When Your Spouse Experiences GSA

Advice columns, especially ones focusing on relationships, get far more letters about consanguinamory and Genetic Sexual Attraction than they'll ever print, but sometimes one makes it through. This one is in the column for Deidre Sanders, Agony Aunt and thesun.co.uk under the title of "SIDELINED I’m uncomfortable with how close my wife and her half-brother have become."

A HALF-brother she knew nothing about recently got in touch with my wife. 

Now they talk for five or six hours a day, saying they love each other, while I’m the bad guy. 

I am 44, my wife is 39 and this half-brother is 37.

He tells us how this happened...

Her dad had an affair and this guy is the result. 

My wife’s mum was furious and banned her husband from mentioning his son. 

He paid maintenance but never saw the boy and never told my wife.

And that's one of many ways this happens.

I understand how special it feels for her to have family again but they FaceTime for hours every day. 

They’re like lovers and I feel sidelined.

They probably are lovers, even if they haven't met in-person yet. It isn't just about her "having family again." They are probably experiencing a very strong attraction to each other.

At least Deidre was aware...

Meeting a sibling you never knew can trigger a genetic sexual attraction which can feel overwhelming.

Yes.

Tell your wife calmly you understand how exciting it is to have her half-brother in her life but your marriage is suffering. 

The feelings will run deep so you two best organise some couple’s counselling to negotiate a workable compromise.

This is a very unfortunate situation. Neither this man's wife nor her half-brother created this situation, nor did he. Couple's counseling isn't going to make her feelings ago away. It can't force her to stick to the rules of the relationship.

There is no easy way forward. Even in the "best case scenario" for the letter writer, his wife is going to have intense, distracting feelings for her newfound relative for a while. And that's the best case.

It's probably best for them to read up on GSA. I modestly and humbly recommend reading through the GSA tag here on this blog. The husband has to decide, and articulate, what his deal breakers are. They should discuss what they share together. How was the relationship before this new person came into her life? Do they have children together? A business? Assets?

How much does she really know about this new half-brother? Is he really someone she wants to be close to, intense attraction aside? Are they compatible as friends? Would they be compatible as lovers?

If the marriage wasn't good and they don't actually share much, and this half-brother seems to be someone she should keep in her life, husband and wife might want to call it quits. Or, if they want to stay together, can some agreement be reached as far as far as a polyamorous arrangement?

If they are able to maintain a happy monogamous relationship, it will only be through very hard work, and enormous amount of cooperation, and much understanding.

Contrary to what some people will say, there are successful GSA relationships.

Again, there's no easy way forward. But there are options.

GSA and Stepping Out

If Your Partner Is Experiencing Reunion GSA