Today's [This entry has been bumped up] Dear Abby is disappointing. COMPLICATED IN TENNESSEE wrote...
I have a male best friend I adore...We are not dating; we just have sex sometimes, and everyone that I try to be with knows about him.
It's good that she's honest.
Must I give up on my bestie to be with the man I love even though Bestie and I promised each other that we will never break our bond for anyone?
Something is missing. Is there an actual man she loves right now who has demanded she give up Bestie? Did that man know the truth about Bestie from the start?
Dear Abby replied...
If you hadn't been having sex sometimes with your bestie, the "man you love" might have been able to accept him. The answer to your question is yes, you will have to make a choice. Now, the question I have for you is, which man do you think is the keeper?
Sigh.
Abby is aware of polyamory, open relationships, and other forms of ethical (or disclosed or consensual) nonmonogamy. There are men for whom the fact that Bestie exists would be something that that makes this letter writer more desirable, and other men who would accept her relationship with Bestie. And yes, there are men who won't want to be with her, but those aren't the only men out there.
It's something that has to be worked out with any person she is with. Aside from the sex, some people want their partner to be their best friend, and don't want to be in a relationship in which their partner's best friend is another person (sometimes, depending on gender).
Monogamy shouldn't be considered the default. Nobody should assume monogamy when dating someone. People need to actually talk about and negotiate the rules of their relationship. If they want or need monogamy, they need to be clear about that and define what monogamy means. For some, it means the partners will not touch (literally!) another adult. For others, monogamy means that they will be spouses and nobody else will have the status of a spouse, but things like casual sex with others is fine.
It's something that has to be worked out with any person she is with. Aside from the sex, some people want their partner to be their best friend, and don't want to be in a relationship in which their partner's best friend is another person (sometimes, depending on gender).
Monogamy shouldn't be considered the default. Nobody should assume monogamy when dating someone. People need to actually talk about and negotiate the rules of their relationship. If they want or need monogamy, they need to be clear about that and define what monogamy means. For some, it means the partners will not touch (literally!) another adult. For others, monogamy means that they will be spouses and nobody else will have the status of a spouse, but things like casual sex with others is fine.
who wants to date and have sex anyway? not saying that monogamy sucks!
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