Brother's Keeper Wrote in to How To Do It

At slate.com there is an advice column "How To Do It" written by Rich Juzwiak. Here's something that was posted yesterday.

My Wife Wants Us to Have Sex With Her BrotherI’m not opposed in principle.

That's a headline that gets attention.

Brother's Keeper wrote...

My wife and I have been in an open marriage for five years. On the whole, our relationship has been uncommonly open and supportive; we both strive to encourage one another to explore, and even playfully push the limits, romantically and sexually.

Good.

For as long as I have known her, my wife has been interested in “incest” role play. While it isn’t my cup of tea exactly, I have been willing and happy to support her in her exploration of this kind of fantasy and role-play. Often, she will have me dress up as her father, wear his cologne, etc., while she will wear her “high school” clothes. 

Recently, though, things have started to move in an uncomfortable direction for me.

People use the word "uncomfortable" for all sorts of different things. Discomfort isn't always bad.

My wife is very close with her older brother, who is also bi, and with whom we often speak very openly about sex and sexuality. A few nights ago, and after a few drinks, my wife got to talking fairly explicitly about some of the “family” role-playing that she and I are into, and her brother—who I thought would be kinda horrified—was not only entirely supportive, but vaguely expressed interest in exploring this kink with us. When we got home, I expected my wife to make it clear that her brother ever joining us in the bedroom was entirely off the table, but instead she seemed to think it was a really good idea. In principle I don’t have a problem with the idea.

That helps.

While, like I said, I am not that into the “incest” element of my wife’s (and, I guess, her brother’s) fantasy, I am happy to play along if it makes her (and him) happy. My wife and I have also enjoyed group sex, and so that isn’t the problem either. I guess at bottom, I am just worried about how this could affect my relationship with my brother-in-law. Is there a way for me to make this happen, without it getting weird?

If it's going to be weird it will already be weird, whether you get him involved sexually or not. It's possible they've had experiences together in the past or are currently active with each other, although ideally, they aren't violating whatever agreement you have with your wife.

As with any threesome, it would be a good idea to set whatever boundaries you think should be in place for you. What are you willing to share with him or let him do with you, if anything? What are her expectations and boundaries? What are her brother's?

I guarantee you know other siblings who've been involved with each other, some with other people in the mix, some without.

If she's never been with him, this will give her an experience (or series of experiences) that will be different from any others.

Let's see what the columnist had to say...

It is unusual, it is taboo, and could have profoundly negative consequences.

That describes a lot of what they've already done, though. Except that open marriages, threesomes, and consanguineous sex really aren't unusual.

I know what you mean about not having a problem with this in principle, and I can envision a scenario in which absolutely no damage is done and you simply have a great time, but the chances of that are far from guaranteed. Why risk it?

Why risk ANYthing they've done? Why risk getting married? Why risk having an open marriage?

He didn't write in with any complaints about his brother-in-law. It seems to me the only thing holding him back is external prejudices.

If he sees it as more of a risk or more negative than potentially positive, then of course he shouldn't do it. Discomfort can be a reason not to do something. Nobody should do anything with their body they don't want to do. Consent is essential.

These two other people already love each other. They trust each other. And this is likely to be very exciting experience for a woman he loves. She's probably been thinking about this for a long time. It's not some passing whim.

Perhaps he just needs some more time to think about it?

If you're in a similar situation, feel free to reach out to me.