Polyamory Saved This Marriage

Rebecca Golden gives a glimpse at stuff.co.nz into her polyamorous relationship with a married man.

Apart from his wife, I'm the only woman Mick's ever been with. They started dating at 18, and have been together nearly 15 years. They arrived at polyamory because she didn't want to have the kind of sex he liked, and vice versa. Despite this difference of opinion, they shared too much - and needed one another too much - to simply divorce. They had a child together and a life that worked. Both read the book The Ethical Slut and decided that including other loves would help their marriage rather than harm it.

There are many reasons and many ways polyamory might be right for a couple. As you can see, in this case, it was because while they were meeting each others' needs in many ways, they weren't meeting their sexual needs, and so having a polyamorous relationship has been the solution. Others are polyamorous as part of who they are, and part of their sexual compatibility includes nonmonogamy. Isn't it better that this marriage became polyamorous instead of having frustration fester into divorce?

Part of our arrangement requires some suspension of disbelief. While I know that we probably won't stay together forever, I find it hard to imagine my life without him. We navigate this boundary through a heady mix of affection, humour and some denial. Denial comes in handy. It lets me enjoy our time together - a day, a weekend, a few hours - without sadness or worry or doubt.

That's not denial. That's acceptance... of that she enjoys what they have together now, whether or not it will last.

I enjoy [Mick's wife] Bex. She has a unique energy and vulnerability. She and Mick have Connor, the three-year-old with whom I've spent a lot of time. Connor has wildly curly hair that falls down his back in a loose tumble. When he sees me on Skype, he shouts "Beeka, Beeka" and asks where are my kitties. We swim together in the summer. When we spend time at Mick's house, I have my laptop open to some YouTube video or another. We listen to Paul Simon, and I sing along to 'Loves me Like a Rock' for him. 

Polyamorous people are everywhere. We're your classmates, your coworkers, your neighbors, and maybe your family members.

New Zealand, like so many other countries, has made progress but needs to keep evolving towards full marriage equality, which would allow the writer to marry Mick if she wanted.