Completing a Special Puzzle

We have another exclusive interview to bring you.

People in consanguinamorous relationships are everywhere, though consanguinamorists tend to be closeted. Fortunately, some are willing to be interviewed for this blog. As a result, Full Marriage Equality has featured scores of exclusive interviews with lovers denied the freedom to marry and have that marriage treated equally under the law. Most can’t even be out of the closet or they’ll face prosecution under absurd incest laws, which, instead of focusing on abuse, also target consensual relationships.

The woman interviewed below should be free to legally marry her partner, or simply to be with her partner as a couple without having to hide, yet they can’t. Prejudice can be deadly. They are consenting adults who aren’t hurting anyone; why should they be denied their rights? In much of the world, including where they live, they could be criminally prosecuted for their love, and might be persecuted severely in addition.

Read the interview below and see for yourself what she has to say about the love they share with each other. You may think this relationship is interesting, or it might make you uncomfortable, or you might find it ideal, even highly erotic and romantic, but whatever your reaction, should lovers like these be denied equal access to marriage or any other rights simply because they love each other this way?

Also please note that someone you love, respect, and admire could be in a similar relationship right now. Should they be attacked and denied rights because of the "incest" label?

*****

FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Describe yourself.

Anonymous: I'm a high school math teacher in a suburb of an American major metropolitan area. I'm in my early forties. I'm average height for a woman. I could lose a little weight but my man says I'm perfect the way I am. My family roots are Jewish, by way of Europe. I like gardening and puzzles of different kinds, like jigsaw and Rubik's cube types. I have one brother.


FME: Are you married or have you ever been legally and/or ceremonially married? 

I was married, but my ex husband knocked up a young woman he was cheating with and left to be with her.


FME: How would you describe your genders? How would you describe your sexual orientation and your relationship orientation?

I'm a cisgender woman. I'm heterosexual. I've always been monogamous. He is a cisgender man and heterosexual. He says he wouldn't turn down threesome. I point out the cat is often on the bed, too.


FME: You currently live with...?

I live with my man, who is my brother, and our cat.


FME: You are in a sexual/romantic relationship with your biological brother?

It's a romantic, sexual relationship. It's a normal relationship, the same as billions of other people in world. It's just that he's also my brother.


FME: What was your childhood like? What was family life like? Were alternative lifestyles/sex discussed in your family, and if so, how?

Our childhood was a normal middle class or upper middle class upbringing. There was Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, some sports. We went to public schools. We would attend services on the High Holy Days but not the rest of the year, do Passover Seder, Hanukkah, and some other holiday stuff. We had Mom, Dad, our house, our pets. Our parents are still together. We had extended family within driving distance. Our parents were liberal and made sure we knew the facts of life, and that there was diversity in sexual orientation and to treat people kindly. I never thought of my brother as any more than my kid brother. He was five years younger than me. I was crushing on older boys.


FME: How did sexual affection become a part of the relationship between family members? 

I could go on for hours about this. What happened was I was married, my brother was married. My brother's wife got brain cancer and passed. My ex gave me quite the surprise with the announcement of his love child and his departure. I didn't think I was going to be able to keep my house. It helped that my dad is a lawyer and my ex felt guilty and agreed to a settlement that didn't force me to sell the house. My brother was renting. I had a mortgage to cover and more space than I needed. And, frankly, my brother was a wreck since his wife passed. It made sense to have him move in with me. This was right before the [Covid 19] pandemic.

Both of us benefitted from him moving in. Anyone could see he was better off. I was better off, too. He was working from home and would often make us dinner. We'd have dinner together and spend the weekends together working on the house, the garden, jigsaw puzzles, going places. He'd help me with work. We'd talk about anything, including our past relationships. We both admitted we were horny but were not interested in trying to find someone, especially with the pandemic. It was like we already had everything with each other, just without the sex. So that’s what we were both missing.

I could tell something was changing but I couldn't put it into words. Thinking about the future always included him being with me. It wasn’t like I was thinking of our arrangement as temporary.

One night we were getting close to going to sleep and something was on his mind. He was reluctant to tell me. I just had this sense about it and I told him that whatever it was, he could tell me and it would be okay. He told me he was so appreciative of everything I'd done for him but he was going to look for a place and move out. 

My heart sank. I was surprised by just how much I didn't want him to move out. I asked him why he couldn't stay with me. After arguing about it he stammered and blurted out "I'm in love with you. Oh God, I can't believe I said it. Please forgive me." He hid his face in his hands like he was going to cry. It was like I was out of my body and someone else was controlling it because my head was swimming, but somehow I embraced him and told him I was in love with him, too. I hadn't actually said that to myself before but at the moment I realized I'd never meant anything so much in my life.

He was almost in a panic. He asked what we were going to do. I shushed him.

After a while of holding each other and calming down, we talked about what we had each been feeling. It got to be really late so asked him if he'd come to bed with me and hold me. 

We spooned. I was in flannel PJs and he was in boxers. He was trying to keep his distance but I pushed myself back. I could feel him, of course. He apologized and I said it was no big deal. I laughed and said maybe it was a big deal. I didn’t know…yet. We laughed together.

I don’t think either one of us fell asleep entirely. We just spooned and calmed down a bit.. 

Eventually, he asked me if I could think of any good reason we shouldn’t make love, because he couldn’t think of any, as long as we were willing to deal with having to be secretive. I turned over to face him, we kissed, and everything changed.

FME: Can you describe your feelings during that? How about “the day after”? How did that go? How were you feeling?

When we kissed, I knew we were going to make love. It was exhilarating, yet it also felt comfortable, like a piece of a puzzle I didn't know was missing fell into place. I felt a passion to give myself to him and do things I'd been reluctant to do with others, even my ex. It was the best night of my life.

When we woke up the next morning, he told me he had thought he might wake up with regret, but he didn't have any. He looked better, happier, than I'd seen him in forever. I was giddy. 

Over breakfast, we talked seriously about what this was going to mean. We were on the same page as to feeling like we could be together the rest of our lives, and we were going to be a couple. I wondered if either of us was going to feel differently as time went by, but time has only confirmed what we were thinking. I'm his woman and he's my man.

FME: Before this had you ever thought this would be possible or enjoyable; did you have any opinion one way or the other about close relatives or family members being together?

It wasn’t something I thought about much. I just assumed that other than some historical situations, consensual incest wasn’t something that was happening.

FME: How do you describe the lovemaking now? Taboo? Natural? Especially erotic?

We know we have to keep quiet about it, but it doesn't feel taboo. It feels natural. He makes me feel like I'm the sexiest woman alive. I had thought I liked sex before, but I didn't know it could be like this.

FME: Describe your relationship now. Is this a marriage, a union, girlfriend and boyfriend, what? Are you more like spouses or family-with-benefits or something else? How long have you been together? Do you see each other as brother and sister, or lovers, or are those two roles inseparable at this point?

It feels like we’re engaged. He’ll always be my brother but I don’t think of him as my brother anytime other than when we are around people who know we are siblings. I worry I’m going to slip up someday in front of the wrong person, because when I think about him, he’s my man. I’m his woman. We’re partners. It’s been a couple of years now, as hard as that it for me to believe. 

FME: Do you literally sleep together?

Of course we do. We do keep the other room looking like he sleeps there.

FME: Does anyone in your life know the full, true nature of your relationship and how did they find out? What kind of steps, if any, have you had to take to keep your privacy?

Nobody knows. I mean, if anyone has figured it out they haven’t said anything. My parents have been happy to see how well we are doing and how happy we are after what each of us went through. We haven’t seen a reason to tell them. Maybe they’ll figure it out on their own? Now that I think about it, I can’t remember my mom asking if I’ve been seeing anyone since about the time he and I first made love.

Everyone understood why he moved in, so we were covered there. Like I said, we keep up the appearance of separate bedrooms. Other than that, it just being careful not to look or sound like romantic partners when we are around people. There will probably be more people wondering why neither of us is seeing anyone.


FME: Having to hide the full nature of your relationship from some people can be a disadvantage. Can you describe how that has been? Are there any other disadvantages? Conversely, do you think consanguineous relationships have some advantages and some things better than unrelated lovers?

It’s hard not being able to talk with my friends about it. I think it’s just too risky because it’s illegal here, and I have so many years in as a teacher now. Being a registered sex offender would end that. As you know, I was cautious about even reaching out to you. But I’m glad I did. I can't think of any disadvantage beyond dealing with the stupid laws and prejudice.

There is a definite advantage in that we already knew each other and loved each other, and maybe some of what makes is click so well has to do with the shared genetics and upbringing.

FME: What do you want to say to people who disapprove of your relationship, or disapprove of anyone having this kind of relationship? What's your reply to those who would say that this is one of you preying on the other, and that you can’t truly consent?

We were well into adulthood. We both consented. Our relationship has made things immeasurably better for us. Don’t insult me and say I can’t choose my spouse. Don't let prejudice make you an awful person.

FME: If you could get legally married, and that included protections against discrimination, harassment, etc., would you?

Absolutely. I don’t need a fancy ceremony. I’d like to be protected though, and I'd like to tell everyone that he is my husband.

FME: What advice do you have for someone who may be experiencing these feelings for a relative or family member?

I’m not much for giving advice except when it comes to how to learn trigonometry and calculus. I’ll just say to them know you’re not alone. There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you do. Loving each other isn't wrong.

FME: What advice do you have for family members and friends who think or know that relatives they know are having these feelings for each other? 

They’re not hurting anyone. Don’t give them a hard time.

FME: Do you consider yourself consanguinamorous in orientation, or could you be fulfilled in a relationship with someone who isn’t a close relative?

Reflecting on everything, it’s hard to say. I thought was I fulfilled with my ex. Now, I’d feel like being with anyone other than my man would be settling. Is that because of who he is, or because he’s my brother? I don’t know. My ex and I had some great years, but this is in a whole different level than that and my previous relationships.

FME: Have you met in-person or do you know anyone else who has experience with consanguinamory or consanguineous sex that you know of?

Not that I know with certainty. I’ve had inklings since now that I know what it’s like and I’ve become aware. I find myself noticing certain things about some of my students and how they interact with and talk about their siblings, and certain things about some of my friends and their families.

FME: Any plans for the future?

I’d like to stay out of trouble and marry as soon as we can. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

FME: Anything else to add?

Thanks for being patient and for allowing me to anonymously tell the world about us.

*****

Clearly, these lovers are consenting adults who aren't hurting anyone, and yet they can't even exercise their basic human right to legally marry as things are now. They love each other and are happy, yet they are denied fundamental rights. They can't even be open about their love without risking loss of career, harassment, or much worse. This is such a beautiful relationship!

Why should they be denied their rights? There’s no good reason. We need to recognize that all adults should be free to be with any and all consenting adults as they mutually consent, and part of doing that is adopting relationship rights for all, including full marriage equality sooner rather than later. People are being hurt because of a denial of their basic human rights to love each other freely.

You can read other interviews I have done here. As you'll see, there are people from all walks of life, around the world, who are in consanguinamorous relationships.

If you are in a relationship like this and are looking for help or others you can talk with, read this.

If you want to be interviewed about your "forbidden" relationship, or that of someone you know, connect with me by checking under the "Get Connected" tab there at the top of the page or emailing me at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com or see here.

If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please read this.

Thank you, Anonymous, for sharing with us about consanguinamorous relationship. We wish you well in your "engagement" and hope you can get married soon!