Fortunately, most people in consanguinamorous relationships are never outed to anyone hostile, at least not anyone with any power over them. Still, it happens to a few people.
In some places, consanguinamory is still criminalized. There are not yet any protections against discrimination (such as in employment or housing), and some people have an irrational hatred against consanguinamorists, to the point of being violent and even murderous against consangs.
So being outed against your will can be a very big deal.
It's best not to be outed against your consent in the first place, so see here and here and here, and discuss with your consanguinamory partner(s) what you'd do if you were outed. In some situations, you might want to Press the Red Button.
One of the significant problems with ignorance around consanguinamory is the false "guilt by association" in which loving relationships are equated with assault and child abuse. It is so irrational that if, for example, two middle-aged siblings are together, some bigots will accuse of them of abusing children. It is senseless, but it happens.
The bottom line in some cases, you might need to:
Deny/remain silent.
Remove your online/social media presence (other than burner accounts) or set everything to private. Don't allow tagging, location info, and block as much as needed.
Change your name.
Relocate to where people don't know you; let as few people know where you've gone as possible.
Let's consider what might happen.
Don't Panic
Allow yourself time to calm down and think. The more calm you appear, the more likely it is you'll be able to limit the damage. Assess the situation and your options. Deal with the reality rather than wishing it wasn't reality. By the way, thinking about this ahead of time as a "What if?" will make it more likely you can react well if it happens.
No, it's not fair. It's not fair at all that anyone would have to hide that they have loved each other, or have to worry about being outed. We are working to change that. But the for now, the injustice continues, and we have to deal with that.
Deny, Deny, Deny and Admit Nothing
I don't care if you they have you on video having sex with each other. In such a case, I half-jokingly suggest saying "That's not me, and that's not what we're doing." Seriously, even if they are sure they've caught you, never admit to it. In the US, you have the "right to remain silent." If law enforcement is getting involved, say nothing other than "I refuse to talk without my attorney present." Never consent to a search of your resident or anything else of yours. Do this even if they seem sympathetic to you. Law enforcement personnel are allowed to lie to you.
I'm all for working safely with journalists and media to get the truth about consanguinamory to the public, but if you've been outed against your will, it probably isn't time to to speak with journalists or the media. Rather, you should be keeping as low as a profile as possible. There is an exception to this described below, at the end of this entry.
Do You Have True Friends and Allies?
Has anyone in your life known and been supportive? This is when you'll find out who your true friends and allies are. Some people might surprise you in a good way, and some might surprise you in a bad way. Lean on your true friends and allies. Someone doesn't have to know for sure you've been consanguinamorous to be your friend; they'll be your friend through this whether the "gossip" or "allegations" are true or not.
Beware of Violent Bigots
As bizarre as it sounds, some people hate others for being consanguinamorous to the point of violence. You might have to take steps you hadn't considered before in order to protect yourself and each other, including methods of self-defense and relocating.
Law Enforce and Social Workers
Where consanguinamory is still illegal (the laws of your state, province, etc. should be online), being outed to law enforcement (police, sheriff, etc.) or government social workers can mean intrusive snooping into your life and threats for your children to be taken away and for you to be criminally prosecuted and incarcerated. Good attorneys can help you with this. Yes, they are expensive, but necessary in such events. Remember, admit nothing.
Home
If you are living in your parents' home, they might kick you out. Ideally, they would be supportive, instead. If they need someone to communicate with about consanguinamory to help them understand, there are people available.
If you're renting/leasing, the owner/manager might kick you out, and it's probably legal for them to do so. Ideally, they wouldn't care as long as you have made your payments and haven't been destructive, but if they are bigots or worried about bigots, they might evict you.
Add this to list of reasons you might want to own your home, and not within a homeowners association.
Neighbors
Hopefully, you don't have violent bigots for neighbors, but if you do, you should seriously consider moving.
Work
If you work for someone else, they can fire you. Even if they don't, you might have to deal with bigoted co-workers. If you rely on clients, they might not want to deal with you anymore. If you've been able to keep your work and private life completely separate, that might help. But if you have co-workers who know you or your family/friends outside of work, or if you're in the news, it will likely be a mess. You might need to change jobs.
Don't talk about personal matters at work or with co-workers. If someone taunts you to asks you rude questions about this, tell them that you're there to work. What they're doing is sexual harassment.
Absent of being wealthy enough you don't need to work anymore, being self-employed and having clients who are either supportive or don't care would be ideal.
Your Parents, Siblings, Etc.
Your family-of-origin, the ones with whom you haven't been consanguinamorous, might react as violent bigots and rats (informing law enforcement) or might disown you. Bigotry and envy can be very destructive. If they are supportive that's wonderful. But if they're not, you're probably going to lose them; maybe forever, maybe just for a while.
The same goes for any adult children you have who haven't known, and if you have minor children, they might become hostile, if you still are even allowed to communicate with them. Although, that is less likely to happen if you raised them to be open-minded and sex-positive.
Your Spouses or Partners
Cheating with a close relative happens, but it can be extra risky. If your other partner was expecting monogamy and now believes you have not only been cheating, but cheating with a close relative, you're facing some serious wrath. Even if you and your partner(s) had a "don't ask. don't tell" arrangement, they might not have expected consanguinamory on your part. Even if they knew and were willing to accept it, once it becomes public, or at least known to others in their life, they might express severe disapproval.
Organizations
If you're involved in organizations such as charities, religious organizations, civic clubs, professional associations, etc., you might get kicked out. A religious organization might even make a point of holding you up to attack.
School
If you're in school (whatever kind), you might need to leave. If the school is where your involvement was discovered, word might get back to your family. Classmates, dormmates, and faculty might be hostile and derisive.
What Does It All Mean?
As you can see, being outed can completely disrupt your life.
With co-workers, classmates, neighbors, basically the people who don't have real power over you, rolling your eyes and shaking your head when they raise the topic might kill the issue much better than a strong denial. If people can't get a rise out of you and they don't have proof, they are likely to get bored of bringing it up, or at least they'll be on to the next piece of gossip after a while. Whether they'll admit or not, or whether they even know it or not, someone in their family has been involved.
Remember, you might need to:
Deny or remain silent.
Remove your online/social media presence (other than burner accounts) or set everything to private. Don't allow tagging, location info, and block as much as needed.
Change your name.
Relocate to where people don't know you; let as few people know where you've gone as possible.
The Exception
You're living where consanguinamory isn't illegal, you're independent and self-sufficient enough to handle the fallout, and you're somewhat secure and safe in case someone wants to do you harm. This means that if you want to challenge societal prejudices, you're in a good position to do so. If outed, you might want to take on the topic and redirect the conversation to "What's wrong with letting consenting adults love each other how they mutually agree?" There's no good reason people should have to continue to hide.
If you're considering coming out, read this.
You can contact Keith by emailing fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or via the Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality
In some places, consanguinamory is still criminalized. There are not yet any protections against discrimination (such as in employment or housing), and some people have an irrational hatred against consanguinamorists, to the point of being violent and even murderous against consangs.
So being outed against your will can be a very big deal.
It's best not to be outed against your consent in the first place, so see here and here and here, and discuss with your consanguinamory partner(s) what you'd do if you were outed. In some situations, you might want to Press the Red Button.
One of the significant problems with ignorance around consanguinamory is the false "guilt by association" in which loving relationships are equated with assault and child abuse. It is so irrational that if, for example, two middle-aged siblings are together, some bigots will accuse of them of abusing children. It is senseless, but it happens.
The bottom line in some cases, you might need to:
Deny/remain silent.
Remove your online/social media presence (other than burner accounts) or set everything to private. Don't allow tagging, location info, and block as much as needed.
Change your name.
Relocate to where people don't know you; let as few people know where you've gone as possible.
Let's consider what might happen.
Don't Panic
Allow yourself time to calm down and think. The more calm you appear, the more likely it is you'll be able to limit the damage. Assess the situation and your options. Deal with the reality rather than wishing it wasn't reality. By the way, thinking about this ahead of time as a "What if?" will make it more likely you can react well if it happens.
No, it's not fair. It's not fair at all that anyone would have to hide that they have loved each other, or have to worry about being outed. We are working to change that. But the for now, the injustice continues, and we have to deal with that.
Deny, Deny, Deny and Admit Nothing
I don't care if you they have you on video having sex with each other. In such a case, I half-jokingly suggest saying "That's not me, and that's not what we're doing." Seriously, even if they are sure they've caught you, never admit to it. In the US, you have the "right to remain silent." If law enforcement is getting involved, say nothing other than "I refuse to talk without my attorney present." Never consent to a search of your resident or anything else of yours. Do this even if they seem sympathetic to you. Law enforcement personnel are allowed to lie to you.
I'm all for working safely with journalists and media to get the truth about consanguinamory to the public, but if you've been outed against your will, it probably isn't time to to speak with journalists or the media. Rather, you should be keeping as low as a profile as possible. There is an exception to this described below, at the end of this entry.
Do You Have True Friends and Allies?
Has anyone in your life known and been supportive? This is when you'll find out who your true friends and allies are. Some people might surprise you in a good way, and some might surprise you in a bad way. Lean on your true friends and allies. Someone doesn't have to know for sure you've been consanguinamorous to be your friend; they'll be your friend through this whether the "gossip" or "allegations" are true or not.
Beware of Violent Bigots
As bizarre as it sounds, some people hate others for being consanguinamorous to the point of violence. You might have to take steps you hadn't considered before in order to protect yourself and each other, including methods of self-defense and relocating.
Law Enforce and Social Workers
Where consanguinamory is still illegal (the laws of your state, province, etc. should be online), being outed to law enforcement (police, sheriff, etc.) or government social workers can mean intrusive snooping into your life and threats for your children to be taken away and for you to be criminally prosecuted and incarcerated. Good attorneys can help you with this. Yes, they are expensive, but necessary in such events. Remember, admit nothing.
Home
If you are living in your parents' home, they might kick you out. Ideally, they would be supportive, instead. If they need someone to communicate with about consanguinamory to help them understand, there are people available.
If you're renting/leasing, the owner/manager might kick you out, and it's probably legal for them to do so. Ideally, they wouldn't care as long as you have made your payments and haven't been destructive, but if they are bigots or worried about bigots, they might evict you.
Add this to list of reasons you might want to own your home, and not within a homeowners association.
Neighbors
Hopefully, you don't have violent bigots for neighbors, but if you do, you should seriously consider moving.
Work
If you work for someone else, they can fire you. Even if they don't, you might have to deal with bigoted co-workers. If you rely on clients, they might not want to deal with you anymore. If you've been able to keep your work and private life completely separate, that might help. But if you have co-workers who know you or your family/friends outside of work, or if you're in the news, it will likely be a mess. You might need to change jobs.
Don't talk about personal matters at work or with co-workers. If someone taunts you to asks you rude questions about this, tell them that you're there to work. What they're doing is sexual harassment.
Absent of being wealthy enough you don't need to work anymore, being self-employed and having clients who are either supportive or don't care would be ideal.
Your Parents, Siblings, Etc.
Your family-of-origin, the ones with whom you haven't been consanguinamorous, might react as violent bigots and rats (informing law enforcement) or might disown you. Bigotry and envy can be very destructive. If they are supportive that's wonderful. But if they're not, you're probably going to lose them; maybe forever, maybe just for a while.
The same goes for any adult children you have who haven't known, and if you have minor children, they might become hostile, if you still are even allowed to communicate with them. Although, that is less likely to happen if you raised them to be open-minded and sex-positive.
Your Spouses or Partners
Cheating with a close relative happens, but it can be extra risky. If your other partner was expecting monogamy and now believes you have not only been cheating, but cheating with a close relative, you're facing some serious wrath. Even if you and your partner(s) had a "don't ask. don't tell" arrangement, they might not have expected consanguinamory on your part. Even if they knew and were willing to accept it, once it becomes public, or at least known to others in their life, they might express severe disapproval.
Organizations
If you're involved in organizations such as charities, religious organizations, civic clubs, professional associations, etc., you might get kicked out. A religious organization might even make a point of holding you up to attack.
School
If you're in school (whatever kind), you might need to leave. If the school is where your involvement was discovered, word might get back to your family. Classmates, dormmates, and faculty might be hostile and derisive.
What Does It All Mean?
As you can see, being outed can completely disrupt your life.
With co-workers, classmates, neighbors, basically the people who don't have real power over you, rolling your eyes and shaking your head when they raise the topic might kill the issue much better than a strong denial. If people can't get a rise out of you and they don't have proof, they are likely to get bored of bringing it up, or at least they'll be on to the next piece of gossip after a while. Whether they'll admit or not, or whether they even know it or not, someone in their family has been involved.
Remember, you might need to:
Deny or remain silent.
Remove your online/social media presence (other than burner accounts) or set everything to private. Don't allow tagging, location info, and block as much as needed.
Change your name.
Relocate to where people don't know you; let as few people know where you've gone as possible.
The Exception
You're living where consanguinamory isn't illegal, you're independent and self-sufficient enough to handle the fallout, and you're somewhat secure and safe in case someone wants to do you harm. This means that if you want to challenge societal prejudices, you're in a good position to do so. If outed, you might want to take on the topic and redirect the conversation to "What's wrong with letting consenting adults love each other how they mutually agree?" There's no good reason people should have to continue to hide.
If you're considering coming out, read this.
You can contact Keith by emailing fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or via the Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality
almost all people do not understand what consanguinamory is!
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