A New Life With True Love

We have another exclusive interview to bring you. 

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face persecution and prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The man interviewed below should be free to legally and publicly marry his lover, or simply be with her without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults; why should they have been denied their rights? In much of the world, they could be criminally prosecuted for loving each other this way, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what he has to say about the love they share. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label? 

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY:  Describe yourself.

Vishal: We were born in India. My name is Vishal, I'm a 26 year-old man, and my sister’s name is Samaira, she's a 25 year-old woman.

We both are in IT industry in Germany. We chose it because it is a high paying industry. Our high salaries enables us to live a comfortable life here. Right now we are able to save little over half of our salaries, which we invest, because we pool our resources. If everything goes well, then I can get a promotion soon, so our future looks good in Germany.

There is a whole tale behind how we ended up being in IT industry in Germany. We grew up in a well-off family in India. We have also an older brother there. We have a shared hobby of playing tennis. But I also like to go to CrossFit and she likes to play video games. We also like to read non-Fiction books. But due to time constraints nowadays we can only read one book in four to five months.

From a purely objective point of view we are 9/10 look-wise. That's thanks to my parents. They at least gave us good genes. I favor my father look-wise and my sister favors my mother. Because of this, until now, no one in Germany suspected that we are siblings.

FME:Are you married or have you ever been legally and/or ceremonially married? 

We are not married.

FME: How would you describe your gender(s)? How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation... are you heterosexual, bisexual, gay, what? Are you monogamous, polyamorous, or....?

I am heterosexual male and my sister is heterosexual female. We are in a monogamous relationship. We can never see each other with anyone else in any way.

FME: You currently live with... ?

We live together. Our parents think we are doing it for financial reasons.

FME: You are in a sexual/romantic relationship with your sister?

We are in a romantic relationship. Yes, it also entails sex.

FME: What was your childhood like? What was family life like? 

We had a comfortable childhood. We grew up in a conservative family in India, so sex was not discussed like it happens in the West.

We always had a close bond. We were each other’s best friend even in India. We always involved each other in almost everything.

Things started to change when I was 15 and my sister was 14. I stared to notice that I was physically attracted to my sister. At this point I didn’t knew my sister’s feelings. Due to my upbringing, I thought this was very wrong. I thought a brother should not have these feelings for his sister. So I started to spend more time with my female classmates. I was kind of forcing myself to like other females physically. I went as far as to start dating one of my classmates in secret. If my parents would have learned that I was dating someone I would have been grounded.

My sister was not happy with this sudden change in me. She even said it to me, but I lied to her and told her that I liked this girl and to please not to tell our parents. She was unhappy, but she agreed. But one day, someone told my parents that I was dating this girl, and the end result was my phone was confiscated and I was only allowed to leave my house after my parent’s permission.

One day, my sister came to me and confessed that even though it is wrong, she was physically attracted to me. She was so courageous. She did what I couldn’t. I thought this was the best time, and I also confessed my attraction towards her. We tried hard to ignore these feelings. 

FME: How did sexual affection become a part of the relationship?

Things changed when I was 16 and my sister was 15. We thought that we just needed to get it out of our system and then we can be like other normal people. So, we started from kissing. It was awkward at first. But it was so good. We also used to explore each others body. We only tried this when no one else was at home.

One day, we came to know that our parents were visiting one of our relatives for three days. We were so excited. We talked about taking things to the next level. At this point, we still thought this is all just physical and we are doing this to get it out of our system. I went four kilometers away from our home to purchase condoms, where no one could recognize me. When our parents left, we waited for couple of hours to make sure they didn’t come back.

FME: Can you describe your feelings during that?

Our first time was awkward. We had little to no experience with anything sexual, which led to a few rather embarrassing situations for both of us. In three days we had sex five time, with each session getting progressively better.

It was not extremely good sex like we have now, but we enjoyed it. We were enjoying each others company and intimacy even more.

We never felt guilty, but we thought that there was something wrong with us. Due to our upbringing, we were not able to accept that there was nothing wrong with us. It never came to our mind that we were normal humans who liked each other.

FME: Before this had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together?

We didn’t know whether we would enjoy it or not. We had to experiment.

We thought close family members should not have sexual thoughts. For f---s sake, we thought there was something wrong with us.

FME: How do you describe the sex/lovemaking now?

Once we got comfortable with each others body, our libidos went off the roofs. Our strong emotional bond and healthy lifestyle contributes to our high libido. We also found out we are very kinky.

FME: Describe your relationship now. Is this a marriage, a union, boyfriend and girlfriend, what?

Everyone in Germany thinks that we are a normal couple who live together. One of our friends once drunkenly joked, "If you two don’t get married, then I will lose faith in monogamous relationships". I wanted to scream that we want to get married but this society will not let us.

We are siblings who are also lovers. We stopped calling each brother and sister before coming to Germany. We call each other by our names. We have been in a sexual relationship for ten years.

We are each others first and we have every intention of being each others last. We can’t imagine us being with someone else.

FME: Do you sleep together, or what are the sleeping arrangements?

We sleep together. This is one of the reasons we left India.

FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature of your relationship and how did they find out?

Our life changed two months after our first time having sex. Our elder brother caught us making out.

My elder brother is six years older than me. So he was in college in another state when this all was going on between me and my sister. We thought he was going to lash out at us and then tell our parents. I remember we were so afraid. My sister was crying hysterically. I had to console her.

But we were surprised when he calmly asked us some questions “Since when?”, “Were you just making out or you had sex too at some point?” and “Have you used protections each time?”. When we saw that he was not angry we took a very big step and told him the truth. Then he asked “Are you sure about your feelings?”. We were confused. We told him it is just physical, there can be nothing emotional between brother and sister. Right?

He asked us to take time and figure it out. He gave us one month. In that month we talked a lot. We talked about our childhood, hoow we really feit about each other. We didn’t hide anything. We came to a conclusion that, yes, we have emotional attraction too towards each other.

We told our brother everything. Then he told us one of his own secrets that day. He told us that he is bisexual. We were shocked because it goes against everything that our society taught us. Then we thought that if we can be physically and emotionally attracted towards each other, then it is entirely possible for our brother to be attracted to both men and women. From that point on, we started thinking that perhaps there is nothing wrong with us. We thought that we are brother and sister who are also in a consensual relationship. Our brother told us that while he can’t understand us, he will still help us to be together.

I will be honest. I was surprised when he showed us his whole plan which he made for us. His plan was to get us out of India to Germany as international students. It was a race against time for me, especially. I only had little over one year to prepare for a language proficiency exam and to prepare all the documents. It was hell for me. My sister had an easier time. She had one year more than me. Our academic background was excellent, which helped us a lot.

After my test results came, I compromised and I chose the university which asks for lower criteria so that my sister had a good chance of getting selected in the same university. Luck was on our side when, after one year, my sister was admitted in my university.

Our surname is common in India. So we had no difficulty of acting like strangers. When I approached her, everyone just thought that she is attractive and that’s why I asked her out.

Let me tell you that one year was hell for us. When we were away from each other we realized what we truly meant to each other.

FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? Are there any other disadvantages? Conversely, do you think consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers, especially for siblings?

If we did not have to hide our relationship, then we would not have had to face those tough years. We wouldn’t have thought there was something wrong with us. We wouldn’t have had to leave the country we were born in. We wouldn’t have to restart our life in Germany. We literally had to rebuild everything here. During our student years, we got some help from our family, but after that we were on our own. You have no idea how hard it is to establish your life in Germany if you are a foreigner and have no work experience. Only follow my path if you have no other option left.

There are advantages and disadvantages of brother-sister romantic relationships. I am sorry I can only offer insight about brother-sister romantic relationship.

According to me, the emotional bond and communication between brother and sister who are together is the strongest. This is our strength. Using this strength, we can overcome issues which often end relationships. This also includes infidelity, too.

Now let us talk about disadvantages. You can’t afford to breakup or situations that lead to breakups. Remember, not only your relationship as couples will end but also your relationship as siblings will end. You will also have to lie a lot to people close to you.

But there is a good news. You can counter your disadvantages by your advantage. Let me explain it.

During our time here in Germany, we have seen many breakups of all types including infidelity. We found out that a majority of relationships end due to communication problems. Now, communication is our strength. We don’t hide anything from each other. We always tell each other what is on our mind or what what we find is lacking in our relationship in a way that will not hurt the other. Then we solve the problems in our relationship without procrastination. This includes sex. We never hide our kinks from each other even if we thought it was humiliating.

Let us come to infidelity. Infidelity happens in four cases.

One, if the person is a serial cheater. This doesn’t apply to us. So I have no solution for this.

Two, if the person has weak boundaries. We don’t have this problem, but we still read a book,  Not Just Friends. According to me every person in consanguineous relationship should read this to make your boundaries stronger.

Three., i you are having relationship problems. I already explained how to solve it.

Four, when at some point you find your partner boring. This can be solved by always being curious about your partner. Now this will require effort by both side. You have to ask about each other. A person is always changing. So if you are always growing and your partner is curious about you this issue can be solved.

We still continuously read books and have made a rule to make our relationship as safe a possible. As I said, we can’t afford breakup.

Now let us talk about the rule I just mentioned. We had promised if we can’t handle an issue on our own then we will seek therapy. Just two years ago, we followed this rule and we overcame a situation which has ended many relationships.

FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other?

None of us is forcing the other. It is fully consensual. If you can’t accept us, then at least leave us alone. We already have many problems. Is loving someone a crime? We are not hurting someone. We just love each other. We can’t argue with religious people so I have nothing to say to them.

FME:If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you? Or is this a different kind of relationship than that?

Yes, we want to get married.

FME: Do you have children together?

We received a crushing blow when my sister was 23. We found out that she can’t have children of her own due to premature ovarian failure. We found out late; even after treatment nothing could be done. This led us to spiral downward. At some point we realized that we can’t handle it on our own, so we both went to both Individual Counselling and Couples Counselling. Let me tell you, this saved our relationship. We both agree on this. You can’t imagine what a dark phase we were going through. But we emerged stronger.

This brings us to this year and the reason to why I contacted you with intention of telling you my story. In January this, year my sister told me that she still has a deep desire to carry my child in her womb. After asking if she is sure, we went through the IVF process. Finding a donor was a task in itself. My sister can be so picky sometimes. In the end we had a donor who she liked. But we have to go to another country for the whole IVF process.

The things we sometimes have to do for love. We are two months pregnant now. If everything goes well then in approx. next seven months, we will become parents.

I was frustrated during the IVF process. The process caused a dent in our savings. Already, establishing a life here was difficult. But seeing how happy we both are now, I will say it was worth it. But we both have agreed that with a child on the way, we will not spend money on unnecessary things.

We knew that when our our parents would learn that my sister is pregnant, they would cut all contact with her. But we still tried. We thought that maybe they have changed a little bit. When they learned this, they started saying some colorful words. I immediately cut the call. I didn’t want my sister to get stressed. To be honest, it was expected so neither of us was affected.

Since we left India for university, we have gone back only for one time per year. We have slowly drifted apart from our family. After making sure my sister was fine, I contacted home for perhaps one last time, except for my brother.

They said how my sister dishonored her family by getting pregnant outside of wedlock. They said that she is no longer a member of their family. She is dead for them. I warned them to think carefully, because if she is cut off, then I am gone too. I told them that I will not leave her alone in Germany. They said if I chose my sister, then for them I am dead too.

So now we both are dead for our family. Our brother called us later on to congratulate us. Our friends are also very happy for us.

FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member, especially a sibling?

Think ten times before acting. We were lucky we had our older brother. Plan everything possible. Make sure it is completely consensual. There should be no pressure from anyone. It must be mutual. I have given detailed answers to tell everyone how much hardships you may have to face. We are in, financially, a good position, but we have to struggle so much. What would have happened if we were not financially stable? Be ready for Hell. You will suffer sometimes. Brother-sister consanguineous relationships aren't like porn. It is far harder than a normal couple’s life. You also can’t afford to break up. So you have to work hard to make your relationship safe.

If you think you can face these challenges then, “All the best.”

FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other? 

If you think that someone you know is in consanguineous relationship or have feelings for a close relative, if there is no foul play from either side and if is 100 percent consensual, then please, if you can’t accept them, then at least don’t make their life more difficult. We already have to suffer.

FME: Do you consider yourself consanguinamorous in orientation, or could you be fulfilled in a relationship with someone who isn’t a close relative?

We never thought about anyone else. We are happy with each other.

FME: Any plans for the future?

New challenges are coming. We don’t have any family to rely on in Germany. We only have friends here. We both have to prepare for the role of parents. We have talked to some couples. We got to know the difficulties of parenthood and how to tackle them. One couple also told us at which point we may have to go to therapist, too. We are preparing for everything. Because we have seen many relationship failing because they can’t handle being parents, and a couple at a same time successfully handling parenthood. So, we are preparing for every possibility.

FME: You've mentioned getting therapy/counseling. Did any of the therapists or counselors know you were siblings?

We attended both Individual and Couples Counselling. Therapists knew about sibling status. But before revealing the truth, we vetted the therapist to make sure that they could be trusted.

They asked us many questions to make sure our relationship is consensual. They do this to make sure no one is groomed. They will ask questions to make sure there is no foul play.

Before revealing the relationship to a therapist, make sure they can be trusted. Read reviews about them. Spend a few sessions with them. If possible, contact their previous clients.

[Note from FME: Laws regarding confidentiality and mandatory reporting by therapists vary from place to place. Find out what they are for your location.]

FME: Anything else to add?

Our struggles didn’t end when we got together in university. I had to compromise earlier to make sure we get into same university. We had to study and work so hard to compensate for that compromise. Only because of this, now we have high earning jobs.

Be ready to lie. We had to lie to our friends about our family. We never involved them in our family. I told them that I am the only son and my mother died when I was four. My sister told them that her father died when she was twelve and she has an older brother. We told them how conservative they are and how they are not happy with us because we chose to study, and later stay, in Germany. They thought that relationship between us and our families was already strained. We also had to lie to them that our families didn’t approve of us and have disowned us. Trust me, it happens a lot in India. So they believed us.

Remember our career was chosen by our brother because it was a high-paying field. He did so so that we can we can live in Germany comfortably even without anyone's support. We have no interest in the IT industry. We are just very good at it. The only reason we didn’t go insane because we never left our hobby. We continued doing what makes us happy. So if any of you are struck in a field you have no interest in, then find a hobby that keeps you happy and do it like we do.

Our friends are atheist and very open-minded so even if they came to learn about us I don’t think they will tell anyone. But why take chances? Rely only on yourselves. For now, secrecy is the only way for you to live a good and peaceful life.

An incestuous relationship is also a relationship. A stronger one in comparison to non-incestuous relationship, but still at the end of the day, a relationship nonetheless. This is the reason I mentioned how to make relationships stronger.

I hope this interview helps other brother-sister couples. You can be together. There is hope. You may have to face hardship. But you can be together. Just believe in your love.

*****

UPDATE: Samaira, the sister, gives her perspective here.

Clearly, these are consenting adults, and yet they can't even exercise their basic human rights as things are now. They are happy, yet they are denied fundamental rights. They can't even be open about their love without risking harassment or much worse.

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason. We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life, around the world, who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, or that of someone you know, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, X/ Twitter at FullMEquality, or Facebook. I usually check for private/direct messages and respond in less than a day, so if I don't it might mean your message didn't get delivered.

If you know someone who is in a relationship that's anything like this, or "taboo" or "forbidden," please read this.

Thank you, Vishal, for telling us about your consanguinamorous relationship. We wish you both well, especially on the pregnancy and parenthood.