Monday, June 15, 2015

How Polyamorous People Can Find Dates

Various cultural elements lead people to believe that most, if not all people, are looking for monogamy, or that monogamy is ideal. Ours laws discriminate against people who aren't monogamists. This means that polyamorous people often have to "come out" as such.

At, there's a helpful piece by Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D about coming out to a potential "sweetie" as poly.

Many long-time polyamorists exclusively date other experienced polys, skirting the issue of coming out or explaining polyamory by avoiding relationships with monogamous people and those trying their first open relationship.
It should be noted that some polyamorous relationships are not open, but if a poly person is dating (or trying to) someone "new" it means a relationship is open at least enough for this person, if not all involved, to add a new sweetie. Some poly people are looking to add a sweetie who will only be with them, some are looking for a sweetie who will be with more than one of them, some are looking for other sweeties, too, and some want sweeties who will continue to be open to being with others outside of the polycule. There are many, many ways these things can go.
1. Date Polyamorous People
Fortunately, there is a grown presence of online communities for polyamorous people, and some dating services allow you to indicate you are polyamorous. This is one way of finding people who are already polyamorous or looking for a polyamorous partner.
2. Reconnaissance
If your social situation requires more discretion, you might want to move a little slower. The task of introducing the idea of polyamory to a current or potential sweetie can be intimidating. Find out about how the person feels about sexual diversity before bringing it up in a personal sense.
Paying attention to what people say and don't say, and how, when discussing certain topics can help one infer some important things about how someone is likely to react to someone coming out as poly to them.

There's much more at the link, so check it out your if you're at all interested.

Nobody, polyamorous or not, should assume a relationship is monogamous. Conditions like that are determined by explicit mutual consent. Nobody should agree to, or promise monogamy if it isn't a reasonable likelihood they are going to be monogamous.
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