We Get Letters of Appreciation

Here's a letter that came in via email from a young woman who found this blog on her own. I had already been in contact with her lover for a while. Both women, from what I can tell, have experienced  Genetic Sexual Attraction.

I would really just like to thank you for the wonderful support you offer with your blog. The past few weeks I've been scrolling through it as often as possible, reading story upon story, interview upon interview of people just like [name redacted] and I. I find it very comforting. The fact that she is my aunt doesn't frighten me anymore.

I don't think I ever admitted it to her, but being related somewhat made me scared for myself before. Experiencing GSA, I think, is both a blessing and a curse in some ways. The reality I choose to focus on is that I have my love, [name redacted], and that we share a bond that is so wonderfully strong that neither of us can fully explain it to anyone who truly knows about us. That is what matters the most in my heart. We've given up too much for one another in order for this to work to consider anything else to be a reason not to love one another and be together.

However, in the back of my mind I feel sad sometimes knowing that I have to lie to my father if I want him to love me. I know he would disown me/do everything in his power to make this miserable for me/try to get us into trouble with the law if I told him. My relationship with my father hasn't ever been super strong, but we're finally on speaking terms and he's making an effort to show me he loves me. In some ways, I feel like I am betraying his trust because I am lying to him so often. I'm afraid to even tell him I am gay. The fact that I am in love with my half-aunt has to stay secret for the rest of my life. I feel sad in my heart that we can't share the amazing truth of our love for each other with our friends for fear that they will judge us without ever truly understanding.

Other than [name redacted], there aren't a lot of people I can trust and talk to openly about my feelings. You may be just a faceless name on the Internet, but reading your blog has helped me feel like maybe someday [she] and I will be allowed to freely and openly love one another without limitation or fear of judgement. Someday there will be no reason for the fears in my heart, because there will be no reason to fear. I hope that day comes soon. Someday I hope [she] and I can openly tell the world the story of our love and how beautiful it was: how we met, how we fell in love--how I loved her without even knowing it, and how she loved me before I knew she did--the hard times, the good times, and the reason all of the trouble was worth it in the end.

No one will ever love me or understand me the way she does. The level of trust we have for one another is immeasurable--if we ever lose the romance in our relationship, we both trust we can remain supportive and friendly and close, because we are related. She is my aunt. I will always love her no matter what happens to us. I can talk to her about anything in the world and I know that she will listen and she will trust me to listen to her.

I'm incredibly glad she found your blog all those years ago and became comfortable enough with her attraction to me to be patient enough to wait for me to realize I loved her back. If it hadn't been for you, I'm not sure she and I would be in the wonderful place we are now. Thank you. 

People like her are the reason this blog exists. We don't ask for money, we don't accept advertising. This blog is a labor of love. We're here to help people. We're here to help people enjoy their love, we're here to help people understand that their friends and family and neighbors deserve their rights. I know some people who visit this blog and are helped never comment or write, and that's fine. But if you'd like to write us (be assured I won't violate your privacy or trust), you can do so at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com.

Traditional Marriage In Nepal

Watch more The Women videos on Frequency

Two Women Still Denied Their Right to Marry

If my recollection is correct, this is the 43rd ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The lovers interviewed below are clearly thoughtful, intelligent and deeply in love. They should be free to decide for themselves if they want to be together, with our without marriage. Yet they face discrimination and prejudice for their love, and must hide the truth from many people. They aren't hurting anyone; why should they have to hide their love and be denied their rights?


Read the interview below and see for yourself what they have to say. You may think their relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it incredibly sexy, but either way, should they be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?

And yes, they chose to use the names "Bean" and "Tortilla" to protect themselves.

As you'll see, Genetic Sexual Attraction can be extremely intense. BE WARNED that the discussion gets somewhat explicit.



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FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Bean: I am a female artist in my mid-20s, who grew up in the conservative west.

Tortilla: I was born in a conservative western state, and now live in a more liberal coastal state. I am ten years older than Bean. I actually went to law school, so it’s ironic to me to be a lawyer who is breaking the law with her relationship.

Updating Oregon's Unjust Prosecution of Consenting Adults

It's important to update readers on a Genetic Sexual Attraction case out of Oregon this blogged last covered a couple of months back. Here's a report from kmtr.com from January 9...

A 49-year-old man and his 25-year-old daughter face incest charges, accused of conceiving two children together.

Springfield Police arrested Eric Gates and Chelsea Moody.

Their kids, both under 2 years old, were taken into state custody.

"There's issues with the children and they've been put into foster care," said Sgt. Dave Lewis with Springfield Police. "It's not a good situation all around."

You what is a big issue with kids? When you take their parents away. Is there any evidence that these children wouldn't have had these problems with a different mother or with a different father? We're never given any statement clarifying. The insinuation is made anyway.

Then Chelsea Gorrow reported at registerguard.com on January 17...

Pronouncing Yourself Polyamorous

Elisabeth A. Sheff, Ph.D., has a couple of especially helpful editions of The Polymorists Next Door at psychologytoday.com about coming out as polyamorous.

From the first one…

Is it relevant, necessary, and safe to come out to this person or in this situation? It is ok for relationships to remain private, and disclosed only on a need-to-know basis.  If your status as a polyamorous person/someone in a polyamorous relationship is both relevant and important to the relationship, then it makes sense to come out. If it is only slightly relevant or (especially) dangerous, then it is best to keep quiet about such a potentially risky topic.

When it comes to extended family, neighbors, etc, it can sometimes be best to let people figure it out for themselves. Coming out in those cases is more like simply not hiding. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid with some people. They're willing not to give you are hard time as long as you don't bring the subject up with them.

Co-Workers: Less is more. Be certain that it is both relevant and safe to disclose intimate details of your life to this person.

The last thing a polyamorous person needs at the office is to be accused of sexual harassment for simply describing their relationship, or to be accused of being someone who is undisciplined or unable to commit, which are false charges hurled at poly people all of the time.

Click through to read about how to handle friends, family of origin, in-laws, and children.

GSA Sparks an Intense Love

If my recollection is correct, this is the 42nd ongoing relationship I've covered through exclusive interviews in which the lovers are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

The attractive lovers in the interview below are into their forties and more than competent at living their lives. They should be free to decide for themselves if they want to be together, with our without marriage. Yet they face discrimination and prejudice for their love, and must hide the truth. They aren't hurting anyone; why should they have to hide their love and be denied their rights?


Read the interview below and see for yourself what they have to say. You may think their relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, but either way, should they be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights?

As you'll see, Genetic Sexual Attraction can be extremely intense. BE WARNED that the discussion gets somewhat explicit.



*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: You are genetic half-siblings in a sexual relationship? Who is older and by how much?

Anonymous Female: Yes. He’s five years older. We’re in our early and mid-forties.

Don't Throw Others Under the Bus

I'm bumping this up, because it is as relevant as ever.

Hylke asked at Reddit.com…

I, like most of you, support gay marriage. But there is a problem I've had a while with the gay-marriage debate. Whenever an opponent says that this would allow cousins to marry, I just think: yeah, sure, why not? Two consenting adults. I'm all for that. The same with polygamous marriages for me.

Do you support the legalization of incestuous and polygamous marriages Reddit? If not, why?

Someone responded negatively…

Legalizing homosexual marriages does not require legalizing incestuous or polygamous marriages.

Well that is obvious. Laws are passed all of the time that unevenly protect rights. However, the right thing to do, especially when someone correctly argues that legalizing a freedom to marry doesn’t harm anyone else and that consenting adults should be allowed to do what they want, is not to silently exclude whole categories of people. Poly people and people in consanguineous relationships have just as much as a right to marriage as an unrelated man and woman, or two unrelated men or two unrelated women. The law should reflect that.

That is the correct answer when politicians who know better try to exploit the bigotry of the uneducated for votes, which is what they are doing when they use the slippery slope fallacy in debate as if it's a sound form of reasoning.

No, the correct response is to call out politicians for unfairly denying anyone their right to marry.

Not all people who are homosexual or who are tolerant of homosexuals support any particular other concept, including incest, polygamy,

Of course. Nor are all poly people tolerant of gays or lesbians, nor consanguineous couples of triads or quads, nor are all consanguinamorous people tolerant of gays or lesbians or poly people. But we all should recognize that everyone has the right to share love, sex, residence and marriage and that is why all of us should support full marriage equality.

Incest is illegal because it causes genetic disorders and mental problems such as mental retardation, cleft pallet, and hemophilia.

This is clearly not right. Older women are more likely to give birth to a child with certain conditions, but we don’t make it illegal for them to marry or have sex. We don’t make it illegal for two people who are carrying the same genes that can cause birth defects to have children. Most children born to first cousins are healthy and without disability, and the same thing remains true in the less common examples we have of closer relatives having children together. Most children born with birth defects are born to parents not closely related. This is red herring. See the Discredited Arguments page.

Polygamy is illegal because if it were not then rich men would keep harems full of women who would be more likely to be neglected or abused, and would in some cases be less productive citizens with less civil rights and less freedom.

How many myths can be packed into one answer? Marriage is a choice. Domestic violence, which happens in monogamous situations, too, is illegal, and recognizing polyamory or the freedom to polygamous marriages will not legalize domestic violence or hostage taking. The days of it being legal for a man to beat his wife are long gone, at least in modern countries, and thank goodness for that.

But in every country where it has ever been legal, women were treated as property and as second class citizens.

Hasn’t every country, at one time or another, done this? Modern countries should recognize gender equality AND marital rights.

You can not legalize it without discussing what legislature would be required to prevent that from happening.

Simple. Prosecute domestic violence. We already do this. People cite unmarried cohabitation as fostering domestic violence and child abuse, but it is legal. Groups of people can cohabitate legally. But thanks to prejudice, we don’t allow them to marry. Than is senseless.

There are different people who fall into one of each of these categories (same-sex couples, poly people, and the consanguinamorous) who want the freedom to marry and be treated equally. That is the common thread, even if they don’t overlap in their circumstances (as my friends do). Someone who wants to exhibit a controversial satirical sculpture is not in the same circumstance as someone who wants to show an explicitly erotic film or someone who wants to give a speech supporting an unpopular political policy, but all three of those people, in the USA, have the freedom of speech, and they should support the freedom of speech for each other.

Someone else wrote…

1 man with 3 wives leaves less opportunity for 2 men to find wives as a general rule.

But those three women want to be married to that man and not those other men, or they would have married them. This same kind of logic could be used to limit freedom in purchasing (homes, cars, anything) or going to the movies. If John and Mary go to the movies three nights a week instead of one, then two other couples can’t go to the movies on a weekly basis.

Why not let people decide for themselves?

Equality just for some is not equality. We need relationship rights and full marriage equality for all.

A Birth Mother Seeks Help

I found an item at dailyextra.com by therapist Dr. Pega Ren who answered a question by a woman experiencing Genetic Sexual Attraction for a son she gave up for adoption but has recently found her.

The feelings I have for my long lost son are very disturbing to me. I am sexually attracted to him! I can barely admit it . . . I’m so relieved this letter is anonymous. He wants to spend time getting to know each other, but my emotions when I’m around him are shameful and overpowering. He’s gay, so he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, although he welcomes physical closeness.

I can’t discuss with anyone. I don’t want to lose my son — again — but don’t know what to do. What’s wrong with me? How do I carry on?

As we've noted many times, it is not uncommon for a birth more to experience these feelings. Nothing at all is wrong with her. How she carries on is: with difficulty. If you check this blog, you know I'd have no problem with them exploring a sexual connection, but since he's gay he isn't going to be interested. She can either have him in her life without the romantic/sexual connection, or not at all. He welcomes some physical affection. The important thing is that she respect whatever boundaries he has. That isn't going to be easy, but it has to be done. When GSA is brought out of the shadows, it will be easier for people like her to get the assistance she needs.

Gay Marriage and Incest in the US

This entry is superseded by this more recent one. I'll keep this entry around for historical perspective.



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Gay marriage (or same-sex marriage, or most accurately same-gender marriage) and incest (consensual, not talking about rape or molestation) are usually two different things.

In the US, the bigotry against marriage equality currently extends to preventing first cousins from marrying in a little over half of the states. As of this updated [March 2, 2015] writing, bigotry still prevents any same-gender couples from marrying in all but twelve states and Washington, D.C. (although five more states are under court decisions to allow same-gender couples to marry, but those decisions are currently on hold pending appeals.) There are twenty-two states (including Arizona, Maine, Minnesota, and Illinois, which have very limiting restrictions) and D.C. that allow first cousins to marry and also have the same-gender freedom to marry. If you consider cousin marriage incestuous, then those are the places where gay marriage and incestuous marriage have an overlap, as same-gender first cousins can marry.

There are a few states with laws against consensual sex between first cousins, including North and South Dakota, Utah, Texas, Nevada, Kentucky, and Mississippi. Conversely, about half of US states will marry (heterosexual) first cousins into legally monogamous marriages, and the states that neither marry nor criminalize will generally allow first cousins to be together without marriage.

There are some states that do not criminalize consensual incest between closer relatives than cousins, but they will not marry those lovers. Most US states still have laws against consensual incest (consanguinamory), and in most of them, people do continue to be prosecuted for simply loving each other.

Laws against gay sex have been struck down by the Supreme Court. So, gay sex is legal nationwide, consanguinamory isn’t.

Mixed-gender consanguinamory (such as brother-sister sex) involves sex between consenting adults of who are closely related.*

Gay marriage is a commitment between consenting adults of the same gender.

Those are usually not the same things.

What they do have in common: 1. They are between consenting adults. 2. They don’t hurt anybody. 3. Both have been subject to discrimination and being banned by the sex-negative busybodies who like to interfere in the love lives of others. 4. There is no rational reason, consistently applied to other relationships, as to why either of these are banned where they are banned.  5. Gays and lesbians do not choose their orientation and people do not choose the parents to whom they are born.

Otherwise, they are two entirely different freedoms to marry. I support both freedoms to marry, and others, because I support relationship rights for all and full marriage equality.

An adult, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, or religion, should be free to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with ANY and ALL consenting adults, without prosecution, bullying, or discrimination. Don't like it? Then don't do it. (That’s a good, easy response to bigots that doesn't throw anyone under the bus.)

Different people have different likes and dislikes, different biases and prejudices than others. Some LGBT people are in consanguinamorous relationships. Other LGBT people are supportive, some neutral, and some disgusted by the idea. Just like everyone else. But nobody's disgust should interfere in another's life.

Consenting adults may do things with each other that might disgust a majority of other consenting adults, but that disgust of others should not prevent the consenting adults from having their sex or love lives. Each of us should stand up for the relationship rights of all consenting adults. Gay sex may disgust someone. Heterosexual sex may disgust another. BDSM may disgust someone else. Interracial sex may disgust someone else. Polyamory may disgust one person. Consanguinamory may disgust another. So what? The disgusted person doesn’t have to do it, but should recognize that other adults should be free to have orientations, feelings, and relationships they may not understand, and free to express their sexual desires with, and affections for, other consenting adults in the ways they want.


I was originally inspired to write this by the comments by Nick Cassavetes and the reactions to it.

By the way, I consulted Wikipedia for this info:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin_marriage_law_in_the_United_States_by_state
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_the_United_States
...so, if you are personally dealing with the issues involved, I recommend a good lawyer as a reliable source of information.

*Some places include adoptive or step relations under the criminalization of incest, even though there is no biological relation between the participants.