Dear Abby Gets a Letter From an Aspiring Unicorn

In polyamorous/nonmonogamous communities, there is the concept of a "unicorn," meaning a woman who is willing to join an established man-woman couple. Today's Dear Abby column started with a letter from an apparent aspiring unicorn who has her eye on a specific couple.

FOUND THE RIGHT ONES OUT WEST wrote...

I'm a woman in my early 50s who has been through two divorces.

Not all that rare anymore, and despite the LW's follow-up, not necessarily a sign that someone is bad.

A few years ago, I met a woman I have become good friends with. She's happily married. She and her husband are empty nesters, like I am. We often socialize, and when we do there is definite chemistry between the three of us.

I've recently heard of the concept of a "throuple," which is consenting adults living together as any couple would, except there are three rather than two. I can't help but wonder whether my friend, her husband and I might make a good throuple. This is not a case of rushing into something. We have known each other for several years and have established trust and compatibility.

I'm nervous to bring this up because I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. I'm also scared about how deeply I feel for both of these people, and I think it's mutual. 

If you want something to happen, there are only two possibilities:

1) You bring it up or make a move.
2) They bring it up or make a move.

You really don't have any control over whether or not the second possibility happens. If you flirt to the point they do bring it up or make a move, what you've really done is the first possibility.

So, how to go about bringing it up or making a move...

They might not want anyone else living with them. Perhaps the conversation should be started there. Under what conditions, if any, would they want to share their residence?

A throuple would mean all three would be with each other. This would require that both the LW and the wife be willing to be with each other, whether or not they identify as bisexual, pansexual, or something similar, although it is possible to identify as a throuple due to bonds other than sexual.

LW might want to consider, if she doesn't already, talking with the wife about sex, relationships, and the general concept of nonmonogamy. Conversations about these topics, along with the one about sharing a residence, can reveal the wife's thoughts and whether or not she might be interested. If she's not, LW can have her answer without damaging the existing bonds. Obviously, the husband would have to be interested, too, and the wife might already know that, but she can find out of she isn't sure about what he'd want yet. If things are looking good, LW can compliment and flirt, flirt, flirt with the wife, and, depending, the husband, and make a point to to express her "appreciation" for one to the other. She could also simply and bluntly state her desires.

All three people would have to agree on the overall basics as far as sharing a residence, sharing affection, etc. It is entirely possible, for example, that the married couple might want a sexual threesome but not share a residence. Or, maybe they want the husband to get sexual with LW, but not the wife, or maybe the wife and not the husband. There are many possibilities.

If conversations about sex, relationships, nonmonogamy, and living together go well as far as interest and compatibility with the wife, the wife will know the best time and way to bring the husband into the conversations.

Even if they are all in basic agreement with the overall concept, the details matter. What will the rules be? The spouses are legally "primary" to each other. Will it be different than that socially? If they are adding a triangular sexual bond, what will that mean? For example, who, if any of them, can have sex without the third person present? Will this be a closed relationship or are any of them open to additional lovers? If the legally married couple says they want to have the LW join them in their bed sometimes, and that neither of them will be with her without the other, would LW be OK with that? What if the married couple wants to add a sexual bond with LW and/or formally date her for a while before deciding whether or not to live together or make a social commitment? The LW might prefer that, too, rather than moving in first and then finding out she isn't sexually compatible with them.

There are also many other agreements to be made about chores, errands, finances, sleeping arrangements, time commitments, and how to deal with family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, service providers, etc. as far as what, if anything, is revealed to them, and if so, how? Really, it is much like the agreements that should be discussed when two people decide to move in together. Some people never plan moving in together, it just sort of happens over a period of time; that is unlikely to work when a third person wants to join an established, especially legally married, couple.

Even if they break the ice with an amazing threesome, they're going to need to talk extensively about things soon if they want to be a throuple.

The three of them may or may not want to get legal advice and assistance, since they can't yet legally marry as a triad, to help with certain things like finances and estate planning, emergencies, protections, etc.

Finally, it is understandable if LW doesn't want to deal with the common dating scene as it is now, as she expressed in her letter. Even if the married couple isn't agreeable and compatible to what she wants, they might know an individual or couple (or throuple!) with whom she might find what she wants. That is one way of meeting people that is often forgotten: telling the people in your life you admire and whose observations are good what you're looking for in partners, and asking them to introduce you to anyone they know like that.