Getting Started

It has become apparent to me that some people need advice on how to initiate a sexual relationship that’s not with a paid professional. 

Again: Never impose yourself on someone without their consent; their consent can end at any time.

Usually, you’ll need to be alone with the person you’ve set up this time with. Nobody else should be around unless you know they’d support you two getting sexual with each other. Be thoroughly washed, cleaned, and groomed.

Do what works.

What works will be whatever both you want to do together.

It might take trial and error to figure that out.

You want them to feel sexual, playful, aroused, even passionate. You want them to feel your interest in, and desire for, them. You want them to feel like they have an itch that you can scratch, and that you have an itch they can scratch.

It will usually involve conversation with each other, which can range from what they think about the weather to what their sexual fantasies are, depending on how things have already gone between the two of you. Compliments, flirting, and innuendos (if you’re good coming up with those) should be sprinkled into the conversation, if possible.

Talking usually won’t be enough. You might want to do one or more of the following:

• Sit/cuddle/snuggle together watching a movie or show (one that won’t be a turn off). Or telling each other stories.

• Sit in a private hot tub together.

• Sit in an automobile together overlooking the sunset, the night sky, or the city lights. (Just be careful not to run afoul of the law by doing things where you’re likely to get busted.)

• Sit closely together while sharing a light meal and conversation; even better if some finger foods are involved that you can feed each other (olives, grapes, chocolates, etc.)

• Dance slowly together to music, just the two of you, pressing together.

• Play games together, whether video games, board games, card games, whatever.

• Gentle touches. Touching will be very important. If they don’t welcome your touches, such as on their arm, shoulder, back, or knee, that’s not a good sign. If you know they’ve been exercising, working out, training, or doing physical labor, asking them if you can feel specific muscles (biceps, shoulders, calves, thighs, stomach/abs) can help bring further intimacy.

At some point, you will need to have the courage to make a move.

If you’re snuggled or cuddled together, or sitting next to each other, it can be as simple as placing their hand in a more intimate place on you or your hand on a more intimate place on them, even if the hand just rests there and doesn’t move.

You might want to offer neck, shoulder, back, or foot rubs, massages, or backscratches to get your hands on them. Allow them to return the favor if you’d like. When you have your hands on them, slowly and gently moving your hands further and further as they welcome you doing so can be one good way to start. When they have their hands on you, moaning or sighing in approval can help, as can encouraging them to move their hands further and further. 

If they welcome your hugs or embraces, you can drift your hands all over, if they allow that.

If they welcome your kisses on their cheek or forehead, maybe they’ll allow them on their lips or neck next.

Touching them in certain places with your hands or lips, with their consent, is a clear indication that the relationship is becoming sexual, even if you’re both fully clothed at the time. Remember, though, that consent to something isn’t consent to everything.

In addition to listening to what they say, pay close attention to their body language. Do they want you to continue? Are they blushing, breathing hard, smiling, giggling, looking you the eyes, closing their eyes, moaning or humming with pleasure? These are good signs.

If at least one of you is touching and kissing the other in a romantic or sexual way, with consent - congratulations, you’re on your way. Maybe one or both of you will want to remove articles of clothing from the other and/or yourselves. Maybe you’ll want to move from where you are to somewhere more comfortable.

As long as they welcome it, keep going as “far” as you want to. One or both of you might want to stop at a certain point, without having “completed” anything; that’s OK. “No,” “don’t,” “stop,” “not now,” or “wait,” from either one of you should immediately stop whatever is happening. Maybe, if you’re the one stopping them, you want them to do something else rather than stopping entirely; playfully redirect them.

Everyone has their own pace. It might take many dates to get to something you want to do. Or you might go further than you’d dreamed your first sexual encounter together would go. Be prepared to adjust and adapt. Be patient. Be kind. Usually, the goals will include getting penises erect and vaginas wet, and sometimes those things need additional help (lube, medication), and for each person to climax as many times as they want (usually through contact with the penis or clitoris), but again, things can be paused or stopped before any of those things happen, and some people have a good time even if none of those things happen. You can start cautiously, keeping things limited. If you both mutually agree to move beyond that, good!

Some things to keep in mind before and during all this:

• If this is your first time ever doing these things, meaning you’ve never had sex or “made out” with anyone ever, don’t try to hide that. Your date will almost certainly be able to tell. Everyone starts with no experience. Everyone learns as they go. Being honest about this is best. If this person has experience, they can teach you what to do, but each person is different, so what one person likes might not be what someone else wants.

• Being nervous is usually normal and natural. It’s OK to be nervous. Just be yourself and treat the other person with care.

• You might need or prefer be meet up with, or take the other person out, in public, maybe multiple times, before getting them alone in private. What that in involves can be anything; drinks, meals/picnics, desserts, walks, hikes, moviegoing, concertgoing, visiting museums, whatever you two will enjoy. But if you’re the one asking them out, make the arrangements; don’t put planning it on them or add to their mental load. Only ask questions about what they’ll want to do if you’re unsure about their needs (for example, don’t plan a horseback riding date if they are allergic to horses.)

• There’s nothing wrong with sipping alcohol, like wine, to ease your nerves and theirs, provided neither of you is a problem drinker or has a medical situation that precludes consuming alcohol; do NOT get them drunk, however. You want them able to understand what’s happening and to be able to give consent.

• Might condoms be needed? Condoms lower the risks of pregnancy and spreading certain diseases.

• Be prepared to address concerns and hesitations they have, which are more likely to be raised by them if you’ve had an established relationship with them that has been nonsexual until now.

• If you’re bigger/stronger than this person, keep in mind they might be feeling physically vulnerable while alone with you, which is all the more reason kindness and consent matter.

• While fiction can give you some examples, remember that it’s fiction. For example, porn is fantasy and usually involves what will look appealing or arousing on-camera. It’s usually not meant to be an educational how-to video.

[UPDATE: Being a Good Lover]

Basic Facts About Sex 

Cautious Consanguinamory 

Step 4 and the rest this page might help:

https://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html

As always, you’re welcome to comment below.

Reach out to Keith to privately discuss the topics in this essay more. He can be emailed at fullmarriageequality at protonmail dot com, sent a message on Wire messaging app at fullmarriageequality, messaged on Bluesky at @marriage-equality, and X at @FullMEquality.