Consanguinamory Is Not Dysfunction

ALL IN THE FAMILY wrote into Dear Abby to say that when she was first married, her husband's mother and sisters were "hostile" to her, and she didn't know why. (Side note: Don't marry someone if they're close with their family and their family is hostile to you.) She may or may not be accurate about the treatment, given what she writes later. But let's assume she is.

When they started treating our children the same way, my husband finally addressed the issue.

That's good, but he shouldn't have let them do it to her, either.

We moved out of town, and he finally told me that when he was in his teens and early 20s, he had had sex with all of them, which was why they didn't like me.

There is too much information missing from this.

There are two basic possibilities to what happened:

1) When he was 13, his mother, and possibility significantly older sisters, started assaulting him. That's not "having sex." But that's not how the letter reads. 

2) When he was a teen, he and his sisters, who are close in age to him and each other, starting experimenting with sex. After a while, as they got older, they involved their mother. (Yes, this has happened.) Or he was 18 or 19 and started with his mother, and then his sisters.

Those are two different things. If it was the latter, which is far more common than most people admit, I wouldn't be surprised if he was still having sex with them until shortly before the move. It would explain the timing of his disclosure. Or at least until the wedding. Consanguinamorous bonds can be very strong.

After an estrangement of many years, he has now started talking to his mother and sisters again. His mother is now in her 70s. It breaks my heart that he is talking to people he had sex with, but he says it is OK because they are "family." In my opinion, he should have nothing to do with them. 

Her opinion is correct if the Scenario 1 was what happened. It is not correct with Scenario 2. I feel for her. She was put in a difficult position, if she's giving an accurate picture of what happened. If he'd asked me, I would have told him not to marry her unless she either knew and accepted his past or he was going to ensure his past would not intrude on her present. That horse left the barn a long time ago. But there's nothing wrong with getting back in touch with his family now if it was Scenario 2. It says a lot that he was willing to move away and be estranged for so long because of how they were treating his children.

She didn't say how old her children (she has with him) are. If they're grown, it is far easier for her to leave if she can't abide this.

Dear Abby responded...

I sympathize with your feelings, and I agree your husband's family situation was beyond unhealthy. However, from what you wrote, I get the impression that you would be equally upset if he were talking with ex-girlfriends. If your husband wants to talk to his relatives, he's going to do it regardless of whether or not you find it threatening. 

What happened is far more common than most people realize or admit. It doesn't matter if others who aren't involved are disgusted by that. Yes, ideally, her husband should have been open and honest about his family of origin and would have told his family of origin to respect his wife and treat her well. However, due to laws (in some places, not all) and hateful prejudice, he probably felt like he couldn't be honest with her.

If we had acceptance of full marriage equality, he might have married one or more of his sisters instead. But we're not there yet. Such is one of the harms of a denial of the basic right to marry. Now the person who wrote this letter is caught up in all of this, like some unwitting beard, perhaps because he felt he "must" find someone outside of the family to marry and raise kids together.

If you don't do well with reading hate, stay out of the comments at the link. But if you feel you could add to the discussion and withstand the hate there, go ahead.

Consanguinamory isn't inherently dysfunctional. Advice columnists get far more letters about consanguinamory than they print. They also get letters from the consanguinamorous who don't reveal that they are. This blog is here, in part. to try to provide what the consanguinamorous aren't getting elsewhere. Get in contact with Keith if you'd like to communicate.