to suspend your own judgment and reactions about your partner’s sexual ideals. Tell them that you're not going to reject, judge, or shame them, for their sexual desires. I know this is difficult. It’s so easy to feel judged and rejected, when we hear that our partner has sexual needs and interests that don’t completely match us. It feels very personal. But it’s not. Not really. Our sexual interests, ideals, and fantasies are not truly things that we choose or select. Why does this one thing turn us on? No one really knows. It involves a complex interaction of our psychology, the biology of our brain, and genetics, as well as our social and personal history. Accepting your partners’ sexual needs doesn’t mean you have to fulfill them, doesn’t mean that they will have to try to meet them. It merely means that you accept and love your partner, including those sexual needs as a part of them as a person. That acceptance protects your relationship, even if the sexual need cannot be met. But leaving your partner feeling unaccepted as a person, with that unmet sexual need, guarantees they will feel dissatisfied both in sex and relationship.
It's important not to dismiss the needs, desires, and fantasies your partner(s) even if it is something you haven't tried or even considered before.
Negotiation. When we talk with our partner about their sexual interests, coming from a place of sexual communion (and they do likewise with us) we can find places of overlap, and places where we can accommodate and sacrifice to let our partner know that we value and prioritize their sexual needs. We can find places where we can push our own limits (but not be pushed by them) and explore ways we can compromise and even sacrifice, to meet our partners’ needs. This doesn’t mean engaging in behaviors which violate our core values, or leave us feeling traumatized. But can we explore the shades of grey, between the strong yes and no? For instance, even if we feel like we couldn’t engage in a certain sexual act in real life, can we engage in role-play or fantasy with our partner, about that act? Finding ways to explore those middle grounds lets our partner know and actually experience our acceptance and motivation to value them and their sexuality.
So many people feel forced into a tiny sliver of sexuality. But they're not alone in the desires and needs they have, but might have suppressed it due to bigotry. Whether it is a kink they want to explore, or a form of nonmonogamy, or being with someone of a different gender than their past lovers, or consanguinamory, even just a particular sex act, or any variation from what they've already experienced or shared, talking it over can help. People tend to feel embarrassed or even ashamed about their desires and curiosities, but they shouldn't. They and any (potential) partners they have should be able to be honest with themselves and each other. Once you start the discussions, things get easier to talk about as long as you're supportive of each other.
You are welcome to contact me if you want to communicate with someone who won't judge you. The best ways are through email - fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com - and on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality.
![Non-Monogamy Diagram [I:FV]](http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy2.5.1.gif){kind=link}
its great to discuss possibilities! most people don’t even do it! its not an attack on you.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very important topic. Because the happiness of any person (which is written in the constitutions of most countries and which is the essence of many philosophical systems) is fundamentally impossible without satisfying their sexual needs. And just as there are no two identical humans in the world from a genetic, anatomical, physiological and psychological point of view, so there are no identical humans in terms of their sexuality.
ReplyDeleteHowever, throughout the history of mankind, they have tried and are trying to "systematize" us, adjust us to artificial standards and force us to follow laws and rules that seem "right" from the point of view of those who govern us. It's so convenient! It is convenient to manage soldiers and prisoners, so many leaders turn communities of people and entire countries into armies and prisons. It is convenient to consider us the same and control us as a mass in our personal and private lives, and therefore behavioral stereotypes and values are imposed on us so that we "do not embarrass" others with our behavior and do not try to demonstrate patterns of disobedience.
Unfortunately, people also like to be a herd, it's calmer and safer that way. It is calmer and safer to be conformists than non-conformists, it is calmer not to demonstrate our uniqueness, to suppress our individuality in exchange for material benefits and peace of coexistence among our own kind in the family, in the community, in the work collective, among neighbors, in the state.
Therefore, always and everywhere, explicitly or implicitly, monogamy/monoamory, monosexuality, sex with members of the opposite gender and sexual intercourse only in a missionary position are required of us in the field of sexual life. And no fantasies or deviations! The social ideal is still based on sex only for the purpose of procreation, as recorded in the sacred books of world religions, in particular, in the Bible.
The vector of development of human society is liberation in the social, behavioral and spiritual spheres, and this presupposes the liberation of our sexuality. But the inertia of thinking, especially of those who control or want to control us, is still very strong. And, the saddest thing is that we ourselves still cannot feel free internally to satisfy our sexual needs, many of which seem "shameful."
Keith is very correct in pointing out that the only way to our liberation is through honest and open communication with partners on all topics that make up our humanity, especially in the realm of our sexuality.
It looks obvious and easy to implement, but in fact, for many it is a difficult obstacle to overcome or an obstacle that they will never overcome for various reasons.
There is no need to be afraid, we should at least try to change something and take the first step...
It may not work out, but it's worth it...
Keith's reflections on the need for open and honest communication between sexual partners about their sexual preferences apply, of course, also to communications between genetically close people in the case of consanguinamory. But that's not all.
ReplyDeleteIf we realized/saw/heard that our family members are developing or intend to develop a sexually romantic relationship with each other, then how will we behave towards them?
Won't we act by double standards? Can we sincerely support people close to us and help them overcome the prejudices of other family members and/or help them hide their love in a hostile environment? Or will we try to prevent them "for the sake of their own good" under the pretext that they should give up the "temptation" and look for partners in order to build legal relationships and create a family recognized by society?
This dilemma obviously concerns primarily parents who have learned about their children's sexual and romantic interest in each other, as well as to aunts/uncles who have noticed such interest between their nieces/nephews.
In this case, sincere and effective support for vulnerable children, adolescents, and young people is needed not only for moral (and sometimes material) support, but it can often prevent their mental collapse and even save their lives.
But are we ready for this? How to deal with such exceptional cases? What can I say? What do I do?
And if I find out that "something is going on" between my sister/brother and my father/mother, will I be able to admit to them that I know about them, will I be able to find the right words to let them know that I am their supporter, ally?
Everyone has to solve this difficult task by themselves, there are no ready-made recipes.
I only know one thing. As in the case of a doctor who treats illnesses and ailments, the main principle in relation to the our blood relatives should be the same: DO NO HARM!! We need to think for a long time, and only then begin to act, bearing in mind the true, and not apparent, well-being of those who depend on us. And we must be able to sacrifice ourselves and our selfish beliefs in the name of those who trust us.
Let's ask ourselves right now, what if???
I want to remind all of us of one more very important thing - the responsibility of partners to each other. This is especially true for those who have entered into or intend to enter into a relationship with a blood relative.
ReplyDeleteIn any couple of people who are in a relationship, one of the members of the couple is always like a "leader", the other is like a "follower", sometimes the roles change over time, and this happens regardless of our desire, whether we realize it or not. There's nothing wrong with that, it's natural.
But if two people are in consanguinamory love, then the differences in roles I mentioned can be very significant, given the age gap and roles in the family.
This is obvious for parent-child, uncle/aunt-niece/nephew couples. The age difference between cousins can also be quite large. Even if the couple are siblings, even if they are twins, one of them is more mature and wise, someone is the initiator.
In such cases, the role of the "senior" partner, who is more experienced, more mature and wiser then "junior", increases enormously. The "senior" partner, whether they want it or not, determines not only the development of the relationship, but also the well-being, mental and physical security of the "junior" one.
Selfishness, irresponsibility, and a thirst for quick sexual pleasures without considering the consequences for those who are not ready to cope with them (especially young women, teenagers, and preteens) leads to disasters and discredits the very idea of consanguinamory.
Examples of such disgusting behavior, most often in father-daughter, older brother-younger sister, uncles-nieces, older male cousin-younger female cousin pairs, are constantly found in the mass media, are exaggerated in movies, on television and on Internet blogs. Most often, this is not even malicious intent, but ordinary stupidity and inability / unwillingness to genuinely care about a partner. This would probably work in a traditional relationship, but not in a relationship between family members, which are always viewed by outsiders under a microscope with the strongest magnification!
The consequences of the irresponsible behavior of the "senior" partner are especially terrible if the relationship between two family members is based on betrayal or infidelity towards existing committed partners. There is nothing attractive or decent about having sex with a daughter/son behind their mother's (or stepmother's)/father's (or stepfather's) back. Consanguinamory between siblings married to others is debauchery and deception that has no justification.
Kink, debauchery and cuckoldry involving family members are not consanguinamory, these are perversions. With one exception: if all the parties involved have agreed to such a relationship voluntarily. But these are extremely rare cases, and they do not determine our struggle for the principles of Full Marriage Equality.
Let's do the right thing. When a sexually romantic attraction between us and one of our relatives appears, let's first think about this person, about their well-being and about the precautions that need to be taken in an environment that is always hostile to consanguinamory.