Twins Discovering Love

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers who are denied the freedom to be open about their love and are, by law, denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law.

"M" and "R" should be free to marry, yet they can't legally marry, and they could be imprisoned and have their lives ruined if they were outed to the wrong people. They are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including where they live, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what these lovers have to say. Should these lovers be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?


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FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourselves.
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M: I’m a thespian who dances to keep herself occupied and mentally sane. When I’m not in rehearsal, I’m spending time with my squad of friends and cousins. Our family is practically bigger than the one from Home Alone, and we all get along with the same people. So sometimes the line between blood relations, ordinary friends, and people that aren’t blood relations but are still technically family can get a bit blurry.

R: I’d describe us as upper middle class, I guess? We come from Florida, and I won’t say which part, just that it’s kind of an oasis amid the nonsense that the rest of our home-state gets up to. We don’t have any other actual siblings, but several cousins and friends who are so close to us that they might as well have sibling status. 


FME: Are you married?

M: We aren’t married, unfortunately. It would be impossible, since even though cousin marriage is legal in some states, sibling marriage isn’t legal anywhere. If I could get away with it, I’d marry him right this second, cause he’s the one. But we’re fine with not being able to. We’ll still function as a married couple, so we’ve made our peace with it. 


FME: How would you describe your gender(s)? How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation?

M: I’m cisgender and bisexual. He is on the asexuality spectrum and is otherwise hetero-romantic. He’s also been self-examining and considering the possibility that he’s non-binary, but is still using he/him pronouns for the time being. As far as our relationship goes, it’s pretty mono. It’s hard for us to even have a discussion about what we would do if an infidelity occurred, because neither of us can really wrap our head around the idea of seeing somebody else in any serious capacity. Though we’ve also agreed that casual dating to maintain appearances is fine, and I’ve been given a special permission card, specifically for Emilia Clarke. If I ever meet her and she’s willing, I get to go down that road, and it doesn’t count as an affair. Hey, we all have our celebrity crushes.


FME: You currently live with...?

R: We live with just our parents, but various family members are frequently coming over to hang out. We also visit other friends and families homes a lot. 


FME: You are in a sexual/romantic relationship with your fraternal twin?

M: I am indeed. We don't look that much alike, though there are a few shared features. We’ve been in a secret romantic relationship for seven months now, and yup, we have sex.


FME: What was your childhood like? What was family life like? Were alternative lifestyles/sex discussed in your family, and if so, how? Can you describe your sexual awakening? When and how did you realize your sexual orientation?

R: Funny enough, she and I didn’t get along at all when we were younger. We used to bicker a lot. Didn’t really get close until middle school, but then we became best friends. Our parents made us start sharing a room when we moved to encourage us to get along better, and it worked. 

M: Our parents didn’t really give us the sex talk since it was covered in our school science class, but they told us we were welcome to come to them with questions if anything confused us. But they’ve always been totally supportive of the LGBT community and while I haven’t really told them I’m bi, I’ve alluded to it and I think they can tell. As I hinted at before, my bisexual awakening was Emilia Clarke’s nude scenes on Game of Thrones. I kept re-watching them and telling myself that it was just because I liked the cinematography, until my best friend just rolled her eyes and called me out on my gay denial.


FME: How did sexual affection become a part of your relationship?

R: It was very much a gradual process. We became really close friends in middle school, and in high school I started to realize our energy was a bit more than brother-sisterly. We felt close enough and connected enough to open up to each other and talk about these feelings, because the attraction was mutual. But we decided it was obviously wiser not to make any changes to our relationship. 

M: Guess how well that turned out? Yeah, we managed for a while but little by little we stopped trying to resist our feelings. There were several times where we “slipped.” And would make out or something, only to quickly backtrack and agree that it “didn’t count.” Stuff like using a “New Year’s Kiss” as an excuse to French each other in the closet for half an hour. The “slips” got more and more intimate and happened more often. I think we both know it was inevitable that we’d go all the way sooner or later. 

R: And we did. We were watching the stars after everyone else went to bed. But I’m such a shy puppy that it was definitely her who made the first move. Said she wanted to give me a “present.” Which ended up being her taking my virginity, and we both just kinda let it happen.  It wasn’t long after that when we officially decided “screw it.” And became a low-key couple. 


FME: Can you describe your feelings during that?

M: For both of us, it was a mixture of panic and excitement. The thrill of sharing moments like that with someone you love that loves you back. I kept trying to remind myself that we were related, about as related as two people could be. That it just couldn’t happen and shouldn’t happen. But the more I told myself that, the more a voice in my head just kept asking “Why not?” There was definitely a kind of numb disbelief, especially as it progressed further, and it became clearer that we were kidding ourselves about showing restraint. But simply being with him quelled my anxiety, helped me feel more relaxed and able to forget all of the fears and doubts. 

R: It’s cliché, but I would call that night with her, one of the best nights of my life. And the morning after had that same sense of numb shock, especially since we had officially done the deed, but I also just felt so utterly calm and free and at peace. There really isn’t a feeling that compares to waking up in the arms of the girl you love, with the sunlight shining down on you both. Like, it practically felt like a movie scene. That whole day, we were a little shy around each other, but mostly we couldn’t fight this feeling of mutual euphoria. I remember a conversation we had after breakfast, where she said something to the effect of “Let’s just agree last night was a huge mistake, that we’re probably going to make again at some point?” And we just started to laugh at the same time. Any tension left was gone after that. 


FME: Before this had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together?

M: My feelings about relationships between family members, before I realized I was crushing on my brother, was pretty much the generic “That’s wrong” idea of the situation. It wasn’t an enlightened opinion, I was basically just parroting what I was taught. The idea that family members aren’t supposed to date was ingrained in both of us just like it would be for most people. Of course, part of our journey was deprogramming from that and putting such notions under a microscope, only to realize that they don’t really hold up. Why is it wrong to date family? Because it’s “gross.” Why is gross? Because they’re family. It’s a circular reasoning that doesn’t actually make any points. Realizing that was like waking up from a dream. 

R: As far as I know, no one else in our family has had any inclinations toward other people they’re related to. I mean, we have a squad with a group chat and everything, and I’m sure crushes among our friends happen now and then. But I don’t think anything that would turn heads has happened, apart from my twin and me. We’ve both kissed friends for Spin The Bottle/Truth or Dare, and on one such time, my twin did make out with our cousin, but she isn’t a blood relation. Two of our other cousins also hooked up once, by accident. It was dark, they were stoned. But they aren’t blood related either, they’re step-siblings. They still haven’t lived it down, though.  It’s safe to say that was a one-time thing. 


FME: How do you describe the sex now?

M: Since my guy is an ace king, I’ll take this one. I’d say our sex life is a pretty healthy one. Of course, we have to be discreet, even more so than most young couples living with parents, but we’re still able to do the deed semi-frequently. It doesn’t feel taboo, and I wouldn’t say it feels particularly kinky to sleep with my twin. I mean, sometimes it can, but for the most part, my attitude on incest now is “This shouldn’t be considered abnormal.” What I will say is that the lovemaking feels especially tender and intimate, but that may just be because we’re so close and understand each other. To be fair, I’m the only woman he’s ever been with, and I don’t have too many other pleasant experiences to compare with myself. 


FME: Describe your relationship now. Is this a marriage, a union, what? Do you see each other as siblings or lovers, or are those two roles inseparable at this point?

R: It is basically a marriage, yeah. In that we’re fully committed to each other and while we understand that we’re young and naïve and that it’s possible we’ll break up someday, it just doesn’t seem very likely to either of us. Though I would definitely add that each and every aspect of our relationship is still present, and they don’t simply fade into each other. Sibling, lover, bestie, partner, all of these roles are present in our relationship. I know that for some people, consanguinamory occurs when they stop seeing their family member as a family member at all, and can only see them in the romantic and/or sexual context. That didn’t really happen for us. One minute, I can be cradling her in my arms while we flirt and make eyes at each other, and the next moment, she’ll get up and throw her laundry at me, saying that it’s my turn to fill the hamper as she heads downstairs. We didn’t stop being siblings when we got together, any more than we did when we finally became friends before that. Our relationship didn’t transform so much as it evolved. 


FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature of your relationship and how did they find out? How have they reacted? What kind of steps, if any, have you had to take to keep your privacy?

M: We’re pretty fortunate in that our living situation makes it easier to manage, and our parents are pretty laid-back. They don’t come into our room much, and they’ve never thought to separate us into different bedrooms. Perhaps they’ve glimpsed us sleeping together on the couch or in the same bed before. If so, they didn’t make a big deal out of it. It’s not like we sleep naked. We’re very careful to get dressed after making love. So if our parents have figured it out, they’ve chosen to pretend they didn’t, and look the other way. 

R: We also live in a pretty liberal-feminist community, at least in our home city. So while we still have to keep things low-key, there isn’t as much pressure. For the most part, nobody bats an eye if we attend things like weddings together, instead of with someone else. In general, we aren’t nearly as affectionate in public as we are in private, but it’s possible some of our close friends and peers can sense that there’s something between us. Only a couple of our very closest friends and cousins have directly found out, usually because they’d happen upon a damning text message, or show up on the scene before we had enough time to disentangle. My twin’s very best friend found out when she turned up at our otherwise empty house while we were taking a shower together. 

M: Thankfully, the feedback that we’ve gotten has been almost entirely positive. They always agree not to tell anyone, and the reactions have ranged from “This is adorable, I ship it.” To the very worst simply being “Eh, I don’t get it, but if it makes you happy. Just don’t make any mutant babies.”


FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? Are there any other disadvantages? Conversely, do you think consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers? Especially between twins?

M: Well every situation is different, obviously. But I think the benefits of dating a family member would be pretty obvious, and then I remember most people can’t even imagine it. Either way, it’s the same as dating a best friend. You already know each other and you’re already close. You already know you’d never give up on each other. This isn’t someone who’s going to come into your life for a while and then disappear; they’re in this for the long haul. Not saying every relationship is automatically better with a family history, but I still fail to understand how it can be anything but a good thing. 

R: The only real down-sides come from stigma. All these classic tragedies and novels that feature characters committing suicide after they have sex with a family member - they only want to end their lives because society has taught them that they’ve done something terrible. If it wasn’t for the stigma, no one would feel guilt. Of course, the result of this is that, as we’ve said, keeping things secret. I would say it’s a pain, but it mainly comes down to how ballsy we’re feeling on any given day. Can we hold hands in public? Will that look weird? How many romantic gestures can a one-on-one hangout have before it looks “too much” like a date? 

M: Honestly, the biggest struggle is trying to capture that balance. Agonizing over what is and isn’t too much in what combination. He shouldn’t have to hesitate about getting me flowers. We shouldn’t have to think twice before having a candlelit dinner. If I want to wear a pretty dress for my night out with him, and make his jaw drop, I should be able to do that. But too many touches like that, too many tells of it being a romantic date, and we’re busted. Sure, we could go somewhere that nobody knows us, but what if we run into someone from there at a later point? 


FME: Do you have any children together, and if so, how are they?

M: We don’t. Birth control is a godsend, my friends. The two of us aren’t ever planning to have any children, either. I don’t know if I believe the whole “mutant babies” idea, I don’t think it’s actually backed by science, but it's not worth risking even if we did want children. Which we don’t. I have no desire to be a mother, and I’d adopt before I bring a child into this world because A: The world is overpopulated already, and B: Childbirth does not sound fun.


FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other (and that you can’t truly consent)?

M: We’re the same age, so legally, we  truly can consent and the naysayers can die mad about it. I really don’t see how anyone could sell the idea that one of us is a predator because my twin is the sweetest, shyest human being on the planet. Let’s put it this way: I’ve been preyed upon before. This isn’t what it feels like. It’s the opposite of what it feels like.


R: My twin is much more high energy than me but that’s literally one of the things that I love about her and she’s definitely not taking advantage of me, either. If there are people out there who disapprove of stories like ours, I see where you’re coming from. Because I was there too a few years ago. It’s just the kind of thing we accept without really questioning it. But that’s the same as people being taught that LGBT or interracial relationships aren’t okay, that they shouldn’t be allowed. Why should any kind of consenting relationship not be allowed? There’s a difference between “I wouldn’t do this” and “No one should be allowed to do this.” I wouldn’t go bungee jumping, because that sounds like a death sentence. But my aversion shouldn’t lead to people who want to bungee jump getting banned from doing so. And we’re not talking about an extreme sport. We’re talking about love. 


FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you? 

M: Absolutely, yes. We would. Like I said, we’d get married tomorrow if there weren’t laws against it. We already function somewhat as domestic life partners, and once we’re done with schooling we’re definitely going to find an apartment together. Wow, I’d love to live in a world where people didn’t think this was weird. He and I would literally be the ultimate power couple. 


FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member, especially a twin or other sibling?

M: Aw fam, welcome to the struggle. Don’t beat yourself up because there’s nothing wrong with you. Even if being attracted to family members was morally wrong (it’s not) it’s not like we choose who we have feelings for. Your body doesn’t know the difference. The Westermarck effect is a myth! My twin and I are living proof of that. 

R: Falling in love with a sibling, especially a twin, makes a lot of sense if you think about it. People fall in love with their childhood best friends, don’t they? I would say you should try and gauge how your crush feels about this sort of thing in a hypothetical perspective first and foremost. Some people really get triggered by this topic for some reason, but see what your crush’s political views are if you’re still uncertain. From there, assuming they’re open minded or interested, proceed as you would with a non-related crush. 

M: If they’re against such relationships, have some ice cream to soothe your broken heart and just try to move on. 


FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other, especially twins?

M: Mind your own business! No, but seriously. Assuming, in this hypothetical, that you don’t even know for a fact these feelings are there, the last thing you want to do is interfere. Don’t put them on the spot if you don’t have all the facts. Or, even better, don’t put them on the spot at all. If it’s just feelings being felt, then there’s nothing to be done. Their personal crushes are not your concern, I don’t care who they are. Even if they’re your child! Their crushes aren’t your business unless they choose to share it with you. What happens between twins especially, is between them!

R: Otherwise, if you were to discover proof that your family members are attracted to each other/secretly dating/hooking up, just be supportive. Like, if they tell you the truth or they find out that you know, just look out for them. Their path is not an easy one, but it’s a path that doesn’t hurt anybody, so leave it alone. And if you find out, but they don’t know you found out, you don’t have to confront them. You can look out for them without putting them on the spot or interrogating them. Again, think of it like you’re living in the “separate, but equal” era, and you’ve discovered an inter-racial relationship. Apply the same kind of logic.


FME: Do you consider yourself consanguinamorous in orientation, or could you be fulfilled in a relationship with someone who isn’t a close relative? 

M: I don’t think it’s so much about being with someone who’s related to me, as it is that I’ve found the one, and he simply happened to be my brother. So no, I don’t think I could ever feel as fulfilled in a relationship as the one I’m currently in, but I’ve also never had feelings for a family member before I fell for my twin. 

R: Same here. I wouldn’t say I’m consanguinamorous in orientation. I didn’t even know that was a thing, but I‘ll be the first to say that if someone is arguing “that orientation doesn’t exist” they are almost definitely wrong and likely a bigot. I’m frankly surprised that I found someone I could love this much at all. 


FME: Any plans for the future?

R: We’re likely going to live in New York, at least eventually. Might not get there for a few years. We’ve done some research and it seems like New York would provide the most opportunities for both of our ideal career paths. We’ll find an apartment there and try to get a life going. We’ll still see our beloved family members and squad, but we’ll be in a new state so who knows, we might just decide to introduce ourselves as a couple, not as siblings. Might be nice to be able to kiss her in public without having to worry. On the other hand, then there comes the worry about slipping and mentioning “Mom and Dad” around other people.

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Clearly these siblings, twins, aren't hurting anyone and consent to be with each other.

These relationships are happening everywhere. It is happening somewhere not too far from where you are right now.

There's no good reason to criminalize or discriminate against consanguinamorous relationships. We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a consanguineous and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com.

If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.

Thank you to M and R for doing this interview!

We hope that  your consanguinamorous relationship works out well for the two of you.