Dan Savage Answered Another GSA Question

Every once in a while I notice when Dan Savage answers a question about consanguineous sex, whether initiated by Genetic Sexual Attraction or not. Here's one from last month. 

Q: I have a question about adult incest, also called genetic sexual attraction in the adoption community (GSA). I slept with my biological father 30 years ago. We met when I was an adult after I had been raised by my adoptive parents. Now it’s so awkward to act like I’m a sister to the other children he raised. Should I ever tell them that our dad is my ex-boyfriend?

A: No — if there’s no chance your siblings will ever find out, take that I-fucked-our-father shit to the grave.

For her to tell her genetic siblings would be outing herself. In some circumstances, coming out can be liberating and empowering. For the consanguinamorous, it can be very risky. Consanguinamory is still criminalized in a lot of places, although there might be a limitation that means nothing that happened 30 years ago can be prosecuted now. Legal issues aside, there's a still much prejudice.

The woman asking this question needs to consider: What would be the benefit of outing herself? She might think it would explain how she interacts with her genetic (half?) siblings, but if she wasn't raised with them, might feel awkward trying to have a sibling relationship with them even if she'd never had sex with their shared genetic father.

So, my advice would be to set aside what happened 30 years ago and ask, "Are these good people? Is interacting with them more positive than negative? Do we have things in common?" If the answers to those questions are all "Yes," then accept that there is awkwardness (which the others might not feel at all), and get on with it. But if any of the answers are "No," the woman asking the question is not obligated to keep interacting, or interacting as much as she had been. They are genetically related, but that doesn't obligate they "act like siblings" or be friends.

Genetic Sexual Attraction is far more common than people think, common enough that people should be informed about it and assume that is has been experienced in cases like this and has been acted upon. And that doesn't necessarily warrant any judgment or action. So what if people enjoyed sex with each other in the past? How is that anyone else's business? If you're curious, and you want to ask questions and the person who experienced it is willing to answer them, that's one thing. But leave the bigotry aside.

Does this raise questions for you? Anything you want to share? You can comment below or you can reach out to Keith.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

In the US, Monday is a holiday, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. He was a giant in the fight for civil rights.



Many decades after he was assassinated, the fight for civil rights continues.

History is on our side. All consenting adults will be free to exercise their rights to share love, sex, residence, and marriage.

Are you like those who kept trying to keep some people second-class citizens, or are you like the people who marched with King?

This is how you can help.

Consanguinamory Is Not Dysfunction

ALL IN THE FAMILY wrote into Dear Abby to say that when she was first married, her husband's mother and sisters were "hostile" to her, and she didn't know why. (Side note: Don't marry someone if they're close with their family and their family is hostile to you.) She may or may not be accurate about the treatment, given what she writes later. But let's assume she is.

When they started treating our children the same way, my husband finally addressed the issue.

That's good, but he shouldn't have let them do it to her, either.

We moved out of town, and he finally told me that when he was in his teens and early 20s, he had had sex with all of them, which was why they didn't like me.

There is too much information missing from this.

There are two basic possibilities to what happened:

1) When he was 13, his mother, and possibility significantly older sisters, started assaulting him. That's not "having sex." But that's not how the letter reads. 

2) When he was a teen, he and his sisters, who are close in age to him and each other, starting experimenting with sex. After a while, as they got older, they involved their mother. (Yes, this has happened.) Or he was 18 or 19 and started with his mother, and then his sisters.

Those are two different things. If it was the latter, which is far more common than most people admit, I wouldn't be surprised if he was still having sex with them until shortly before the move. It would explain the timing of his disclosure. Or at least until the wedding. Consanguinamorous bonds can be very strong.