Ever notice that many of the same people who say swinging, or any form of ethical nonmonogamy will destroy a marriage urge someone whose spouse has merely raised the possibility of ethical nonmonogamy to divorce that spouse? Recently I heard two professional commentators who often focus on relationships urge divorce and say something akin to "your marriage is already over" because the spouse brought it up, even though these commentators disagree about many things when it comes to relationships. Then there are the online comments from the masses, which often say the same thing. I was glad to see this answer on Quora from Franklin Veaux, who is an excellent communicator of valuable information regarding ethical nonmonogamy and sex and relationships in general. Let's think things through here.
Divorce will end a marriage. Breaking up will end a relationship. Ethically taking on other lovers, even if it were to end some relationships, doesn't end them all. So it seems to me that the people who urge someone to get a divorce because the topic was brought up are more destructive to relationships than partner who express curiosity or interest in ethical nonmonogamy. The only justification for telling the person to divorce or dump their partner is if you're certain that experimenting with or even just further discussing ethical nonmonogamy with their partner will make the person worse off. Clearly, that isn't true. There are enduring, healthy, happy relationships that do engage in, or used to engage in, ethical nonmonogamy, including those in which both partners know that they and the relationship are all better off as a result. Even in some situations in which the relationships did end, the individuals may realize that the involvement with others was not a net negative for either of them. Yes, there have been people who've had their relationship end while they have been ethically nonmongamous or after they've stopped and have continued to argue about something that came up within that involvement. Not all of that can be blamed on having other lovers and some relationships have problems that will end them whether or not the couple actually goes ahead with trying something or not. Most people experienced with ENM will tell you that if you're relationship is already rocky, ENM will most likely NOT save it. Also, while polyamorous myself, I do accept that some people need monogamy and of course nobody should ever feel pressured to have sex with anyone. If someone is certain that they don't want to even explore the possibility of ENM, then they have every right to tell their partner it (still) isn't for them, but it is a discussion to be had. But blanket statements of the sort like "If your spouse has brought up swinging, it's time to divorce" are outrageous. There have been relationships that have survived cheating and have come out better as a result (and I do not advise cheating). Having honest discussions about the possibilities of ethical nonmonogamy shouldn't automatically hurt a relationship.
So, don't be afraid to discuss what you're willing to explore and what your boundaries are. There are many possibilities, ranging from voyeurism and exhibitionism (including in-person or on webcam), to threesomes, ongoing triads and quads, swinging, swapping, hotwifing, various forms of polyamory, various forms of open relationships, and so many more. You and your partner should be able to discuss desires, fantasies, and possible experimentation without throwing each other away. There are many good resources for couples considering ENM, including books like The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, and Opening Up.
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we can’t just cheat in the relationship
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