Consanguinamory and Cheating

Cheating is breaking the rules of a relationship.

The rules of a relationship are determined by mutual agreement of the people in the relationship.

Cheating can happen whether relationships are supposedly monogamous, monogamish, polyamorous, swinging, or are some form of limited "open" relationship.

Cheating can also intersect with consanguinamory in two basic ways: 

1. Cheating on a non-consanguineous partner with a consanguineous (closely related) partner.

2. Cheating on a consanguineous partner.

In this entry, I want to address the first one: when someone is cheating on a "regular" (non-consang) partner with a close relative or family member.
 
This can happen either because someone who is involved in consanguinamory takes on a "regular" relationship under false pretenses or because someone in a regular relationship starts a consanguinamorous relationship. I've addressed the latter when it involves reunion GSA here. This entry below is mostly about "raised with/by" consanguinamory but can also apply to GSA.

I heartily endorse ethical, disclosed, or consensual nonmonogamy. I don't encourage cheating, and I recommend against making an unwitting beard out of someone by taking them on as an ignorant partner who thinks the relationship is monogamous, to try to hide the fact that you're consanguinamorous. (Here's what I wrote about honestly taking on a regular partner if you're consanguinamorous.) However, I do recognize that consanguinamorous people are under crushing pressure to stay closeted, and that many of the problems with cheating (with a neighbor, coworker, etc.) don't exist or are reduced when the affair partner is a close relative or family member.

Let's consider what those problems with cheating can be:

1) Your partner(s) lose trust in you (if they find out).

2) If you have the kind of relationship with your partner(s) that you talk about everything important to you, you now have changed that.

3) It can cause conflicts of interest and divided loyalties.

4) It might cause you to leave your partner(s), them to leave you, or the destabilizing thinking of that possibility. 

5) It might divert resources, such as time, energy, and money, that would normally go to your partner(s)/spouse(s)/children. This is especially so if a child results from the cheating.

6) It might involve the risk of STIs, especially if those get passed along to your partner(s), who might be unaware of their risk.

7) If the cheating is with a coworker, this can become a very big problem for the other people working there.

8) If the affair partner is destructive of violent, they could visit that upon your partners/family.

9) Nosey or observant people might pick up on the cheating and gossip about it around the neighborhood or office.

When the cheating is with a close relative or family member, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 are either non-existent or minimized. Family members are usually already spending time together and can get together regularly in private without raising suspicions.

That doesn't mean cheating is OK. But it helps to put things in perspective.

When someone falls in love with, or otherwise gets with someone they don't know is consanguinamorous, they were attracted to someone who has a consanguinamorous involvement; they were attracted to a consanguinamorous person, it's just that they didn't know they were consanguinamorous. But consanguinamory is part of what made that person who they are. Again, it doesn't make cheating OK, but it is true.

Things will be better overall when nonmonogamy and consanguinamory gain acceptance and are no longer subjected to bigotry. That will help people be who they are without having to stay closeted or keep their love secret. If you're concerned about where cheating intersects with consanguinamory, help eliminate the prejudices and stigmas that prevent so many people from living authentically and openly. Support relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality.