Pursuing is Better Than Blackmailing

This was written to sexpressed.com...

I’m a 26 year old male. I fantasize about having sex with my mom.

As do many other sons and daughters... sex with their mothers, not necessarily the letter writer's.

This incest feeling was cultivated in my mind the day when I accidentally caught my mother getting f---ed by my friend.

That can happen. Was it really an accident?

Though it was a very disturbing scene for me during the initial days, as time passed by I started loving the thought of my mom being used by my friend.

Used? I thought sex was supposed to be mutually enjoyable.

Now the question is: in your opinion is it OK to approach my mom saying that I want to have sex with her, as she knows that I know about her infidelity with my friend and I still hide it from my dad?

Hmm. Is he sure his father doesn't know about it? The letter writer may be surprised. Let's assume that mom doesn't want dad to know. Blackmail in a situation like this is a no-no.

It is sounding to me like this is not about a love for, or attraction to, his mother so much as jealousy about his friend. Forget blackmail. If this is not about jealousy but rather genuinely wanting her, wanting to play or make love with her, my advice would be to talk with her about her interest in younger men (implied) and what kind of arrangement she has with dad. She may have an interest in the letter writer. Maybe his friend was his surrogate. Then again, she may have no interest in going there with her son, and if that is the case, that needs to be respected, even if she is violating an agreement with her husband (which she may not be.) I've written before with my advice for making an approach.

I know some people get off on blackmail fantasies, including when it comes to consanguineous sex, but it isn't a good idea in real life.

In case I haven't made it clear, I have no problem whatsoever with a grown man (and he is a grown man) and his mother (genetic, adoptive, or step) entering into a consensual sexual relationship.



Here was the advice responding to the letter written by "Scott," who runs the website.

Now, don’t get me wrong: approaching your mom to tell her that you want to have sex with her is in itself not “wrong”, per se. It might be weird and it might cause a lot of strain on your mother/son relationship and could put you in a very difficult situation with her and other members of your family. But, in its purest sense, telling your mother that you desire her sexually is not “wrong”. However, you must understand that her reaction to that statement could go any number of ways, and I’m not going to lie most of them will not be good for you, her, or anyone.

Maybe I'm not getting a good cross-section, but I've never once heard of a bad reaction on the part of a mother. Yes, I've heard of mothers saying "no," but they were flattered and continued to be motherly towards their adult children. I've also heard of mothers saying yes. Sometimes they need to think about it a while first. I haven't heard of someone telling their mother they want her and having her get cold, distant, or hostile.

What’s really wrong about what you’re suggesting, Aman, is that you’re essentially going to blackmail your mother into fucking you.

Agreed. 

Let that sink in for a moment: you’re not asking your mother to f--- you (which is totally out there and bizarre in itself), and you’re not blackmailing some random person to f--- you (which is reprehensible and wrong). No: you are going to combine the two and try and blackmail your mother into having sex with you, which is so beyond f---ed up and wrong that I don’t even know where to begin.

It's not as rare as Scott seems to think for an adult to make a pass at their mother (or father.)

Looks to me like Scott tries to play both sides of the fence as he continues...

Now, as far as simply asking your mother to have sex, i.e. by saying: “Mom, this is very difficult to ask and I have no idea how you will react, but I find myself sexually attracted to you and am curious to know if the two of us having sex would be something you would even ever consider?”, that’s OK.

Good. But he doesn't stop there.

It’s weird, it’s f---ed up, it’ll most likely destroy your relationship with your mother and cause tons of stress on you, her, and the rest of your family, but if that’s what you really want to ask: go for it.

I wonder much experience Scott has with situations like this?

Ethically it’s not wrong to do so.

Agreed there, at least.

As many relationship experts/therapists/counselors, even ones that support only monogamy, will tell you, catching someone (A) who is in a relationship you know exists with person (B) having sex with someone else (C) doesn't necessarily mean "A" is deceiving "B." There are all kinds of agreements, arrangements, rules, or what have you that people come up with between each other.