Another Couple Denied Their Freedom to Marry

It's always nice to hear from people helped by my blog. Some messages stick out more than others. A while back I got an email containing the following...



[Removed at the request of the interview subject. I apologize for any inconvenience.]

 
You can read interviews I have done with others here and read my advice to friends and family members here.

A Lily Pad is Needed

You may have seen recent reports of a building in Brooklyn identified as a place for polyamorous people. Having places were ethical nonmonogamy is supported in the middle of a larger culture where monogamy is the official party line is nothing new. See, for example, the Oneida Community. More recently, and ongoing, New Culture camps are welcoming and supportive. Whether retreats or persistent residential communities, whatever form of ethical nonmonogamy it is called (free love, polaymory, polygamy, plural marriage, group marriage, open relationships, swinging), it has always gone on, sometimes hidden for safety.

Having safe places for people who are targeted for discrimination is an ongoing tradition of compassion and self-preservation. African Americans had a printed directory of places that would offer welcoming accommodations during travels. LGBT people had gay bars, which were sometimes targeted for raids.

I have said, half jokingly, in discussions with Friends of Lily that what lovers in consanguinamorous relationships need are places called Lily Pads. Currently, people in these relationships can only be free if they relocate permanently. Otherwise, vacations far from home can provide the only time they can stroll hand in hand, smooch, dance, and share a romantic night out.

It is really a shame that there would have to be places set aside for consenting adults to love each other without others causing them trouble. Let's keep evolving into a more positive world!

Zimbabwe Sending Consenting Adults to Jail

From iharare.co.zw comes this report that two consenting adults have been sentenced to jail for having sex.

A Mbare brother and sister have been thrown behind bars for the next 12 months for having prohibited sexual intercourse-incest. 

The pair was caught red handed in the act by another family member before they were taken to the police.

They were ratted out by family. They shouldn't have to hide, but where bigotry still prevails, precautions are a good idea. 

 Tendai, 30 and Nyaradzai, 22, of Zengeni family were brought before Mbare Magistrates’s court answering to a charge of having sexual intercourse within a prohibited degree of relationship.

That shouldn't even be a crime. They should be free to be together and marry, if that is what they want.

All their hopes of getting an out of custody were shattered after the presiding officer Magistrate Anita Tshuma condemned their conduct. 

I wonder if everyone approves of every aspect of Tshuma's love life?

In passing sentence, the Magistrate described the pair as lovers in a serious relationship who had not repented after they were caught red handed in December last year. Their conduct has proved that they can not change thus they need a custodial sentence so that they are separated from each other.  although they came clean and pleaded guilty,the Magistrate slapped them with 24 months imprisonment, 12 months were then suspended conditional they do not commit the same offence in five years.

Outrageous.

The State proved that the two were having unprotected intercourse on several occasions before they were suspected of the affair by their brother Edward and their stepmother Chipo Mungeni.

Perhaps someone was jealous? Family members and friends should read this.

Further circumstances are that Edward and the mother confronted them, of which they denied the act.All hell broke loose when they were caught red handed caressing each other on May 17 at around 10pm.  

Oh, no, caressing each other! We can't have people actually being affectionate, can we? What a waste of law enforcement resources. Let them out and let them be! This is another example of why we need full marriage equality worldwide.

Extreme Victim Blaming in Nebraska

The people of the US state of Nebraska should be highly offended by the despicable actions of a few people in law enforcement. The incalculably valuable The Final Manifesto first alerted us on Tumblr about this case. While the news reports are headlined with an arrest over "incest," and it is absurd and unjust to prosecute people for consensual sex, the bigger news is that the victim of an attempted murder and domestic violence, who turned to law enforcement for protection, has instead found not only her consensual lover arrested for consensual sex, but herself as well! What kind of message does this send to victims of violence? "We're going to pry into your sex life and prosecute you!"?!?

Maunette Loeks reported at starherald.com in a story headlined "Scottsbluff man accused of incest"(probably written to evoke thoughts of some older man molesting a little child)...

A 19-year-old man is facing a felony incest charge after allegations came to light during a domestic violence call Monday. Scottsbluff police responded Monday at about 7 p.m. to a home on West 14th Street. A teen-aged girl at the residence reported that her mother had assaulted her the previous evening, using a coat hanger to strangle her.

So there are allegations of attempted murder, but they lead with the "incest" charge.

According to the arrest affidavit, the girl told police that the conflict began after the mother learned that she and a half-brother had begun to experiment with consensual sex. 

Here's where things get a slightly murky. Other reports have the girl's age as 16. Many US states have the age of consent as 16, and/or "Romeo and Juliet" laws that say someone the age of 19 is not committing a criminal act if they have consensual sex (with a nonrelative... perhaps a complete stranger) with a 16-year-old. Some sources I found say the age of consent in Nebraska is 16. Others say 17, with no exceptions for being close in age. If the 19-year-old violated the age of consent, how about sticking to a statutory rape charge, as long as that is standard in cases where they 16-year-old claims it was consensual?

The two had not grown up together and the girl had moved in with her mother about a year ago.

So this is likely a case of Genetic Sexual Attraction.

The girl ran away from home over the weekend, but was located in Cheyenne, Wyo., where she had been waiting for a bus to California. The girl told police her mother became aware that she was pregnant and they argued about it after she returned home. During the argument, the girl said, the mother told her sister to retrieve a coat hanger and strangled the girl from behind as she sat on a couch.

Premeditated.

The suspect later went to the police station and volunteered to provide a statement. He allegedly told police that he and the girl had started a relationship in January.

BIG MISTAKE!!! He should have heeded this advice.

He faces a sentence of one to 20 years imprisonment and a $25,000 fine, if convicted.

The mother of the girl has not been charged, police said, but the incident remains under investigation.

OUTRAGEOUS!!! Who is the danger to others?!?

Here is Ryan Murphy's report at kotanow.com, which gives the male's picture and name.

If Nebraska's age of the consent is 17 without exceptions, then an argument can be made that he should be charged with a crime for violating that. But law enforcement didn't do that. And they have actually gone on to prosecute the 16-year-old girl for "incest," the girl who was allegedly the victim of an attempted murder by her own mother! Well then who is the victim of the incest, according to law enforcement? This is so infuriating. All laws against consensual incest need to be removed. There is no good reason to have them.

UPDATE HERE.

See also:

Ten Myths About Sibling Consanguinamory

Nebraska Still Prosecuting Consenting Adults

And to media outlets, consensual sex is more noteworthy than the attempted murder of a pregnant woman. The attempted murder should be prosecuted. Does arresting and prosecuting a victim's CONSENSUAL lover, who was NOT the attempted murderer, encourage or discrouge other victims from seeking help? Duh. Read what I'm talking about here.

Technology Making Connections

The blogger as My Dissolute Life, a blog I follow, writes about discovering Tinder, which I know has been around for a while. Tinder sounds like it is great for anyone looking for a hookup or casual sex or perhaps "more," whether they are unattached or in an open relationship.

I have the sense that it was designed by addiction researchers. It’s nearly impossible to put down, it’s incredibly compelling, and it’s brilliant in that it’s constantly stimulating your (my) reward centers and never communicating rejection.

If you’re not familiar with it, this is how it works:

Somehow, it interacts with your Facebook account to generate a never-ending stream of women (or men). It allows you to select up to six photos from your FB account to present on the app, as well as a small number of words (a few more than 140 characters, it seems). And then, the fun begins.

With each photo, you decide if you want to “like” or “reject” the candidate. You can look closely – read the text, if there is any, look at all the photos. Or, you can just decide instantly, on the basis of the “cover” photo. You can either swipe – right to “like,” left to “reject,” or you can tap the “X” or the heart.

That’s it. You do that, over and over, and then, the matchmaking starts.

Women (if you’re me) see your picture(s), and they decide whether to accept or reject you (me). If there’s mutual acceptance, you both get a message, and, 99% of the time (of course), it’s on the boy to initiate contact.

What’s brilliant about this is the way they handle rejection.

Click through to read more.

Whenever I hear a mention of Tinder, I think about what used to be called "Bang With Friends," but is now known as Down. Before I'd ever heard of BWF, and perhaps before it was available, I remember thinking that there had to be some way technology could let people who know each other on some level but have a very good reason to be cautious about making a move see if there is a mutual interest in a "protected" way. Down is one answer to that. For example, when it comes to consanguineous relationships, someone could indicate, secretly, that they want their cousin, among other people. Nobody will ever know, not even the cousin, unless the cousin also uses the app and marks the person as someone they want. And it isn't like the cousin could then say, "Eww! No way! You're a terrible person for having sexual thoughts!!!" Because the cousin will have done the same thing.


If you have experiences with these apps or others, tell us about it. The comments are always open.

Dear Abby Gets Letter About Conflicted Love for Aunt

Advice columnist Dear Abby ran a letter from a nephew (I'm assuming the writer is male, since the columnist does) who is with his blood aunt. It is the third letter in today's column.

LOVESICK TEEN IN THE U.K. wrote...

I am under a lot of stress, but the woman I am with doesn't know it. I am 17, and I have been sleeping with my 38-year-old aunty. She's married and has three children. She's my mum's sister. We've slept together seven times and we can't stop doing it. I think I'm in love with her. 

It is important to note that the age of consent in the UK is 16. Unless his aunt was acting as his guardian, this is not an age of consent issue. It may not even be a cheating issue, as for all we know her arrangement with her spouse allows for this. Again, this blog does not support cheating but we can't assume this is cheating as the letter does not say he's worried about the spouse finding out.
Dear Abby's response included...

By having an adulterous and incestuous affair with you -- her nephew and a minor -- your aunt is behaving like a sexual predator.

Not necessarily. Does Dear Abby condemn all polyamory or open relationships? Does she condemn all relationships between 17-year-olds and 38-year-olds where the age of consent is 16? Does she condemn all consanguineous relationships? If she does, on what basis? We aren't told.

If he doesn't want to continue, he shouldn't, and if she is forcing herself on him, that is assault. There are, however, many other people in these situations who are happy, and should not be broadbrushed as being wrong or abused. I always like to get comments, but I would especially like to hear from anyone who has been with their aunt.

Did a Mob Murder Someone Over Consensual Sex in India?

At indiatimes.com I found this report from Ahmedabad...

A 40-year-old man was stabbed to death by a group of people, near Danilimda crossroads late on Friday night. Investigators said the perpetrators suspected the deceased of having had an incestuous affair with his niece. Police rounded up the accused.

"Affair" implies this was consensual sex between them, rather than an assault. As we'll see, this is not about an adult molesting a related child.

According to Danilimda police, Rekha Vasava, a resident of Khodiarnagar, registered a complaint against her husband Mukesh, brothers-in-law Ravi and Jagdish and with two others — Bhikha and Ramesh — for the killing of her uncle, Rupsingh Thakor, 40. All the accused are residents of Khodiarnagar. The incident took place in Khodiarnagar at 9.45pm on Friday when a group led by Mukesh confronted Thakor and stabbed him while the others beat him up.

"During questioning, the accused claimed they suspected Rekha had an affair with Thakor for some time," said a Danilimda police official.

Even though the headline said the murder was due to incest, it appears to me that, like so many other murders, it was done because of a cheating affair.

Isn't it curious how this story was reported?

This blog does support open relationships, polyamory, and ethical nonmonogamy in general. It does not support cheating. However, murder is not the answer to cheating.

Author Speaks Up in Defense of Consanguinamory

Good friend of Full Marriage Equality Diana Rinella was interviewed again about her novels and the fallout from publishing them. Kudos to Kelly Cozzone, Sex & Relationships Examiner for publishing this interview.

Courtesy of Diane Rinella

Considering the social taboo surrounding incest, it took a lot of courage for her to put this book out there. I must admit, I’ve read it and am reading the sequel now and I absolutely loved it. 

Diane writes the love story so complete and utterly fabulous that you end up rooting for Donovan and Lily to be together.

Yup!

Kelly: How do you deal with the controversy surrounding Love’s Forbidden Flower?

Diane: I come into every conversation like I am armed for battle. Most of the time people are just curious about the real life situations. They hear the statistic that 10-15% of all college age adults have had some kind of relationship with a sibling and are shocked at how high that number is.
The number increases as people age, their spouses die, and they find themselves in new living situations with a level of comfort that they never dreamed. In the case of GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) relatives meet later in life and sometimes don’t even know they share cells until they apply for a marriage certificate.

(This has happened pretty famously over the last few years in the UK and in China.) So if you meet someone, fall in love, plan to marry, and then find out that you were separated at birth or share a father than ran out on each of your mothers, should you be forced apart? People are, and I think it is horrible.

The interview is well worth a read. So are the books!

A Break For Tony Washington

UPDATE May 14 2014 Mr. Washington is back in the news because he's moved and had to comply with notification laws. How infuriating. He is no threat to anybody (except professionally as an athlete) and once again we're reminded about the injustice of laws criminalizing consensual consanguineous sex. Previous entry on this matter follows below.

Another Example of the Importance of Terminology

Today’s interesting search phrase reminds me why I used the terms “consanguinamory” and “consanguineous sex” when I talk about consensual incest, to distinguish what I’m talking about from abuse or assault.

Someone found my blog searching…

how to repair a marriage after incest

It makes a world of difference whether the “incest” involved is consensual sex or some form of abuse or assault.

Let’s start with abuse or assault. I can’t imagine encouraging someone to “repair a marriage” to someone who has molested or assaulted a close relative or family member; even more so if the victim of such a horrific crime is a child. Perhaps the situation is a little different than that, though. What if the spouse isn’t the perpetrator, but rather the spouse’s parent or sibling or other relative is? In such a case, I’d say the first step to repairing the marriage would require that spouse provide protection against the perpetrator, including by not allowing the perpetrator or anyone enabling the perpetrator around the victim or any other vulnerable person. If the spouse was the victim of the assault, they need a supportive partner more than ever, and there are therapists that can help.

The second category involves activity that was consensual sex between the individuals involved, but was cheating. For example, someone wants to know how to repair their relationship with their spouse after catching them cheating with a sibling. This blog isn’t about marriage counseling, so I’m not going to write much about this other than to say that consanguinamorous bonds can be nearly unbreakable in some cases. If it was apparently a one-time event while they were drunk or stoned, that’s one thing, but if it was an ongoing affair, that can be something else entirely.

The final category is when someone finds out that their spouse has been involved in consanguineous sex or consanguinamory and it wasn’t cheating, either because it happened prior to any vows or agreements or was under an open marriage agreement that did not require approval ahead of time. Again, consanguinamorous bonds can be especially strong, so it is understandable if someone is concerned about this having been a part of their spouse’s past or if someone who’d agreed to an open marriage ended up becoming uncomfortable that their spouse has become involved with a close relative, asked for that to end, and is now trying to figure out how to move forward. It might be easier if they understand that such relationships are common enough that they know others who have been involved, whether they know it or not, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with their spouse. There have been many people who’ve had such experiences who’ve gone on to have lasting, happy relationships with people who aren’t relatives, without significant, lingering problems.

Facing the Music

At dailytimes.com.ng, Lara Adejoro uses a recent media frenzy over musical performer Harrisong as the basis to write about whether parents should inform their children of past "mistakes." There had been a glut of news reports that Harrisong's biological parents were sibling, and then subsequent denials. However, Adejoro has either missed the denials or I've missed a denial of the denials!

People castigated him for disclosing his identity of being a product of incest. Incest is sexual activity between family members or close relatives. This typically includes sexual activity between people in a consanguineous relationship (blood relations), and sometimes those related by affinity, such as members of the same household, step relatives, those related by adoption or marriage, or members of the same clan or lineage.

His disclosure tells me one thing: He's getting it right as a man. It's a beginning of a new dawn for him. That has not made him less successful.

Later...

It's okay that you've made a mistake.

Sometimes it isn't a mistake.

Then the article veers into some important truth...

Your child might be in love with a family member without knowing.

Yes, that's called Genetic Sexual Attraction.

Adejoro then urges readers to prevent that by telling your children about other children that might be your genetic offspring. Whether or not that is a good idea, it won't necessarily prevent GSA.

Regardless of Harrisong's true parentage, we all know someone born to close relatives, whether we know it or not and whether they know it or not.

And your children are going to love who they're going to love. You'll have a much better life, and so will your children, if you accept that rather than fight it.

Researching Consanguinamory

The Final Manifesto has put together an extensive document of great help for anyone researching consensual incest. Here it is.

Casting Call for Cousins, Step-relatives, In-laws in the US

I was contacted by someone looking to cast a "docuseries" for "a major network." The series is being produced by Core Media Group ("American Idol," "Dancing with The Stars," etc.)

We absolutely understand that many may not want to share their love stories publicly, however we are hoping to find the few that are willing, that don't care about what society may think and would ultimately like to offer education and enlightenment on the topic. It'll probably be a couple days of shooting if they are selected and they will also be compensated. We are open to cousin marriages, 2nd cousins, step-siblings, in-laws, etc. 

As always, I point out that this could be a double-edged sword. Getting visibility for these relationships and letting people know they exist and are not a problem is important, but lovers need to be cautious do the very prejudices we're battling and even the laws in some places. Also, how you end up being portrayed is almost entirely up to the people putting the show together.

Here's the official call...

Now Casting!

Are You Romantically Involved With a Cousin, Relative or Step-relative?

Have you fallen hopelessly in love with a relative or step-relative? Are you sick of the negative preconceptions surrounding people who date their cousins and want to prove all of those judgmental people wrong?  Are you tired of your love being misunderstood?

A Major Television Production Company and very well-respected Major Cable Network are currently looking for dynamic women and men who are currently in a relationship with a cousin, relative or step-relative.

Using a documentary television format, the show will aim to break down the stereotypes and get to the heart of what it’s really like to be attached to someone who’s a relation.  If you’re dating, or are engaged/married to a cousin, we want to hear from you for this new documentary television project! 

Please be in the U.S & over 18. 

Submit to: iputyouontv@gmail.com

1.    Name
2.    Location
3.    Contact Info (Phone and Email)
4.    A recent photo of yourself
5.    A brief paragraph describing your current situation. 

Search Phrase of the Day

 I’m doing this frequently these days, but I just can’t pass up these opportunities. These search phrases indicate to me what people want to know.

Today’s phrase of note that brought someone to my blog is…

"talking to gp about consensual incest"

In this case, “gp” is probably “General Practitioner” or “General Physician” or maybe even “Gynecological Physician” (although those are usually referred to as OB/GYN.)

While it can be an especially intense experience emotionally and physically, from a purely mechanical sense consanguineous sex (or consensual incest or consanguinamory) is no different from any other sex. Since that is the case, there is no reason to tell a doctor that you are having consensual sex with a close relative or family member, only that you are sexually active.

If, however, you are pregnant or considering a pregnancy with a close relative, that can be a different matter. In general, anyone concerned about genetic diseases or disabilities should consult with medical and other scientific professionals who specialize in those matters. Since a close genetic relative carries more of the same genetic material you do, and since anyone who has lived in the same location as you has shares the same environment as you (including pollution, communicable diseases, etc.), any problem that can be passed on to children might be of more concern if it can be passed along by both parents instead of just one.

I’m not a medical professional nor an attorney. Laws about medical privacy and mandatory reporting of criminal activity to law enforcement vary from place to place, so really, this is an issue to bring up (perhaps as a “hypothetical” wink wink) with an attorney who specializes in criminal and/or medical law and is familiar with the laws and legal system in your jurisdiction. Perhaps there is a certain way you can broach the subject with a doctor that will keep you out of legal trouble?

Laws or not, doctors have their own temperaments, personalities, priorities, biases, prejudices, etc. If they’ve been in practice for years, they’ve seen it all and I guarantee you they have had other patients with active consanguinamorous sex lives, pregnancies conceived between close relatives, and that the doctor has often been aware of the reality of the situation. Some doctors may be reassuring and supportive, some may be hostile. Some will simply approach the matter as another professional task.

As always, I welcome comments from anyone with any experience in these topics, whether as patients, law enforcement, legal advisors, or medical professionals.

See: How Consanguineous Lovers Can Avoid Trouble

talking with a doctor about consensual incest, talking with a physician about consensual incest, asking a doctor about consensual incest, asking a physician about consensual incest, talking with an internist about consensual incest, asking an internist about consensual incest

Kentucky Still Prosecuting Consenting Adults

This absurd waste of resources and violation of civil rights was reported by Kenneth Hart at dailyindependent.com...

In an unrelated case, the grand jury indicted a South Shore man and his adult stepdaughter for allegedly engaging in an unlawful sexual relationship.

As we've seen before, the prejudice against consanguinamory has been extended to prosecute lovers who aren't genetic relatives.

Roger D. Howard, 44, and Clara P. Walters, 21, both of Little White Oak Road, both were charged with incest, a Class C felony that carries a five- to 10-year prison sentence.

And who is the victim???

The indictments, which resulted from a KSP investigation, allege Howard and Walters engaged in “sexual intercourse or deviate sexual intercourse” between April 1 and July 1 of 2012. Under Kentucky law, sex between a stepparent and stepchild is considered incest. The charge A, B or C felon, depending on the age of the victim, whether force was involved and whether the victim suffered serious injury. Howard and Walters were charged with the least-serious variety because both are consenting adults.

It shouldn't be a crime in the first place. What a waste of resources.

Found on the Website of a DNA Testing Business

We already know that consanguineous sex (consanguinamory or consensual incest) is more common than most people think; that it is common enough that everyone knows someone who has been involved, whether they know it or not. Not only is it common enough for that, but it is common enough that enough children are born from such relationships that a DNA testing business put this on their website...

Sister- Brother Incest and DNA Testing

Mark and Susan had an affair- they are full siblings. Susan got pregnant and had a child- Jane. The child, Jane, grows up to suspect that Mark, her uncle, might in reality be her biological father. What can she do?

Ideally, she could do a paternity DNA test. This would involve getting a DNA sample from Mark and seeing whether their DNA profiles are the same- if they are, it would confirm that Mark is not her uncle but her father.

Related: Ten Myths About Sibling Consanguinamory

Search Phrase of the Day

People find this blog through some interesting searches. Today I noticed that this was one of them...

Asking adult son to have sex with me

Wouldn't it be funny if that was the mother of the person who searched this? Much of what I wrote there applies here as well.

Here comes a very controversial statement, but I'm going to write it anyway because I try to give people practical advice...

In general, it is easier to seduce men than it is to seduce women.

Please notice I said in general. Broad generalizations do not apply to all individuals. There are many, many exceptions. People can argue nature vs. nurture all day (although notice that in other species, in male-female interaction males often have to do some sort of task before mating with a female). For our purposes, it doesn't matter why things are that way, just that they are. That is good news to the person doing the search.

There is, of course, the possibility that the son will have an aversion for different reasons, some valid, some not. A person's feelings and attractions and turn-offs and boundaries are their own, and they have to be respected.

Every situation  is a little different. As always, I can be contacted via private message on Facebook (I'm at /fullmarriageequality) or at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com for personalized discussion.

A Couple of Jewish Perspectives on Tradition and Consanguinamory

This blog has previously discussed a little about consanguineous sex and consanguinamory and the Bible.

At timesofisrael.com, Yoseif Bloch wrote, under the headline of "My Sister is Really Hot" about the use of "sister" in Song of Songs...

A few more hints in the text flesh out the picture. 1:6 states: “My mother’s sons were angry with me; they made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept!” So she has maternal brothers, but apparently no maternal sister, as in 6:9: “My dove, my perfect one, is the only one, unique to her mother, flawless to her that bore her.” She says of the male protagonist, “O that you were like a brother to me, who nursed at my mother’s breasts! If I met you outside, I would kiss you, and no one would despise me.” In other words, if they shared a mother and not just a father, their kisses would be innocent and familial; but since they do not, their interactions are erotic and romantic.

He contrasts that with passages in Leviticus, then writes...